The One Thing Women Give Up That Pretty Much Guarantees A Relationship Won't Work Out
A lack of self-respect will put any relationship potential into a tailspin.
BongkarnThanyakij | Canva Do you tolerate people in your life who don’t treat you with respect, hoping they will change? Do you agree to do things for others wishing you’d have said, “No?” Or maybe you have a pattern of apologizing for your behavior when there is nothing to apologize for.
These are clear examples of behavior that stem from a lack of self-respect, which is self-defeating, and pretty much guarantees a relationship won't work out.
Breaking the pattern of unhealthy, unsatisfying, or toxic relationships starts with cultivating, practicing, and building self-respect. A relationship without respect between partners lacks harmony, fosters anger and resentment, creates an atmosphere of distrust, and ultimately dooms the relationship. In reality, you will never have a respectful partnership if you don’t respect yourself first.
Self-respect is defined as:
- Proper respect for oneself as a human being
- Regard for one’s standing or position
- Confidence and satisfaction in oneself
Self-respect means believing in yourself and behaving with character and integrity.
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Self-respect means believing in yourself and behaving with character and integrity. It is part of a triad of self-love and self-confidence. They all blend together to give you a solid foundation to move through the world and interact with others.
To behave with character and integrity, you have to believe in your abilities and your capacity. You have to believe that you are worthy of taking the uncomfortable steps to speak up for yourself.
You may not have grown up in an environment that led you to believe that you were worthy of standing up for. You may have done some things in the past that you are not proud of, or regret.
None of this means that you can’t begin right now to create self-respect and change your relationships for the better — particularly the one you have with yourself. No one is born with self-respect. It is something you develop over time.
Self-respect is the cornerstone of healthy, lasting love. Without it, your happiness will be constantly at the whims of whomever you are spending time with. Research from 2024 shows that people with high self-respect are less likely to experience depression and anxiety.
Without self-respect, you will allow other people to take advantage of you. You will find partners who don’t believe that you are worthy of being treated with kindness or respect, and do not value you.
All of your relationships are a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. You don’t recognize this fact because the image is distorted — it’s like looking in a Fun House mirror. If your relationship with yourself isn’t one of respect and love, then you will allow people into your inner circle who don’t treat you lovingly and respectfully.
Do you sacrifice self-respect for love? Are you often angry and resentful that you don’t get your needs met?
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Have you tolerated partners who treat you badly? Are you constantly feeling guilty or walking on eggshells, worrying that you’ve done something wrong? Lacking self-respect opens you up to being mistreated, feeling undervalued, and unsure of how to communicate when your needs are not being met.
All too often, the pattern of sacrificing self-respect for love comes from the false belief that if you had stronger boundaries then you would lose love. If you believe that you can’t do any better, or that what you have is good enough, then you will twist yourself into a pretzel from fear that if you stood up for yourself, no one would love you.
This false idea of love means that you need to get love from another person. The truth is that you share a loving relationship with another. Therefore, it is imperative that you love and respect yourself so that you have these qualities to share with a partner — and have them reflected to you through the relationship.
Self-respect is one of the keys to creating and maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationships. Research from 2023 states that people who can maintain their boundaries is a sign of high self-esteem.
Loving someone isn’t about merging into one person. It doesn’t mean that you can treat each other badly. Love comes with a boundary and that boundary is created by respect.
When you lack self-respect, you find it difficult to have boundaries in your relationships. You allow people to speak to you unkindly. You may ignore your partner’s manipulative behavior or have the belief that you must tolerate it.
Knowing what your deal-breakers are can bring some clarity and a sense of direction through the dating process. Dating is a way for you to cultivate discernment so you can deselect those who are not a good match rather than commit to the first person you have the spark of attraction with.
A few things that happen when you lack self-respect:
- You allow others to take advantage of you.
- You overcommit your time and energy to helping others.
- You concern yourself too much with what others think of you.
- You feel angry and resentful that your needs are not met by those you love.
- You are reluctant to ask for help or to receive it from others.
- You overindulge in food, alcohol, or drugs.
- You tolerate mental, emotional, or physical abuse.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474, or log onto thehotline.org.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and founders of Creating Love On Purpose with a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks to love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.