Wife Who Was Planning To Leave Her Husband Before His Terminal Cancer Diagnosis Wonders If She Did The Right Thing By Staying
One woman thought she might somehow be in the wrong by choosing to stay with her husband and care for him after his cancer diagnosis.
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock While we may wish it were different, not every marriage is made to last. One woman knew hers was over and was planning her way out when her family received some startling medical news that changed everything.
After 20 years of marriage, she was ready for a clean break when her husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and her plans abruptly changed. The real question, however, is whether her plans for divorce should have changed. She turned to Reddit for advice, but, as with most problems in life, there is never really an easy black-and-white answer, especially when it comes to relationships and matters of the heart.
A wife who wanted a divorce chose to stay with her husband after he was diagnosed with cancer.
A 50-year-old woman shared what she and her 55-year-old husband, Adam, have gone through over the past year, which has probably been the most dramatic in their 20-year marriage. “About a year ago, I was ready to leave,” she admitted. “We had grown apart — emotionally, physically, even mentally. No infidelity, just a long, slow erosion. I hadn’t spoken to a lawyer, yet I was planning my exit.”
All of those plans were derailed when they got some life-changing news. “Then, in October, Adam was diagnosed with stage two cancer which has progressed quickly to stage four,” she explained. “I didn’t leave. I couldn’t. How do you walk away from someone who just found out they’re dying?”
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The woman did the only thing she could think of. “So, I stayed,” she said. “I shifted to caregiver, and I’ve played the part well. Everyone calls me ‘amazing’ and ‘so strong.’ I cook for him, I take him to treatments, attend all the doctors’ appointments. I will call the emergency services as needed. I tell him I love him. But deep down … I checked out a long time ago. And the guilt is crushing.”
“I’m not staying out of love — I’m staying because anything else would make me a villain in everyone’s eyes, especially because he would end up uninsured,” she confessed. “Life expectancy is three months [to] three years, in the rarer cases four to five years.”
Unfortunately, someone is now in on her secret. “Last week, his sister caught me crying in my car and asked if I was okay,” she continued. “I told her, stupidly, ‘I was going to leave before he got sick.’ She hasn’t spoken to me since.”
“I haven’t told Adam,” she revealed. “I won’t. What good would that do? He gets to die thinking I loved him through everything. Isn’t that better than the truth?”
Many people reminded the woman that in situations where the roles are reversed, most men would not stay with their wives.
Reddit users assured this woman that she was doing a wonderful thing by staying with and caring for her husband. As one person said, “You may have checked out on the marriage but not on your humanity.” Another added, “You don’t stay for someone you don’t love through cancer. Maybe you don’t love him romantically anymore, but you do love him as a human being, and that is more than enough.”
Others were quick to point out how different things could be if the roles were reversed. “Sadly, men are more likely to leave when their wives are diagnosed and women are more likely to stay,” someone commented.
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Bella DePaulo, PhD, cited a study that found that when married women were diagnosed with a brain tumor or multiple sclerosis, 21% of their husbands left them. When husbands got sick, only 3% of wives left. DePaulo theorized that "men may be more likely to go into a marriage expecting to be cared for. When the tables are turned and they are the ones who need to do the intensive caring, some will leave rather than step up."
Ultimately, regardless of gender or the state of the marriage before diagnosis, what this wife is doing is commendable and as one commenter poignantly noted, "What do I know, nothing. I wish you peace in your heart and your soul. Love ebbs and flows, right? It doesn't matter why you're still there, you are still there and you're going through what you are going through as is your husband." They added, "In the end, you are there for him, whatever the reasons, and that does mean something."
What this woman did is truly selfless.
While this woman is wondering if she is doing something wrong by staying with her husband even though she wanted to leave him, she is really missing the point of the great service she is providing for him. Very few happy marriages can survive such a serious diagnosis.
For her to choose to stay with her husband and care for him shows she has great character. As a commenter pointed out, she may not be in love with him, but she clearly still cares for him. After 20 years, your lives are so intertwined it's impossible not to. She is a good person who deserves gratitude from her husband and his family.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
