Therapist Shares 2 Big Lies Most 'Happy' Couples Tell
Most of us want to believe a certain narrative, but the truth is usually a whole lot more complicated.
Molly Champion / Pexels via Canva In a world that values monogamy, it can feel taboo to question the status quo. The "natural order" dictates that we should marry one partner and remain with them for life.
But have society's unwritten rules always been this way? More importantly, does monogamy truly work for everyone? Will it lead to genuine happiness?
Supposedly monogamy lends to the biggest lies couples tell each other.
2 Big Lies Most 'Happy' Couples Tell
1. Both of them see monogamy as the only option
"You can't question polyamorous relationships without being met with disgust or sexualization," says author Joanna Schroeder on the podcast "Open Relationships: Transforming Together." And in a monoga- normative society, polyamorous relationships are considered taboo and sometimes even sinful.
But Schroeder poses the question, "Are we pathologizing a normal thing to want to be with people other than just the person you’re married to?"
Sexologist Dr. Joe Kort answered, “Well, I mean most of the science points to the fact that we’re not wired for monogamy.”
Now, can you choose monogamy? Yes, but are we naturally wired for it? That's debatable.
According to evolutionary biologist David P. Barash, there is an evolutionary factor to our polyamorous tendencies.
Let's take a look at the physical differences between males and females. Have you ever paused to consider why there's such a significant difference in the first place?
Barash writes, "Basically, this is because polygyny produces a situation in which males compete with each other for access to females and in the biological arena such competition typically occurs via direction confrontations.”
Only a select number of males can reproduce and have offspring through this competition. This can explain why men tend to be more aggressive and hostile toward other men. This can also explain why men generally, tend to be stronger and larger than females.
Looking at animals, gorillas are known to be polyamorous. Due to this, they are bigger than females. However, gibbons are known for being monogamous creatures, which is why they are the same size regardless of sex.
Moreover, it might be surprising but human beings haven't always been monogamous. And if you take a look at history, it'll show that polyamorous relationships weren't that uncommon.
Before Western imperialism, 83% of indigenous societies were polygynous, according to the Harvard Gazette. Moreover, women also benefited from polyamorous relationships as it guaranteed a higher survival rate for their offspring.
Even more surprising, evidence suggests that females who have multiple partners tend to be more fertile, writes the Harvard Gazette.
2. They’re happy even when they’re miserable.
Kort also shared an experience in which he was at a bar and a woman who was bragging about how hot her husband is and "how much bedroom activity they were having" later came up to him privately and shared that her husband hadn't actually touched her in several years.
"She's not alone in doing that, and we should be able to talk about this openly, but the thing is, people get shamed."
With all this in mind, it's no wonder why some people struggle to stick to just one partner. Monogamous relationships aren't for everyone.
Ultimately, "You need to negotiate your monogamy with your partner," says Kort. Where do your boundaries start and where do they end?
Is masturbating or having cyber sex okay? Is flirting with others okay? Just how far does your monogamy go?
Now, when I first heard this I was in shock. The instant response to most of this would be "heck no!" But according to Kort, his findings suggest that while one partner may say no, the other says maybe.
Kort also points out that people in the LGBTQ+ community are often much better at being upfront about these things, whereas many heterosexual couples still have a lot of catching up to do.
So, sit down with your partner and ask them about their boundaries. Discuss your concerns or insecurities about these arrangements.
Who knows, you may find that being in a polyamorous relationship is right for you.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.