7 Unsexy Questions To Ask When You're On The Verge Of Breaking Up
Is your relationship worth saving, or is it time to throw in the towel?
pexels One really common question that I hear often is, "How do I know when I should break up with someone?"
Sometimes I hear its variation: "I really love this person but how do I know if something is a deal breaker?"
Without a well-rounded perspective on what your relationship is really like, whether you should stay or go is my best guess — and you deserve more than a guess.
Take the time and put in the effort to analyze what's good and what's bad about the relationship, and then determine if it holds up to scrutiny. If so, maybe it's worth sticking with it.
If not, maybe it's time to move on.
Here are seven unsexy questions to ask when you're on the verge of a breakup:
1. Are your long-term goals and values compatible?
Do your life goals mesh? Do you have similar values?
If you want to travel the world and don't particularly love children, but your partner wants the white picket fence and 2½ kids, that's a pretty large chasm to bridge between the two of you.
The same goes for religion, politics, and anything else you feel really strongly about.
2. Is he honest and faithful?
Honesty and respect are key for a successful long-term relationship. If you're struggling with serious dishonesty from your partner about big things (not silly white lies meant to spare your feelings), you've got a problem on your hands.
If you've built a solid foundation for your relationship, you've got much more to work with.
As a friendly side note: Chronic dishonesty isn't likely to get better over time, so if you're hoping that he'll turn it around, I've got some bad news for you.
3. Are you excited about this person?
When you strip away all of the arguments, disagreements, and minor problems, are you still excited about being with them?
If you met her today, would you be interested in dating your partner?
It's really important for both people to feel like they're getting a great deal when it comes to their mate — and if you're still thrilled to be with her, it'll be much easier to work through problems as time wears on. It'll make the problems worth facing.
4. Is she interested in personal growth?
As the months turn into years together, you'll both grow and change.
However, if you're interested in personal growth, but they aren't, it's likely that you'll soon outpace her and then feel dragged down as time wears on.
Consider whether she has goals, drive, and a life purpose that matches yours.
5. Does he make you feel appreciated, happy, and good about yourself?
Does he bring you down or up? Is he insulting or deeply respectful to you? And you deserve to be treated well, so if he's respectful but you're not completely in love, don't settle.
You should be able to say with confidence that, as a whole, he is a positive addition to your life.
6. How's the communication?
Do you feel safe when expressing your needs, wants, and feelings? Can you disagree in a way that helps you both grow or do you rip each other to shreds? Positive communication only becomes more important as your relationship grows.
7. Are you happy more often than you're sad?
If you're crying more often than you're smiling, and it's not the one-off rough patch, it's a big red flag that things aren't quite right with your relationship. It sounds obvious, but it's truly surprising how often people ignore their own happiness when trying to make a decision about whether to break up.
While it's normal to have garden-variety disagreements and the occasional rough patch with someone, it is not normal to argue every night and cry all the time.
If you're constantly trying to "fix things" or you feel like you're going through hell to maintain your relationship, consider whether it's really worth it.
Elizabeth Stone is an author, dating coach, and personal development coach who helps women restore themselves in order to improve their relationships.