You Cannot Prevent Arguments With This One Type Of Person
Knowing when you're dealing with an emotionally immature person is the first step.
Liza Summer / Pexels via Canva Nobody likes the crippling anxiety that comes with conflict, but arguing in relationships is normal. However, there is a distinction between a healthy amount of conflict in a relationship and a relationship where your arguments become exhausting.
Unfortunately, there is one particular kind of person you cannot avoid arguments with — someone who is emotionally immature.
Jimmy Knowles, podcaster and social media creator, shared four questions you need to ask yourself if you're dealing with an emotionally immature person.
Questions to ask yourself before trying to stop an argument with an emotionally immature person
1. Are they concerned with you feeling safe and valued?
Before you attempt to diffuse conflict, ask yourself if this person is concerned with making you feel valued.
Licensed therapist Jenny Walters says, “When someone doesn’t value or respect your feelings you may feel like you need to walk on eggshells around that person.”
Through this, you begin to feel unsafe and undervalued during conflict. Especially when you try and convey how you're feeling.
Watch out for these signs:
- Don’t show interest in your life.
- They have a different agenda in your relationship.
- Ignore the impact they have on you.
- Don’t respond with your request to change their behavior.
If you feel these signs don't apply, then bring up your concerns to your loved one. Chances are they're willing to meet you halfway there to help resolve conflict.
2. Can you bring up hurt and concern and feel heard?
Do you feel that you can bring up hurt and concern without being demeaned? If you can, then that means you are dealing with an emotionally mature person.
"But if you struggle with bringing up conflict, start by using good manners," writes therapist Catherine Topham Sly.
Try not to show contempt or criticism, instead pretend someone else is in the room with you. Through this, you can ensure that you're on your best behavior.
"Always talk in 'I' statements instead of 'You' statements," Sly encourages. This will prevent your partner from becoming defensive.
Remember to avoid complaining about your partner's characteristics and instead focus on complaining about the situation. In addition, address and resolve conflict immediately. Doing this will prevent resentment from building up. As well as make addressing the problem a whole lot easier.
3. Are they interested in de-escalating conflicts?
Before you hit the brakes to de-escalate a situation, ask yourself if that's what they also desire. And if your loved one wants to resolve conflict you must remain calm too. The other person is likely frustrated and maybe fearful. Wait until they've calmed down and be sure to listen to their concerns.
Do you feel overwhelmed? Take ten minutes to cool down. Express empathy and take deep breaths to ground yourself.
4. Are they interested in taking accountability?
Resolving conflict begins with taking responsibility for your actions. If this person can't do that, then you can kiss resolution goodbye.
However, if they're willing to own up to their mistakes there are a few things you can do.
"Practice good communication and be sincere with your apologies," writes marriage consultant Melissa Orlov. Don't blame one another for your actions, instead, own up to them.
Remind yourself that forgiveness isn't for the other person, but it's also for you. Orlov advises, "If you hold onto anger or resentment, these will be impediments to moving forward.”
What to do if the answer to these questions is no
"It's important to acknowledge that we can't prevent arguments with emotionally immature people," says Knowles.
And throwing yourself under the bus isn't going to quell the anger of an emotionally stunted person.
"The best thing you can do is to not accept responsibility for their poor reaction," Knowles continues. Their reaction is not your problem.
It's always a great idea to seek professional help where you can express your feelings in a safe, judgement-free environment.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.