4 Signs A Woman Is A Wounded Avoider Who Pushes Love Away Without Realizing

Unresolved fears of intimacy can often manifest as a greater avoidance of love that typically stems from a past relationship, self-esteem struggles or adolescence-based trauma. 

Despite their significance, many wounded avoiders aren’t adamantly focused on these experiences, however, and often they operate unaware of their deflection of love. 

Healing coach Ryan Light shared the four main signs of 'wounded avoiders,' women who tend to avoid love without realizing it.

1. They act fiercely independent but feel completely alone. 

“Fiercely independent” — it’s a trait that we all aspire to have. Of course, significant others, friends, and family make life more fulfilling but if we can always rely on ourselves, that’s ideal. 

Many people, however, don’t have an option and operate independently because they have to, which ultimately leaves them feeling lonely. 

While it’s often desirable to be “fiercely independent” the trait can sometimes be linked to an avoidant attachment style from not receiving enough stability in childhood. This attachment style creates a narrative where independence is the only option because underlying fears of abandonment or disappointment from relying on others were concreted earlier in their lives. 

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2. They push everyone away even though they desire closeness. 

“Wounded avoiders” push people away even if they don’t mean to or want to. Oftentimes, traumatic experiences with love make it difficult to trust others resulting in a cycle of continuously “testing” anyone who comes into their lives. At every sign of confrontation, they threaten to leave. This coping mechanism is triggered by a lack of trust, self-esteem issues, and unresolved trauma that manifests in new ways.

Using therapy as a tool to combat this tendency can be helpful for many wounded avoiders and creates a space to talk about their experiences and think about balance in their relationships. 

3. They confuse physical intimacy with emotional stability. 

Therapist Jeff Guenther shared several myths on TikTok about physical intimacy that are not only unhealthy but can be detrimental to the wounded avoiders who struggle with love. 

One of those is the idea that physical intimacy is aligned with emotional stability. While that might sometimes be the case, it’s not always the truth. While physical intimacy is helpful for exploring and expressing feelings, the basis of a healthy relationship lies in emotional connection and stability. The more you’re able to open yourself up to an emotional connection, the healthier your physical intimacy becomes. 

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4. They practice self-sabotage despite their desire for a relationship. 

Self-sabotaging relationships is the act of pushing people away or finding a way out of a connection without a solid basis for doing so. 

Wounded avoiders often make excuses or ghost people when connections become more serious making it easier to become attached to people who treat them poorly. 

The first step in healing is acknowledging your identity as a wounded avoider.

It can be scary to confront childhood trauma or self-esteem issues that are rooted in the past. Acknowledging toxic habits and past traumas can set you up for healthy, long-term relationships when you’re ready. 

Even if you aren’t sure if this is you, finding someone to talk to, like a therapist, can be helpful. 

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Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment writer at YourTango focusing on pop culture and human interest stories.