The Beautiful Gift Of Being Married To A Man On The Autism Spectrum — 'He Has No Hidden Agenda'
Put away your judgment to receive the gifts.
Courtesy Of Author On my first date with Mike — we’ve been partners for 24 years — he asked me, “Are we on a date?” And on the second date, he asked, “Are we still dating?" I thought it was so sweet and endearing then.
It took me nearly 17 years to realize having to ask someone to know exactly what was going on is typical of someone on the autism spectrum.
There is a beautiful gift of being married with someone on the Autism spectrum.
The autism spectrum wasn’t even a diagnosis back then. A review of studies published by Autism: The International Journal of Research and Practice helps us understand how autism presents itself in myriad ways, including an obsession with details, social awkwardness, a seeming inability to recognize the feelings or reactions of others, and flat, outward expression with few physical cues as to what the autistic person is feeling.
I had no clue about this when I fell in love with Mike. His lack of drama and histrionics was calming and a welcome relief from my family’s constant antics and manipulations. He balanced me nicely: I was outgoing and verbally engaging, and Mike was quiet and had no problem being alone. I was animated, he was peaceful.
It wasn’t until we decided to move in together that I began to feel the tension around how truly different we were.
At the time, I had a dusty, cluttered little apartment. Mike had a big house with a living room that looked to me like a hotel lobby — Georgian-style chairs carefully chosen for their shape and upholstery, tables placed just so. He wouldn’t allow me to put any of my stuff anywhere outside of a single room he had designated as mine. I wasn’t allowed to put a single nail on a wall!
I have found out so much about people on the autism spectrum.
Autistic people are brilliant and highly accomplished. Mike is a member of Mensa, has an IQ of over 165, and makes a great living as an IT person. Typically, among other things, they share the following characteristics:
- They have an extraordinary ability to focus on details rather than the big picture.
- They are deeply loyal and dependable.
- They have a strong need for order and accuracy.
- Their conversation is free of hidden meanings and agendas.
This can present challenges for others, as documented in research in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. For instance, after we moved in together, we began to have some conflicts.
He had rules for everything in the house — I love to whistle, for example, and he forbade it. He didn’t seem capable of extending himself to me. If I felt needy, he didn’t like that, and it triggered my own childhood experience of living with a family that could never stretch for me. Mike couldn’t come out of his comfort zone, and many things had to be on his terms.
I couldn’t find the typical clues to show me that he loved me, which you expect in a partner. When I felt needy, I would often ask him why he loved me, and he would say, “I just do, I can’t explain why.”
kevkevtruong via Shutterstock
He didn’t have the words for it, just the feelings themselves. Ever as the therapist, I began to wonder if Mike’s flat facial expression and ever-present calm had some pathological basis, such as if perhaps he had been abused or traumatized in his youth.
We went to couples’ therapy, and I could tell he wanted to change and was making an effort to do so, but his changes weren’t enough for me back then. I felt he was just like my family, and I was projecting my youthful trauma all over the green screen he presented to me.
Then, one day, I happened to see an obscure movie called Adam, about an autistic man, and I felt I could identify with nearly every scene.
Also, Mike loved the popular TV series Big Bang Theory, and I would watch it with him. The show’s character, Sheldon, might as well have been Mike. Sheldon had a 50-page contract of rules for living with him, even one that stated, “No whistling in the house!”
While the show never directly comes out to say that Sheldon is on the autism spectrum, it is clear to those of us who know what it is this is exactly what is being dramatized by the actor. And then it dawned on me — Mike is on the autism spectrum.
I started to read more about it, and it became clear how Mike’s mind worked differently from my neurotypical one, as explained in a study published in the Human Development Journal. Almost immediately, 50 percent of my problems with him were gone. I thought, “What am I so angry about? He is trying harder than anyone in my family to accommodate my needs.”
My husband had no hidden agenda as a man on the autism spectrum.
Instead of thinking Mike had a hidden agenda or was playing games as my family did, I realized his neurodiversity is exactly who he is, and there was no attempt to manipulate me.
So, after 16 years of difficulty with traits I now know are neurodiversity related, I realized how much Mike had tried to make room for me in his world. I recognized how hard it was for him to be in a relationship and began to notice all his attempts, which were big for him. And the more he did, the more loved and secure I began to feel with him.
Out of his unconditional love for me, he was offering more verbal and physical cues.
I just had to pay attention to the way he demonstrated them rather than limit myself by only seeking what I was looking for. I started to see how hard he was working to override his autistic traits with me — and that enveloped me.
Long story short, these last eight years together, we have had a little conflict because I have been able to accept him for who he is, as he has done for me all these years.
Despite those we’ve known who can’t imagine how we have remained partners all these years — even some friends we have lost due to misinterpretation of Mike’s ways — I have never met anyone in these 24 years I would rather be with. He is the perfect partner for me.
LightField Studios via Shutterstock
I learned an important lesson from being married to a neurodiverse man that I want to share with anyone dealing with a partner: Put away your judgment.
Learn how their minds work differently than yours, and radically accept them for who they are. Don’t fight it.
This doesn’t mean you won’t have any conflict with your partner, but it will be easier to work through the conflict because it will lack the negative judgment about who they are that gets in the way of dealing with the issue at hand.
If you can, I’m pretty sure you will discover, like I did, new riches in your life.
Joe Kort, Ph.D., LMSW, is the founder and director of the Center for Relationship and Health. His latest book is Is My Husband Gay, Straight or Bi?