5 Ways To Heal From A Toxic Relationship With Your Mom
Healing and moving on from a bad mother-daughter relationship is possible.
fizkes | Canva The first experience we have with women is the experience we have with our mothers. It shapes our relationships with other women and how we view ourselves.
PubMed published a study that examined how the quality of a daughter's mother-daughter relationship during childhood and adulthood is related to her psychological well-being. The study focused on depressive symptoms and self-esteem later in life.
As you can imagine, mother-daughter relationships matter a whole lot. Your relationship with your mother may be less than ideal, but you can transform it into a positive experience.
Here are 5 ways to heal from a toxic relationship with your mom:
1. Manage your expectations.
As infants, we need someone to take care of us. As we grow, we become independent and learn to care for ourselves.
The problem lies in how much independence the child can assume, the timing, and the willingness to take personal responsibility. This works both ways; what is the child willing and able to do, and what will the mother allow the child to do?
Things that get in the way of our independence are beliefs like, “She won’t love me if she doesn’t need me,” “You are not smart, strong, or pretty enough to do it on your own,” “You are my whole life” to name a few of the more common beliefs.
Once you understand how your expectations are getting in the way of your independence, you can start to free yourself of them. Remember, you are an adult now, and you can redefine your expectations for yourself based on how YOU want to live.
2. Take care of your own needs.
There is no way anyone can be everything to anyone, yet this is what we unconsciously expect.
We often get upset, disappointed, hurt, neglected, misunderstood, or rejected when someone doesn’t satisfy our expectations. To live in a state of joy, take personal responsibility for your needs, wants, and desires.
Then, everything you receive from someone else is a gift, and you can live in a state of appreciation.
3. Know what your communication style is.
Not everyone speaks the same language. Some people are emotionally based thinkers, while others are critically based. The division line is not based on whether you are male or female. It is based on your dominant lobe and is present at birth. This remains constant throughout your life.
If your dominant sense is emotional, you will be aware of your feelings and the feelings of others. When you are tired or stressed, you do not have the energy to be rational about something and will react emotionally when asked to make a decision.
If your dominant sense is mental, you will look at things from logical, practical, and rational angles, often disregarding your feelings and the feelings of others.
Once you understand your communication and recognize that others don’t necessarily speak the same language, you can stop expecting people to say the things you want. Then, you can open yourself up to truly hear what others say, and they, in turn, can do the same for you.
4. Understand and reflect on what is bothering you.
When you have unresolved emotional issues within yourself that you do not like, you will find them very difficult to handle or even tolerate in someone else.
It's like looking in a mirror.
The answer is to take personal responsibility and look at your behavior and the unresolved emotional issues that are driving your behavior. It is difficult to see your problems and much easier to see undesirable behavior in someone else. So, examine yourself before you react to someone else.
5. Keep an eye on your health and wellness.
Are you hungry, tired, or irritable? Your blood sugar could be low. This can occur before you register the feeling of being hungry. Don’t just grab something sweet. It will only make the situation worse. While sugar will raise your blood sugar level quickly, it will also cause it to drop, putting more stress on your already stressed adrenals. The best answer is to eat something with a more sustained release, such as nuts and seeds combined with fruit or popcorn with real butter and mineral salt.
Fatigue may also play into this. Don’t bring up sensitive subjects when the other party is exhausted. You will not get the response you want, and bringing up the subject again will be difficult. If it is a time-sensitive issue, schedule a mutually agreeable time to discuss it.
One of the biggest problems I have found in relationships is that we think everyone else should think the way we do. It’s simply not possible! The reason for this is that we have different body chemistry.
Rarely is everyone in the same family the same type, so there is a good chance you and your mother have different body types, which means you also do not think the same way.
Reading someone else’s psychological profile goes a long way in understanding who they are and what motivates them. This allows you to let go of unrealistic expectations and appreciate them for who they are.
An easy way to identify your strengths and challenges is to learn your body type profile.
Dr. Carolyn L. Mein is a chiropractic physician who developed the 25-body type system as a way to help her patients attain and maintain their ideal weight and energy levels. She is also the author of "Different Bodies, Different Diets".