8 Things To Consider Before Giving Up On Love For Good
Don't throw the towel in just yet.
Pixel-Shot / Shutterstock I tend to overthink things. Sometimes that has worked well for me, but often it has the opposite effect, especially when it relates to my relationships.
Then something strange happened: I stopped overthinking, assuming what the other person in the relationship was thinking, or figuring out in my mind what their actions might mean. I almost thought about giving up on love because I started to think that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.
Dating is tough for everyone — limited dating pools, a dating environment focused on quantity over quality, and the lost art of courting has just about been eradicated.
It might be a little dramatic to say that courting is eradicated. But even with all of the options that are supposed to make dating easier and more natural, it has had the opposite effect. In fact, it can be more difficult to connect and find love.
The roads along the way to finding something meaningful are full of speed bumps, and even with seemingly more options available to us, it’s still hard to find someone compatible.
People who are attractive, funny, and successful don’t have added advantages in love. But there are some things that help make the road to love less difficult.
8 things to consider before giving up on love
1. You may just be doubting who you are as a person.
When you have kissed a lot of frogs and you still haven’t found your Prince, metaphorically speaking, it’s easy to wonder if something is wrong with you.
If you have had multiple relationships where people you have dated have made the same or similar complaints to you about specific issues, there is a common thread. You need to do some reassessing and figure out how you can become a better partner.
If this isn’t the case, and you just have had bad luck or bad dating experiences, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, focus on what qualities are important and non-negotiable to you.
When you do so, it will cut your time in half of dealing with people with which you aren’t compatible.
2. You may be making assumptions.
Remember that saying, “When you assume, you make an a** out of you and me”? Pardon my French, but an assumption is the worse thing anyone can make in a relationship. Yet, we do it a lot.
Here are some examples:
- “He didn’t call me. That means he doesn’t care about me.”
- “She didn’t figure out what would make me happy on my birthday. She doesn’t know me or care about what is important to me."
- “The sex between us is subpar. He is just so selfish in bed.”
These assumptions are just that: assumptions.
Want to get clear on who someone is and what they are feeling or thinking? Instead, ask them the question as to why they are doing a particular action. Their answers may surprise you.
Often, we are in our heads too much. In doing so, we assume the other person’s perspective but fail to note that everyone has their view.
3. You may be expecting what makes you successful in your career to make you successful in a relationship.
Yes, you're rocking it at your company or in your entrepreneurial endeavors. That is great, but the skills that help you climb the corporate ladder or have success in your personal business aren’t the same skills that lead to a successful relationship.
Relationships thrive on teamwork, compromise, more compromise, and a constant balancing act between two people. In a career, there are sacrifices you make as you move to the top of the ladder, but the progression is more "me-centered."
In a relationship, you're tested daily on your ability to balance your priorities with your partner. And the pendulum can swing in any direction at any given moment, testing your tolerance, patience, and the strength of your relationship.
4. You may not be enjoying being single and using the time to learn more about yourself.
Learn to do things for you and your benefit. Love who you are and where you are, whether you're single or not.
Being single is a great time to grow, focus, and build yourself up. When you're in a relationship, things shift, and you have to make time and energy for your partner. When you're single, you have less distraction and more time for creativity.
Take advantage of the time. Being in tune with you are makes you ten times more attractive and helps you to bring the right person into your life.
5. You may not understand that you want someone who complements you vs. someone who completes you.
Remember the Tom Cruise movie "Jerry McGuire" with Renée Zellweger where she uttered the famous line to him, “You complete me”? It was a love scene where her character figured out that she needed Jerry McGuire in her life because she was better with him than without him.
No one can complete you, but they can complement you. While having someone in your life can temporarily make you feel complete, the feeling is fleeting and short-lived.
You have to feel complete within yourself first. Being complete with yourself is a permanent feeling. No one should or can take away this feeling from you.
Learn to enjoy who you are and embrace your authentic self fully. When you do, you will not seek completion from someone else, but instead, see out someone who is complementary. And that is what makes a dynamic relationship.
6. Know what’s real versus what's fake.
When you feel something real with someone, and the feelings are reciprocated for you, it’s an entirely different dynamic. You aren't afraid for them to see you at your worst. It isn’t a dealbreaker, but a relationship builder.
You don’t fear that they will leave you when things get rough because they are showing you by action, not words, that they are there and will be there through it all. They support you, cheer for you, and want you to be successful.
If they don’t do any of these things and you don’t have any of these feelings, you're wasting your time. Leave that relationship quickly.
7. You may be sabotaging love rather than embracing it.
Sometimes even though you may say you want love, you may do things that push love away instead of pulling it closer to you.
For example, I was guilty many times out of protecting my heart. I would say things to guys that didn’t necessarily help build a loving relationship as a litmus test to see if they would stick around. I would challenge men needlessly because I didn’t want to appear vulnerable.
The bottom line is that to experience love, you have to be willing to embrace or be open to being loved. You can’t sabotage your relationships out of fear before you give the relationship a fair chance.
Your feelings are tender and dear to your heart, so putting up a blocker or protective mode is normal because it keeps you from being hurt. But if someone is doing the right things, and trying to show you love, you owe it to you and them to give them a fair shot.
8. You may not understand the power of vulnerability in a relationship.
Vulnerability and love go hand in hand. One doesn’t exist without the other.
Your willingness to show some level of vulnerability makes your relationship more transparent and real. Vulnerability is hard. Talk about wearing your feelings on your sleeve.
But when you're vulnerable, it shows you're real and have depth. Think about your friendships. When did those friendships become more solidified? If I had to take a guess, it was when you allowed yourself to share something vulnerable about yourself and your friend did the same. Those moments are what cement true friendships.
And they do the same in relationships. No relationship can move forward or be sustainable without your willingness to be honest with one another about your fears, concerns, and failures. These real moments create more solid and longer-standing relationships.
Elizabeth Overstreet is an author, speaker, and relationship coach.