After 10 Years As A Dating Coach, Here Are The 8 Signs He's Trying To Control You
If these signs sound familiar, your man is manipulating you and doesn't love you.
shutterbirdt | Motortion | Getty Images / Africa images | Canva Guys, you may be used to wearing your power suit during the day and calling all the shots with everyone around you. But, you’re going to have to change suits if you want a confident, alluring, sophisticated rock star of a woman by your side.
There's a serious problem with successful men who have trouble finding women who are their true matches: smart women, successful on their own merits, and sexy in that powerful way independent women can be.
But men like you need to control the outcome of everything around you and it's causing you to slowly lose your grip when it comes to love and relationships.
In fact, if you don’t get a hold of your deep-rooted insecurities, every woman you meet who is a potential match is eventually going to fly the white flag and walk away. She isn’t a puppy or a muppet under your strategic mastermind. Nor is she an extension of your frail ego that will shatter like glass at the resistance of your demands. She is your equal.
So, if you display any of the 10 signs of a controlling boyfriend listed below in your relationship, be prepared to lose her, because your ideal woman would rather find another man to date than allow your fears to invade the security of her self-worth.
Here are the 8 signs he's trying to control you:
1. He acts like your personal Weight Watchr
You beg her to hit the gym with you, as being in shape is extremely important to you. And you think it should be important to her as well, even though she is the same size as when you met her for your first date.
But guess what: She owns her body, curves and all. If she wants to eat a cheeseburger or an entire pizza by herself, then for goodness sake she can! It’s her body and her choice of how she treats it.
She can eat whatever makes her happy and it is not your business to state otherwise. So, you’re going to have to love her body the way she loves her body or someone else will appreciate the knockout she already is.
2. He constantly offers you unsolicited advice
You love offering advice to her and helping in every possible way you can. You think you know what is best for her and you want to make sure she is always making the right decisions in her life. In fact, as your girl, you would hate to see her make a fool of herself or, even worse, embarrass you. Know-it-alls blow it all!
She will eventually become so used to hearing your advice, that she begins to wonder if she can even live without you. After a while, she won't be able to make life decisions without consulting with you first.
That's not the strong, sexy woman you want, is it? That woman is not your match, but you've put her in that position.
3. He acts like your GPS
You take her to work each morning and pick her up in the evening, so you know her whereabouts at all times. At first, she may think you’re man of the year for all that you do. You even know her schedule better than you know your own. Nothing gets past you.
Even on the weekends, you give her the same drill. Requesting her to check in every hour, assuring she’ll never betray you. However, your lack of trust is getting tiresome to deal with day in and day out. She will start staying out longer and you'll realize that, soon she's avoiding you.
That's because she isn’t lost, baby! She never was. Your inability to control your fears will weigh on the relationship. Your innate masculinity turns into obsessive possessiveness that is too much to handle.
If you don’t want to lose her, you’re going to have to loosen up the reins and let her have her own life outside of your relationship. The minute you give her space, she’ll think twice about whether she wants to replace you.
4. He expects you to be at his beck and call
You haven’t spoken to her in an hour and you have no idea why she isn’t returning your text messages or calls. You typically check in to make sure she’s fulfilling your needs and insecurities. Everything has to be on your terms, reassuring yourself that you haven’t lost control.
Heaven forbid she has a life of her own, that isn’t flexible to change at the drop of a hat when you request to see her. You believe her life comes second to yours, as you're the man in the relationship.
But if you want immediate answers, ask Siri, not your girlfriend. You can keep dating women who fall under your spell of control, but, truth be told, you’ll be bored before long, because a successful man like you needs a woman who can stimulate him mentally if the relationship is going to survive.
You deeply want a woman who stands up to you and doesn’t take anything from you. But, if you want that type of woman, you’re going to have to accept her and the life she created before you came into the picture.
If a woman who has a passion for life is all you have ever wanted, don’t try to take that passion away from her and destroy the very thing you crave.
5. He spoils you with gifts
You buy your way into her heart by taking her to the latest restaurant openings and events around town.
Spoiling her is your specialty. You think if you give her everything she wants from vacations to handbags, she won’t stray. But the minute she wants to engage in her own life, your anxiety will creep in, unleashing like a barracuda.
As a result, you will be tempted to throw in her face about how well you treat her and everything you do for her. You will tell her how no other man will ever give her what she wants. Only you can give her the world.
You need to understand this: her love is priceless. All she ever truly wanted from you was your love. The gifts were nice, but they never really meant much to her. Your heart was gold to her, the jewelry was nothing more than metal in a box.
6. He uses persuasive language to get his way
Everyone who knows you knows you’re a smooth-talker. You talk your way around the boardroom like a magician, influencing any negotiation to your favor. You command the attention of others with your sweet charm and endless flirty demeanor, leaving your audience speechlessly blushing.
And when it comes to women, you’re no different. You can have any woman you desire once you get the chance to chat her ear off. You know how to make a girl feel like she is the only one in the room and your heart wants nothing more.
However, the minute you sense resistance, your persuasiveness and manipulation kicks into high gear. Focusing only on the goal, you’ll go to great lengths performing devilish tactics until you win her over. And once you win her heart, the influential strategies don’t stop there.
After all, you must keep her right where you want her under your supervision. But, it’s only a matter of time before your charm begins to wilt like a rose.
She will, eventually, question what the truth is. Do you even truly love her or was she just a conquest? Was this relationship ever real? And all she ever wanted was real, everlasting love.
7. It’s all about him
You can be a bit much to handle when you don’t get your way. Your aggressive nature morphs into juvenile outbursts, unleashing on whoever has crossed you. It's your way or the highway.
Your temper is fiery, leaving your woman second-guessing whether she should contradict your viewpoints or requests. She will start to ponder if you even value her thoughts. She thought you were in this relationship together, but it seems like things have become one-sided. She will eventually feel like her opinions fall on deaf ears.
The truth is, when it's all about you, she will get bored of your antics. Like you, she wants to feel heard and understood. It’s only a matter of time before she will see that the grass truly is greener on the other side and she will find a man who appreciates all of her and wants to hear her voice.
8. He isolates you from her friends and family
You want to be her one and only. Anyone else in her life threatens your position of being her number one priority.
The thought of her spending time with friends and family irks you because then you don’t have her full attention. Every time she mentions her brother calling, you drill her about the convo, asking for every last detail. You can’t bear the thought of another man being in her life, even if it is family.
Your neediness takes on a mind of its own. You begin to tell her how much you love her and how her family won’t always be there for her, but you will. Slowly but surely, she begins to lose friends as you constantly pine after her full regard.
You’re not her everything. She was everything before you. But as time passes, she will miss her friends and the life she used to have before you. She will crave those fabulous nights out with her girlfriends, along with the boring fishing stories her dad would tell.
She will realize that she wants those friendships and relationships back. At that point, no matter how much she adores you, she will need more to be happy and to feel complete in her own life.
So, don’t try to eliminate those close to her heart or you may be one less person she cherishes dearly.
9. He lives the motto, "Do as I say, not as I do"
You can do whatever you want, but she needs to check with you first before she makes plans.
You love being the man around town, checking out the latest hotspots with your guys. You don’t even bother messaging her your plans, returning home just before the sun is coming up.
Her girl's nights consist of mellow dinners. Bar-hopping is not even an option unless, of course, she is with you. This leads to World War III every time she wants to have a night out. But your fatherly ways of trying to protect her are an attempt to tame her wild spirit. And she can’t be tamed.
And that wild side is why you fell for her in the first place. She excites you and intrigues you beyond anything you have ever experienced before.
Partners are united on equal footing, giving each other trust, respect, and loyalty. And if you can’t give her the respect she gives you, soon she’ll be chasing her independence and freedom. Without you.
10. His love is conditional
As long as she follows your rules, your love is overflowing, like the Nile river. You can’t keep your hands off of her. You’ll do just about anything to make her happy, from mornings with breakfast in bed to candlelit dinners under the stars.
She is your world and put on a pedestal — the same pedestal you’ll take out from underneath her the minute she has her agenda that you don’t approve of, like a trip with friends.
You begin to withdraw your affection and your sweetness turns sour. But inside, she will know that she isn’t betraying the relationship by taking the trip with her girlfriends. You just know it’s less time with you.
Your emotional stonewalling will slowly shut her out. You think by retracting your love, she’ll fear she is losing you, but you'll only push her away.
There is one thing all of these points have in common: your fears. What you need to do is talk through your feelings with her. Opening up to her will bring her closer to you.
Letting her in on your secret fears will allow you two to establish communication and help you establish some healthier boundaries. This will not only strengthen your connection but also keep her close to you.
When you handle your emotions rationally, it’s much easier for your partner to find alignment with you. And when you are aligned, your fears will be naturally put to rest.
And what you're craving from that strong woman, that woman who is your true match, is a sense of alignment. That just can't happen when your primary goal is control.
Jan and Jillian Yuhas are dating and relationship lifestyle coaches who help men attract the women they want. They have been featured in The Good Men Project, Thrive Global, Shoutout DFW, and more.