Wives Who Are Happy On The Surface But Broken Underneath Display These 4 Behaviors
Surface level happiness eventually cracks in marriages.
Nikita Nikitin | Pexels One of the most puzzling human experiences is the universal ability of wives to appear happy on the surface but hurt, upset, and broken on the inside. This emotional incongruency is often not due to a lack of information. Rather, it is due to a lack of implementing more authentic communication.
Authentic communication in a marriage is an art, a discipline, a technique to be learned, and a skill to develop — and it requires ongoing practice while in a relationship. There’s always room for improvement and growth to be the type of happiness on the inside you have been projecting falsely on the surface.
Here are behaviors of wives who are happy on the surface but broken underneath:
1. They try to please their spouse too much
If you’re too agreeable in the beginning, you’ll resent him in the end. During the beginning stages of a relationship, women who tend to be pleasers will gloss over issues and comply with their partner’s whims and wishes without consideration of their desires and dreams.
Marriage therapist David Simonsen explained, "Due to the constant pressure to perform and keep up appearances, a people pleaser often suffers from anxiety and discontentment. These mental health issues can often go unrecognized, and the PP sees this simply as a fact of life. It can affect family relationships negatively if they don’t get the right help. If you run into this type of personality, they need your help and understanding."
The eventual result of avoiding conflict is bitterness, disappointment, and deep-seated anger. At some point in the future, you will erupt — much to the surprise of your partner! If this is you, voice your desires and concerns to your husband or wife — it’s never too late to start.
2. They make assumptions
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Misunderstandings arise when one partner formulates a presumption about the other’s point of view. Whether based on history or unresolved issues, being presumptuous can be a real mood killer. Instead of trying to anticipate what he’ll say, try to consider what your partner is trying to say before leaping into fixing things.
3. They ignore their spouse
All communication stems from a deep desire to connect. When an attempt to connect is ignored or returned with harshness, this results in what John Gottman, a renowned American psychologist and researcher, calls "rejected bids." According to Gottman, rejected bids may be one reason for marital conflict. Humanity has a deep desire to connect, and we reach out to offer a "bid" of connection, and then the "bid" is either accepted or rejected. Humans need 85% of accepted bids to feel connected.
Do you ignore bids of connection because you’re distracted by smartphones, iPads, and other electronics? How do you respond to the bids — with warmth and a smile or with a sneer and a smirk?
4. They don't say what they mean
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What we say and what we hear affects the neural pathways of our brains. We are wired to be in alignment and to have congruence — this means everything we see, do, hear, feel, and know must be true in mind, body, and spirit. If what we say isn’t congruent with how we feel, it will confuse those around us and eventually confuse ourselves.
Psychologist Cortney Warren explained, "To be authentic, your thoughts, words, feelings, and actions should match. So, how are your values reflected in your choices? Are there ways they aren’t reflected? Are there times when your actions don’t match what you claim to stand for? If you notice an inconsistency between what you say, how you feel, and what you think, pause and try to make your values and choices congruent."
Try this experiment. Put your face into an angry expression, clench your teeth and jaw, and say, "I am so happy." Hard to do, right? Now reverse your expression. Smile with your eyes and mouth and say, "I am so angry." Your brain is saying, "This does not compute, your words and expression do not match."
Some people have confused their brains because they walk around with smiles that don’t match their negative feelings. You can become true to yourself and others by learning better communication skills and by taking responsibility for developing a new pattern of congruent communication with your partner, as supported by Gottman's research.
Joan Nosal has been coaching for 30 years, specializing in the area of transitions and relationships. She founded T.R.I Life LLC in 1999 and has conducted workshops and trainings all over the United States.