The Common Assumption Made By Wives Who End Up Pushing Their Husbands Away
It seems like an ideal relationship goal, but sabotages your relationship in the end.
Iona Didishvili via Shutterstock Being friends with your partner is a big plus for creating a strong and healthy marriage. Romantic love ebbs and flows over time, and being friends helps you stay connected during the lulls.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking this friendship is the same as the ones you have with your platonic pals — or even the ones you have with your closest siblings. Your spouse — and your marriage — are not supposed to work the same way friendships do.
The common assumption wives make that pushes husbands away
Several years ago, I was giving a talk and, after it was over, a woman approached me with, “Can you explain my husband to me?”
He had been working on the bathroom faucet and kept walking back and forth from the kitchen to the garage. She got upset because he never took out the empty pizza box that was sitting in plain sight on the counter. All her friends agreed he was inconsiderate.
I explained, no, he was just hyper-focused on his task and never even saw the box until she threw it on the floor in his path. This caused a lot of strife between them because she assumed he saw the pizza box but didn't care enough about her to throw it out.
The misunderstanding: That your marriage should be like a friendship
Whether or not you want to acknowledge it, you and your spouse often think differently, as supported by research in Biological Psychiatry. In our society, children are usually raised differently based on their gender, with different expectations and pressures. While the gender gap was rapidly closing, the truth is it is a different world depending on your gender, which creates differences in how we all communicate.
Of course, when you think about it, we are all different in various ways. Yes, even your closest friends. The difference is, that we don't push our friends away when we realize they think or communicate a little differently. We don't assume they don't care.
We expect more from partners than we do from our friends
Prostock-studio via Shutterstock
The APA suggests expecting your partner to see the world the way you and your best friends do is setting you both up for disappointment.
You and your best friend may spend hours talking about who said what and what they meant. You may want to recount the same details of your day in the same way as a means of connecting to your spouse. They may even be willing to listen — but don’t expect them to interact with you in the same way your best friend does.
It's fun you have a strong connection, but think about it. You don't have the same connection with every one of your friends and that's OK. We all adapt and relate to friends differently.
So why isn't it OK when your spouse communicates differently? Because, too often, we take it personally.
Many people don’t want to rehash their day, especially if it hasn’t been a great one. For them, it’s over and they can’t change anything, so what’s the point in reliving it? That's how people raise boys to view emotions and conversation, so it's often how they think.
People in an intimate relationship also pay attention to different aspects of the same experience, and, in many cases, some remember more specific details. Because you and your friends perceive more similarly, those memories may be more alike than not.
Just because your spouse doesn’t remember the conversation took place at your mother’s, or that it was your friend Jane who picked you up from the airport, it doesn’t mean they weren’t paying attention. More than likely they were listening, but different things made it into their memory.
Unlike some of your friends, your partner may not catch subtle suggestions that lead you to be angry, grow resentful, and push your partners away. What's sad is their different interpretation of your suggestions may not mean they don't care. It might just mean you aren't communicating clearly to them.
Sure, some of your friends get the real message behind the questions you ask right before your birthday, such as, “Have you heard about this new restaurant?” or “Wouldn’t it be fun to check out this show?” But not all of them will and, culturally, some people are taught to be more direct, so they get confused as to why you didn’t just tell them you wanted to go.
I remember when my mother told me, in all seriousness, that she didn’t think women should have to ask for what they want, and I often hear women say something similar — if I have to ask for it, then my partner doesn’t mean it. They think their spouse doesn't care.
No matter how good a relationship you have, your partner will never be able to anticipate your desires without some guidance.
In reality, this is true of your friends too. You just might not be aware of it because you and your friends probably speak the same language.
Your relationship with your spouse developed in a different way than the ones with your friends, even if your marriage started as a friendship. Yes, having your spouse as a friend is a real asset. And being able to appreciate the unique qualities they bring to your life is a reason to celebrate.
Lesli Doares is a therapist, coach, and the founder of Foundations Coaching, a practical alternative for couples worldwide looking to improve their marriage without traditional therapy.