The Psychological Reason So Many Incredible Women Are Drawn To Selfish & Narcissistic Men
You’re attracted to them, and keep allowing them into your life.
Hirurg | Canva Do you have a pattern of toxic relationships? Do you ever meet a guy who is so amazing at the start, charismatic, charming, and so into you. But as soon as you get hooked, he starts becoming controlling and critical. While your pattern of attracting selfish men may leave you feeling hopeless about your prospects for lasting love, the truth is that you can break this pattern by developing new dating strategies.
The first step to understanding why you keep attracting narcissists is to turn the question around to better understand what is really going on. Instead of asking, “Why do I attract narcissists and selfish men?” you are better off asking, “What is it about these men that feels familiar to me?”
The real reasons so many incredible women are drawn to selfish men:
1. You were raised by a narcissistic parent
This is the most common reason why you are attracting narcissists. You learn about love initially in your family of origin. The dynamic between you and the people who raised you creates your subconscious programming for love and intimate relationships.
While your relationship with your parents is not a romantic one, it is your first love relationship. As a little baby, you need to feel loved and safe to survive and your parents are the source of your love and safety.
Since your parents are like gods to you as a child, you won’t see their inability to parent you as their fault. Instead, you take full responsibility for their flaws.
You believe that you’re the problem and that there must be something wrong with you. You will take on any belief or strategy to feel loved and safe in your family of origin.
Children with narcissistic parents grow up to be perfectly matched with romantic partners who are narcissists, and may even end up as narcissists themselves, research from 2015 tells us. The relationship feels so familiar to you (and weirdly comfortable) that you have trouble extricating yourself from the toxic situation.
This same pattern applies to people who have abuse, bullying, or trauma in their childhood. The familiar dynamic plays out in romantic relationships.
Why do you attract narcissists? Because you were raised by one and you developed perfect strategies for accommodating their moods and selfish behavior. It feels “normal” and inviting to be constantly trying to win love from a narcissist who is incapable of loving you.
2. You have an overdeveloped sense of empathy
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It is important to understand and relate to another person’s feelings in order to develop healthy intimate relationships. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes to feel what they are feeling allows you the ability to release judgment and understand your partner’s point of view.
However, having the ability to tune into your partner’s needs and desires plays right into a narcissist’s need to be the center of attention. While you may be great at valuing your partner’s point of view, your narcissist boyfriend won’t ever be able to reciprocate empathy. In fact, he’ll be using it against you.
He’ll be constantly asking you to see his side of things while discounting your own experience and your emotional life. He’ll play the victim when he’s called on it, and he may even attack you for criticizing him.
Empaths also tend to give others the benefit of the doubt and assume their intentions are altruistic. This can cause you to easily forgive bad behavior and assume your partner isn’t against you or trying to manipulate you.
This plays right into a narcissist’s strategy allowing them to take advantage of your good nature.
Why do you attract narcissists? Because your empathic abilities leave you vulnerable to a narcissist’s manipulation.
3. You tend to sacrifice your needs to earn love
You can’t sacrifice your needs and have healthy relationships. This co-dependent strategy leaves you feeling empty and wondering if your partner will ever reciprocate.
Narcissists don’t reciprocate. They just continue to receive until you have nothing left to give.
Narcissists will wring you dry again and again and again. Giving to get is not a good strategy for lasting love. Notice if you find yourself feeling angry and resentful that your partner doesn’t consider your needs.
A narcissist sees you as the solution to their needs and is unable to understand that you require something from them. In his mind, being with him should be enough for you.
Why do you attract narcissists? Your strategy of over-giving and sacrificing your needs feeds the narcissist so he feels satisfied without requiring him to reciprocate.
4. You don’t believe that you are worthy of love
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Low self-esteem can leave you vulnerable to a narcissist. At the beginning of the relationship when he is love-bombing you, you’ll feel overwhelmed by how much attention he is directing your way. Research from 2019 shows that low self-esteem is incredibly bad for you, and can lead to depression and anxiety.
The narcissist will use his appearance of self-confidence to take advantage of your lack of confidence.
Initially, he’ll show up to rescue you and be your hero. He’ll appear as the answer to your prayers and dreams.
But as the relationship continues, he’ll begin to use your lack of self-esteem against you, subtly chipping away at your confidence. This is a way of controlling you and keeping you under his sway. He knows he can turn his attention back to you anytime he needs to, and you’ll respond accordingly.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474, or log onto thehotline.org.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and founders of Creating Love On Purpose with a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks to love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.