If A Woman Chooses Men Who Are Bad For Her, She's Likely Dealing With 3 Core Issues
She always seems to find the bad guy in the crowd — and there's a reason.
Dean Drobot & Oleksandr113 via Shutterstock We all know someone who chooses the worst partners, breaks up dramatically and then does it again. And again. And then again. Maybe you are that person. If that is you, trust me, you're not alone. I once had horrible taste in partners, too.
If you're anything like me, you've wondered why this is the case, digging into what it is about those people that makes them so faulty. But is it the partner who is the problem? Maybe not. And it may not even be that our taste is bad — it could be something deeper that will just continue to occur no matter how hard we try until we resolve it.
And good news! If you're a guy wondering why you keep choosing partners who are bad for you, you're also not alone! Psychologist Dr. Arian Campebell Danesh breaks down the deeply personal reasons we choose bad partners in a recent informative video.
Three common reasons women choose men who are bad for them
1. She has patterns of unresolved trauma
Why do we choose partners who are bad for us? Danesh explains it is, "Due to underlying emotional patterns and unresolved traumas."
When we have unresolved trauma, it can manifest into our personal relationships. As Danesh says, "These choices can stem from low self-esteem, where they believe they don't deserve better."
If you don't have past relationship trauma, this can also stem from childhood trauma, as outlined in a 2014 study. If you had unhealtly examples of romantic relationships or were raised in a toxic household, it's not surprising you'd struggle to find a good partner. After all, you don't even know what a good partner looks like.
Despite this, there are obvious red flags that should send you running. If your partner is inconsiderate or disrespectful should be a clear sign to turn the other way. So why do we stay?
2. She fears being alone
Danesh explains, "The fear of being alone can push individuals to settle for less than they deserve." Remember, people who experienced trauma just want to experience safety. Research shows how being alone can be triggering because it can remind them about the times they weren't safe.
This is why it's important to understand the choices you make are subconscious and driven by a need of familiarity, explains Danesh. If you can understand this, you can understand why you choose the partners you choose.
Danesh continues, "Breaking these patterns requires self-awareness, inner work through something like therapy, and a commitment to self-love." But what does self-love even look like?
3. Her lack of self-love is blocking healthy partnership
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According to psychotherapist Sharon Martin examples of self-love can include:
- Self-compassion: Treating yourself kindly and with respect.
- Setting boundaries: Understanding your needs and communicating those needs to others.
- Self-care: Do activities that energize you and feed into your emotional well-being.
- Positivie self-talk: Talk to yourself as you would a loved one.
- Self-acceptance: Knowing your flaws and quirks and learning to embrace them.
Finally, healing from this trauma will be challenging. For some, it can take years to get to a point where they feel more emotionally stable. However, with time, dedication, and consistent effort, you can kick this bad habit to the curb and find the true love and peace you deserve.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics