10 Ways You Fundamentally Change When Someone Breaks Up With You
Getting your heart broken drastically changes you.
Joshua Rondeau | Unsplash Breakups hurt. End of story. They not only affect you right away but also have lasting effects (some good, some not-so-good) that end up changing who you are as a person and how you interact with other people and future relationships.
If you've had someone break up with you, you know the following feelings all too well.
Here are 10 ways you fundamentally change when someone breaks up with you:
1. You are more cautious with who you put in your life
You don’t hesitate to say “no” to people, but not in the extreme way that you tell it to everyone who approaches you, even if they’re only asking for directions. What saying “no” means is that you’re now being careful, and brave, to politely decline someone’s sweet offer to be their one true love when, in your big heart, you can feel that it’s only going to end in tragic bitterness. You’re not yet too bummed to have a score of zero in the romance department, so you don’t mind waiting for someone nicer.
2. You trust yourself more
If there’s one person, in this populated world, who is never going to lie to you, that is surprisingly yourself. But this isn’t a fact that you magically realize one day. It takes one huge, dramatic heartbreak for you to learn that when you’re all alone at 3 a.m., dehydrated due to constant sobbing, you only have yourself to count on. You are the only one who knows yourself, and your secrets, better. There is nobody who can hurt you if they don’t know your weaknesses — it is only you who’s ultimately knowledgeable of these imperfections, and you’ve learned not to share them with anyone but yourself.
3. You are no longer surprised by disappointments
You don’t flinch when people and circumstances let you down. You have seen people walk away, without saying a word, just a goodbye wave. You have been ghosted. You have mourned for someone who is still very much alive. Disappointments do not shock you anymore. You just give a quick sad smile when another human being forgets to make good on his or her promises, remind yourself that people normally mess up, and move forward in your life, with no complaints.
4. You stop being a stalker
Not only because it is infinitely embarrassing when you get caught, but also because it destroys your morale. After too many hours of going through your ex’s social media profiles, it will dawn upon you how pointless it is to care about that one person who has forgotten about you a long time ago. It’s emotionally draining to investigate someone’s life and compare them to you. Some things are not worth knowing. You learn to keep your attention to yourself and live your life.
5. You set your expectations about online dating below par
Unless you’re twelve, you’re well aware and experienced that there’s no fairytale in online dating. Maybe there’s a 0.01% chance of people having happily ever after in that shared universe, but after spending some time in these dating apps, you’re somehow convinced that you’re on the other side of the equation. You’re not silly enough to not know that chats coming into your inbox after midnight are better left ignored. People sign up for dating apps for a lot of reasons, and having a serious relationship is mostly not one of them.
6. You view loneliness differently
You discover that spending time with yourself isn’t sad. Your own company doesn’t suck as much as you thought it would. You can learn so much about yourself when you’re not influenced by other people. The evolution of a human being, on average, isn’t dependable on whether he or she is in a romantic relationship. No one dies of anxiety by sitting somewhere alone. It’s okay to date yourself once in a while.
7. You realize that you can’t change people
Most people don’t react nicely when they’re being controlled, let alone being manipulated. You can give them your opinions and suggestions, but it’s them who will decide in the end if they will accept or reject those. It’s not cool to push your beliefs in their throats. No one wants to have their freedoms be stepped on. It’s not okay to force people to change for you.
8. You follow your instincts better
You don’t ignore your feelings when they tell you that something is off. You look at people, who show interest in you, like a hawk. You read their intentions very carefully — do they really like you because they’re crazy about you? Or do they like you only because they want something from you? Not all first impressions last. Asking yourself questions about someone’s character helps you avoid making bad decisions.
9. You don’t take everything personally
When people dump you, it doesn’t automatically mean there’s something wrong with you. Most of the time, if not all, those who, one day, decided to leave you are the ones who have major problems that need some solving. Maybe you’re too good for them and they just don’t feel like they deserve you. Whatever excuse they have for leaving you, in the end, it boils down to the fact that they can’t handle someone like you. And it’s never too late to find the one person who can.
10. You can’t imagine yourself dumping someone else
Revenge, for you, is a silly, immature thing. Just because someone destroyed your precious feelings before doesn’t give you the license to do the same for someone else. There’s nothing to be gained by inflicting pain on another person.
When you find yourself in a situation that you don’t like, you don’t just suddenly walk away without saying a word. People deserve to know the truth, or at least an explanation, the moment you thought you didn’t want them in your life, anymore. You can’t just weirdly disappear on the face of the earth. You have to give them a valid reason for your departure which, in turn, will help them heal and go on in their lives.
Angelo Caerlang is a writer and author of Sparks in Broken Lights. His bylines have appeared on Puckermob, Thought Catalog, and The Mind's Journal, where he writes on lifestyle and relationship topics.