Woman Asks How To Confront Her Boyfriend After He Admitted To Having 'Extreme' & 'Disrespectful' Views About Women
“I think everything he said is disgusting.”
dimaberlinphotos / Canva Pro Certain controversial topics can be difficult to approach and agree on when it comes to our relationships, friendships, and family.
Sometimes, it is best to avoid them during discussions, but how do you navigate extremely differing views with a romantic partner? What if those views are downright offensive?
One woman asked how to confront her boyfriend after he shared his ‘disrespectful’ views about women.
In the r/relationship_advice forum, she explained that she is 28 and has been with her 45-year-old boyfriend, who she referred to as Tom, for two years. Four months ago, she said they briefly separated for a few weeks due to his “extreme” views, but he vulnerably recognized his questionable opinions, chalking it up to how he was raised and vowing to “do better.”
“The whole thing honestly felt so sincere,” she wrote. “I put it down to an age difference thing. We have been back together for a while, and nothing untoward has been said, and things have been going great.”
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That is until they were watching a comedy together one evening, which somehow led to a discussion about unplanned pregnancies.
The woman explained they both had children prior to their relationship and don’t plan to have any more. She expressed how her pregnancy disabled her, and getting pregnant again could either paralyze or kill her.
“I felt like it was going to be a conversation where he goes off on one and gets stroppy about something that isn't even relevant to us, so I asked him to change the topic because I can see we are going to disagree,” she said. “He did not.”
Tom claimed men are treated unfairly in every aspect of life, and they should have control over women’s bodies.
He made various shocking statements, believing women need a man’s permission to keep or terminate a pregnancy and they “lose the right” to make decisions about their bodies once they let a man impregnate them.
While there is some validity to the notion that men deserve to be included in the decision of whether or not to go through with a pregnancy, his views were nothing short of, as the woman described, "extreme," as women should always be afforded reproductive rights.
“There was honestly so much, and I just felt more sick the more he spoke,” she wrote. “I begged him to stop speaking because once he says things, I can't unhear[sic] them, but he just kept going!”
He claimed if a man wants a woman to get an abortion, it’s “morally wrong” for her to refuse, and he should force his decision onto her. To this point, he further added that if she moves forward with the pregnancy against his will, the man should not be legally responsible for the baby.
“He says, ‘If a woman lets a man impregnate them, then they are agreeing to give that man at least 50% control over her body,’” the woman wrote.
Tom certainly took his opinions way too far, making irrational claims about women directly to his girlfriend and refusing to let her speak on the matter.
“Every time I tried to speak, he spoke over the top of me,” she added. “If I tried to comment on anything, he just repeated what he had originally said like a broken record. Over and over again. Getting louder and louder.”
Tom referred to his statements using “we,” essentially speaking for all men and targeting all women.
“For example, ‘We just get [screwed] over constantly by you lot. You decide you want a baby, and WE have to pay for it!’” the woman said he argued.
Tom asserted that the woman needed to respect his opinions as his girlfriend, but she couldn’t help feeling ‘disgusted.’
He left that night angered and disappointed that she couldn’t respect his opinion. While she understands that two partners should be able to agree to disagree sometimes, she couldn’t see past his bold and degrading views.
“He can be very convincing, and I have questioned my judgments in the relationship before, so when are differing opinions too different to make it work?” she asked. “Is there a way to respectfully explain that I think everything he said is disgusting? How can I explain my viewpoint without coming across as disrespecting his opinions?”
Relationship coach Silvana Mici told marriage.com, "Misogyny often stems from deep-seated beliefs about gender roles and superiority. It’s important to challenge these beliefs through education and empathy." What that means is that simply disagreeing with Tom about his views or getting angry won't help the situation.
Mici added, "A misogynist may show a lack of empathy towards women’s experiences, dismissing their emotions or minimizing their concerns. Educate him about the impact of his words and actions. Encourage him to listen actively and empathize with women’s experiences. Seek couples therapy if communication issues persist."
While Tom claimed his statements were only his opinions, he maintained a very one-sided and unequal approach to the subject.
There is a significant difference between having opinions and casting judgment.
Reddit users identified Tom’s toxic and selfish ability to speak so harshly about women while refusing to hear what his girlfriend had to say.
“I think anything your SO does that constantly tears away at your well-being needs to stop,” one person commented. “And it's very rarely not intentional. Breaking people down is what controlling and abusive people do.”
“This is exactly what I feel like he does/has done,” the woman replied to the comment. “My self-esteem was at an all-time high before I met him after spending 5 years alone, working on myself. He has ruined all of it.”
The woman already seems to recognize her boyfriend’s toxic nature — hopefully, she can foster the strength to walk away and protect her peace.
Francesca Duarte is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team based in Orlando, FL. She covers lifestyle, human-interest, adventure, and spirituality topics.