9 Behaviors That Are Major Signs You Should Urgently Leave A Relationship, According To Experts
They might as well hang a 'Do Not Enter' sign on their heart.
Dean Drobot | Canva After decades of ignoring the early red flags in relationships, only to sail into disaster each time, I've finally realized that no matter how gorgeous and alluring the new stranger is, you have to quit when there are major signs you should leave the relationship.
This isn't as easy as it sounds. A 2016 study of relational red flags showed that, "these undesirable qualities can be costly to a healthy, stable relationship because they conflict with the individual’s expectations, similarities, and compatibilities." So you have to learn to distinguish major signs from mere quirks. Happily, there are some warning signs that the person you're dating is not relationship material.
Here are nine behaviors that are major signs you should urgently leave a relationship, according to experts:
1. They're chronically late
For clarity, "chronic" means "three dates in a row." If your date arrives more than ten minutes late each time, don't wait for their fourth arrival. Be gone.
No doubt your date will have wonderful excuses, and one or two may even be sound. But three in a row is a pattern, and what the pattern says is: I don't want to get into this. So neither should you.
2. They're rude to the waitstaff
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And taxi drivers, and anyone else in a service job. I shouldn't even have to explain why this is a dealbreaker. Just remember that it is.
Therapist Juli Orfloff explained that "if your date mistreats the valet attendant, waiter, or any other service provider you come into contact with, you can be sure this is how they will eventually treat you. Be prepared to walk away if your date is rude, impatient, or embarrassing."
3. They take no accountability
It's amazing how much a new prospect will tell you about their life on a first or second date — much more than they know they are saying. The question is: Do you hear it?
If they launch into the story of their messy divorce, is their ex the villain in every respect? To me, that's a major sign. Anyone who's emotionally grounded should be able to see how two people, not one, contributed to a divorce.
Refusal to self-reflect or make appropriate changes is a sign of victim mentality," explained Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford. "When you are unable or unwilling to take responsibility for your actions and contributions, you can't change or improve your situation. Self-reflection leads to a greater sense of control, better decision-making, and greater accountability — all things needed to leave a miserable relationship."
4. They've only had short-lived relationships
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During a first, incredibly romantic lunch some time ago, I mentioned my most recent relationship had ended after a year. "A year," my new friend marveled. "That's so impressive! All of my relationships end after three months."
Of course, I resolved to be the exception. Over the next weeks, which happened to include Christmas and New Year's, we had an amazing time, both in New York City, where she had a charming Hell's Kitchen walk-up, and at my house in the Hamptons.
One Sunday, after I'd put her on the train home, I came back to find the most tenderly romantic note on my pillow, something about soulmates joined. The next week, for no outward cause, she called to break up with me. No argument, no terrible time, just the end of the story. Only later did I realize it was week twelve.
5. They believe money is the only thing that matters
Money stirs up so many issues, conscious and unconscious, far more than any magazine article can cover.
Counselor Lianne Avila advised, "Too often, money and financial issues can cause stress in a relationship. You are told that money will make you happy. Maybe you didn’t have much money growing up, or maybe you had everything. Whatever the case, you need to define your relationship with money and not let it control you or cause marriage problems. We live in a country that puts a high value on money, but it can leave you feeling like you don’t have enough. You really can’t buy love."
6. They hold unjustified resentment toward their parents
Powerful emotions about parents can be a major sign. Parental attachment begins in infancy and continues to influence us as we transition into adulthood and form romantic relationships of our own.
An insecure attachment can indicate the potential for relationship difficulties. A study from the Journal of Applied Social Psychology found an interrelation between Intimacy-anger and insecure attachment that can be precursors of abuse in intimate relationships.
7. The intimacy is bad, really bad
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I don't need to go into detail here, do I? Except to say that bad intimacy may get better after a first, fumbling time, but bad intimacy two or three times in a row is something that only gets worse.
Don't fool yourself into thinking intimacy is not important. Also, be aware that intimacy is developed over time and requires self-acceptance from both partners.
As therapist Todd Creager said, "When you shift from a performance mindset, which comes with standards of measurement and conditional self-approval, to a mindset of radical self-acceptance, you give yourself the freedom to explore and develop your sensitivity and multiple approaches. Being okay with 'eternal beginner status' allows you to leave your comfort zone, and even to be somewhat awkward at times, which in turn allows you to be a more adventurous partner."
8. They wear dirty underwear and socks
Your mother was right. They have to be clean. Dirty underwear is the hallmark of a secret slob, and every secret slob has many worse habits you don't even want to think about, but will all too soon get to know if you don't leave now.
9. They consistently show anger
As they talk — not just about past romantic relationships but about work, friends, and family — listen for a low hum of anger. An undercurrent of perpetual anger is often an indication of deep resentment and coming social isolation.
"When we become angry with everyone and everything, we may start to limit our social interactions to avoid outbursts or situations that might set us off," describes personal development coach Pamela Aloia. In addition, we could start feeling ill more regularly. Anger has negative physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual side effects that can also keep people from enjoying spending time with others, limiting their tolerance levels, and therefore withdrawing from their normal social circle.
I now know how to recognize anger from shows of temper, which may be healthy in moderation. The deeper, more destructive hum of anger makes me back off when I hear it.
Michael Shnayerson is a freelance journalist who has appeared in Vanity Fair, Fatherly, and more.
