Your Answers To These 20 Basic Questions Reveal If You're In Love Or Lust
If you have to ask if you're in love, you probably are not.
LOOK | Canva Fairytales and movies lead us to believe happily ever after means everything is always wonderful. In real life. Projecting unrealistic fairytale expectations onto your love life makes it hard to answer the question: "Am I in love?"
If you believe happily-ever-after means everything always flows wonderfully when your relationship ebbs and flows, you may not realize you're actually in love. Additionally, having strong feelings for someone can make you think you're in love when you're actually in lust or are simply infatuated.
There are two important distinctions between lust and infatuation.
- Lust is a physical emotion often as a reaction to someone else's physical appearance. It's when you're attracted to someone and want to be with them only for that.
- Lust tends to be short-lived and is more about immediate gratification. If it's just lust, you might be intimate in the heat of the moment and only feel physically fulfilled, as evidenced by research in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.
- Infatuation is an even more intense, all-consuming feeling that arises when you're attracted to someone's appearance or are attracted to them.
- Infatuation happens early on and tends to become obsessive.
- When you're infatuated, you see them through rose-colored glasses based on who you imagine them to be. You put them on a pedestal and don't acknowledge them for who they are — good or bad. You may behave irrationally and become caught up in your feelings of what you think love is rather than living in reality.
The intensity of feelings that come with lust or infatuation may cause you to think you're in love. Jordana Lauren Metz's study of cultural myths and romantic idealization outlines how lusting after or being infatuated with someone who doesn't feel the same way, disappointment, and heartache ensue. As a result, these experiences don't work out and cause you to believe love is hard, painful, and uncertain.
The reality is love isn't any of those things. If you're experiencing love to be hard, painful, and uncertain and asking yourself if you're in love, the answer is probably no, you are not.
Lust and infatuation are usually fleeting and short-lived, and neither tends to turn into true love. When you're in love, you will have intense feelings for a guy and be attracted and connected to him on the level of mind, body, and soul.
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Here are 20 basic questions that will reveal if you're in love or lust:
Instructions: Answer true or false with the first response that comes to mind. If you find yourself overthinking or rationalizing your answers, stop answering. Pause, take some deep breaths, and relax. Then, begin again when you feel able to respond from a place of inner calm.
1. I am attracted and connected to my partner physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
2. The thought of my partner makes me happy.
3. I feel happy about myself when I'm with my partner and when I'm without them.
4. I am free to be my true self in my relationship.
5. I like who I am in my relationship.
6. I love myself just as much as I love my partner.
7. I feel good about who my partner is.
8. If my partner were to lose their material possessions, I would still love them and want to be with them.
9. I appreciate my partner and their quirks.
10. I'm happy for my partner when good things come their way.
11. When difficulties come up for my partner, I'm here to support them.
12. I feel good about the way my partner and I interact and resolve issues.
13. I choose in favor of our relationship; my decisions are for the greater good of our relationship.
14. When I have good or bad news or a challenging situation, my partner is one of the first people I call.
15. When we have issues, my initial response is to resolve them, not to leave the relationship.
16. When our relationship isn't flowing as smoothly as I'd like, I'm able to be with what is and trust that things are and will be fine.
17. I feel content and fulfilled in my relationship.
18. I know my partner feels the same way about me as I do about them, i.e., we both like and love each other.
19. There's no one else I'd rather be with than my partner.
20. I mostly approach our relationship from a place of love.
You are most likely in love if the majority of your answers are "true." If most of your answers are "false," you're not in love. You're approaching love from fear and under the belief love is hard.
No matter how you answered the love or lust quiz, here are my perceptions and experiences of what love truly is.
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Feelings are the most common way that people learn about and experience love. When it is true love, you will feel good about yourself when you're with and without them. As a result, you will also feel good about them.
Since you're only human, sometimes you may not feel so good about yourself or them. This doesn't mean it's not love. It just means things are ebbing, and change and growth are taking place.
We tend to look for love from someone else, not realizing love is within, as explored by Tobias Esch in research on the neurobiology of love. Love is about loving yourself first, so you're whole and not looking for someone else to complete you.
The quality of your love life is a direct reflection of how much (or little) you care for and love yourself. The more you love yourself, the more you attract a person who will love you just as much.
Love is experienced in the present moment. When you're present, negative thoughts and feelings fall away, making space for gratitude, kindness, and loving energy.
Being present with your partner lets you see them through fresh eyes and keeps you in love. The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships published a meta-analysis of love in romantic relationships that helps show how being present helps you express yourself more openly, building a deeper connection.
It's easy to choose love when things are going well. And when insecurities and fears come up, choosing love is where your greatest growth happens.
Love is choosing us over me (unless you're in an abusive relationship). It's being considerate of your partner and making choices for the greater good of your relationship.
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Building a strong foundation of love happens by being the best version of you, taking the time to learn about each other, appreciating and accepting each other's qualities, quirks, and differences, being there through thick and thin, resolving differences respectfully, and letting them be who they are without trying to change them.
The bottom line is this: if you're in love with the right person, love won't be or feel hard.
You will feel uplifted and loved for your true self. You will know how they feel about you. Your relationship will flow with more ease, and when difficulties arise, they will be resolved respectfully.
Janet Ong Zimmerman is a dating and relationship coach, the founder of Love for Successful Women, and the creator of the Woo Course: 9 Juicy Ways to Bring Out a Man's Desire to Woo You. She helps successful women find the love they desire.