Why He's Ignoring You (And What To Do When He Doesn't Text You Back)
Things were going great — until they weren't. What do you do now?
Reshetnikov_art / Shutterstock You and this guy have been texting for a while. You are completely smitten and find yourself daydreaming about him instead of working. When his messages pop up on your phone, you get a huge smile on your face, dying to see what he has to say.
Maybe you've gone on a couple of fun dates, but nothing too serious has been discussed between the two of you. He enjoys joking with you until your stomach aches from laughter, and you also share a love for Mexican food on the weekends.
By the following Thursday, your spicy cravings are really starting to kick in. Did someone say mango margaritas?
But this Friday, he doesn’t make plans with you to hit up your favorite taco joint. You wonder about what he's up to and why he isn’t making plans ... but you keep it chill and don’t say anything. After all, you have your own life! Right?!
On Saturday, you send him a cute good morning text, but oddly, he doesn't text you back. You can't believe he's ignoring you.
Monday morning rolls around, and you still haven’t heard from him.
Why is he ignoring me?
There may be a number of reasons why a guy starts ignoring you and your texts. These include:
1. He's not interested.
Unfortunately, this is common behavior for guys who aren't interested but don't want to actually confront the issue head-on. They hope they can ignore the issue until it magically goes away.
2. He's punishing you.
Like when a guy ghosts you, he can't bring himself to talk about something he's upset about, but something you did may have upset him to the point where he thinks stonewalling you is the best strategy.
Maybe he feels like he isn't getting enough attention from you, and this is his (albeit, less than mature) way of showing how he feels about it.
3. He's sending mixed messages, or has some wires got crossed.
Maybe he doesn't know whether he likes you and is hot one day, cold the next. Or, maybe you thought he was just as into you as you are with him. Either way, something got lost in communication here (including communication itself).
4. He's got a life that doesn't revolve around you.
When he says he's busy, he's not trying to blow you off. He genuinely has a really hectic schedule and can't make as much time for you as you would like, which is something to think about.
It could mean a doomed relationship down the road due to resentment over not spending enough time with you, or he may not have enough time for a relationship, period.
5. He's super shy.
Some guys may seem like they aren't interested because they appear to avoid eye contact, don't text or call, and you're still waiting to hear back about that second date.
The truth is, some men really fear rejection or simply can't bring themselves to take the initiative in a relationship.
If you're OK with this, you're going to have to be the one to proactively ask him out instead of waiting forever for an invitation that isn't going to come.
What to do when a guy ignores your texts
You want to respond, but at the same time, you’re annoyed and completely flustered because he was MIA all weekend. So you debate whether you should bring up that he ignored you all weekend or play it cool like you don’t care?
This happens to our friends and clients all the time, so we've come up with some crucial rules to help you play it cool and also find out what's up.
Here's how to text a guy when he's been ignoring you.
1. Make him wait a bit.
You probably want to respond to his message right away, but wait!
You haven’t heard from him all weekend, so he doesn’t deserve your immediate attention. Stop and think about what you really want to say versus what you should say.
Impulsive messaging tends to come out like fast food, instead of replying with a well-marinated, savory thought that will keep him coming back for more.
It’s your job to set the tone of the relationship if you want to keep the connection sizzling. Establishing boundaries in the beginning stages creates a recipe for him to follow for future interactions.
Remember — you show others how you want and deserve to be treated by how you communicate.
When you haven’t heard from him all weekend, wait a good amount of time before you respond to his Monday morning text. A sufficient time would be one to three hours because you need to show him you have your own life too. Responding to him when you are free from your work duties or hobbies shows you aren’t available at his beck and call.
You’re not his ego-feeder.
2. Keep cool and calm.
Don’t respond to a text message when you are angry or upset over his behavior. Aggressive, fiery text messages often lead to a zero response rate.
They are overwhelming to read and may lead to him grabbing the hypothetical fire extinguisher. This can damage the connection instantly, cutting off all communication.
You don't want to explode without first knowing why was MIA all weekend! It’s good to ask indirect questions and not assume his whereabouts, for example, “Did you do anything fun this weekend?”
If you find yourself wanting to unleash, establish a cool-down plan of action. Going to the gym, getting a massage or listening to soothing tunes are great options for releasing tension.
This is when self-care is your key ingredient to keeping the connection burning — not your temper.
3. Be careful about what you do (and do not) say.
Don’t begin by asking questions or making statements that come off needy or lacking confidence.
Don't text:
“Where were you?”
“How come you didn’t text me all weekend?"
“So sad we missed our burrito night!”
“I miss your face!”
“Did you take another girl to our restaurant?”
Do text:
Reply to his Monday morning text message with something like,
“My weekend was great! Yours?”
You want to respond with messages that match the length of the ones he sends you in response. Nothing too short, nothing too long. Be concise and pleasant, and keep it at 10 words or fewer.
4. Own who you are.
Leaving a little mystery makes him want you, as a man likes to be intrigued.
Sending a positive reply shows you have your own thing going on and are optimistic about life. Thus, showing his lack of communication didn't impact your weekend plans or mood. You've got a life, girl!
Since you didn't hear from him all weekend, you don’t need to give him all the details about your weekend, either.
He missed out by not messaging you, so you don’t owe him the whole play-by-play unless he inquires more. (Even then, leaving something to the imagination is better than spilling every last detail.)
5. Don’t play games.
You don’t want to ignore him until the next day.
Two wrongs don’t make a right in this situation. It only creates an impasse in furthering your connection, causing friction and confusing barriers instead of drawing him in. Your goal is to reconnect on a positive note to get a good vibe going between the two of you.
Save face, and respond with grace.
Sending one-word replies, like “OK,” tend to come off as being passive-aggressive, which doesn't give room for a positive interaction to flourish. It just reveals that you are actually mad or feeling rejected, even though it's best for him not to know.
Your choice of words impacts the outcome of what comes next.
6. Avoid asking to see him again.
You will want to pull back if he's not asking to make plans.
A man needs to really feel space in order for him to do something about it. If you put just a little too much pressure on him, causing an imbalance in your dynamic, he may push back, as he will feel like you’re threatening his manhood.
It may be a week or two before he asks you for another burrito date. So keep calm and carry on.
When it comes to dating, it’s essential to keep your options open until a man shows commitment; don’t just wait around until he asks for another date and fully expect it will happen.
Being passionate about your own interests and feeling secure within your lifestyle gives you a source of confidence and charisma, which is what will attract a man to your feminine energy. There will be plenty more, and you'll forget all about the one who missed out on his chance with you, all because he couldn't pick up his phone.
At the end of the day, don’t place your happiness in the hands of technology. Live fully for you!
Jillian and Jan Yuhas are business coaches, boundary specialists, and dating and relationship lifestylists.