13 Soul-Draining Romantic Relationships You Should Avoid At All Costs
Thirteen things that feel like love but often create crisis and division in the end.
Prostock-studio | Canva Every day, I talk to people struggling to find the love they seek. And the number one reason I believe they aren’t finding love is because they stay in relationships longer than they should. They waste time they could use to find their love by staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Here are 13 types of relationships you should avoid
1. When you are love-bombed.
We all love the idea of falling in love at first sight. We are bombarded with images of people who do so and live happily ever after. I get it! I always wanted that, too.
But the reality is when you fall in love with someone at first sight, you don't fall in love with who they are. You are falling in love with how they look, first. Second, you fall in love with who they could be. You don’t truly know them, flaws and all. The person you are “in love with” you barely know! So, try to tread cautiously when you fall too fast. For some people, love at first sight is possible, but more often than not, it's just a recipe for heartbreak.
Photo via Getty
2. When you can’t be yourself.
I have a client who twists herself into a pretzel whenever she gets into a new relationship. She is a relentlessly anxious person, but the person she presents herself to be is chill. It is only to me and her friends she shares her anxiety and insecurities about the relationship. With her guy, she is cool and confident. This attitude is a relationship killer.
Not being yourself is unsustainable, and your person will fall in love with someone you aren't. When, ultimately, the true you come out, your person will be confused and will, most likely, walk away.
3. When you aren’t a priority.
It is vital for each person in a relationship to be each other's priority. Life is busy and messy. Between work, kids, friends, social media, and extended family, there are hardly enough hours in the day. Unfortunately, for many people, when it comes to what should be a priority, it’s rarely their partner. Why? Because people often take their partner for granted. Expecting they will understand and stay. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work this way.
Being a priority, not necessarily the priority, is very important in a relationship. If you find you can’t make your partner a priority because you have to take care of your kids or a sick parent, then tell them! If they understand the reason behind a behavior, they can view the situation differently.
4. When you have to justify your partner’s bad behavior.
How many times have you justified your partner’s behavior? When they don’t show up on time and don’t let you know, they must have been distracted at work. When they ghost you and tell you they have had to step back to do some reflection and tell yourself it is a good thing. When they lie about who they spend time with, you remind yourself everyone can have some secrets.
None of these justifications are okay. If you find you are justifying your partner's bad behavior not to seem needy or worry you might sabotage the relationship, recognize this is not the sign of a healthy relationship.
5. When promises aren’t kept.
This is an important one. When someone makes someone a promise, the person must follow through with their promise. Of course, a critical part is making sure each person understands what a promise means. Is it truly a promise or an idea? The answer makes sure someone isn’t disappointed, but if your partner repeatedly makes promises they don’t keep, they aren’t the one for you.
6. When you can’t communicate.
This is the number one reason people come to me for relationship help. Ironically, they often don’t realize the communication in their relationship is off. They believe it is something else. But, the reality is every relationship needs communication, two people being able to talk and listen to each other's wants and needs to keep a relationship healthy. Without communication, a relationship will die. (This is not an exaggeration. This is a hard, fast, proven reality)
Photo Andrii Iemelianenko via Shutterstock
7. When you are made to feel like less of yourself.
When we are in a relationship, it's crucial we feel good about ourselves. After all, that is what relationships are about - finding someone who complements you and helps you be the person you want to be. If your person makes you feel any less than good about yourself, this is a relationship you don’t want to be in. It’s hard enough to be a confident person in this world. So, if the person who says they love you makes you feel bad about yourself, it is not OK.
8. When you are doing all the heavy lifting.
I have a client who will do anything, anytime for her boyfriend. She shops for his clothes, does his laundry, shops for Christmas presents for his family, and plans their vacations. And, while this is okay in a relationship, the problem with hers is she does it all, and he does nothing. And this is not okay.
Of course, many women don’t make room for their partners to do things. They just go ahead and do the things themselves and feel resentful. This makes the relationship ripe for a blowout. So, if you are doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship, ask yourself why. If it's any reason other than the fact you fill the void in your relationship, it's time to let go.
9. When your partner is married.
This one should go without saying, but I am going to say it. Getting involved with a married man will be a dead end for you, relationship-wise. A married man might truly believe he loves you, and he will leave his wife for you, but the reality is he won't.
Why? Because leaving his wife means leaving his family, messing up their finances, and losing face with his kids and community. No man is going to do that. I have never seen a married man leave his wife. Just remember this as you consider entering into an affair.
10. When there is a conflict with their family.
From almost day one of my marriage, there was a conflict between my husband and me and his family. They were just so different from me, and I struggled with fitting in. He didn’t know how to navigate it all, and so he didn’t. Over the years, this conflict only got worse until it finally killed our marriage.
I know everyone believes love can overcome everything, but family dynamics are a challenging thing. Your partner has been a part of their family much longer than they have known you. Who might they unwittingly put first?
11. When there is substance abuse.
Being in a relationship with someone who is abusing substances is only a dead-end relationship. Not only is a substance abuser emotionally unavailable, but the abuse will only affect every aspect of their lives, something that will make your life very unstable. If both of you are abusing substances, then it’s even worse.
The opportunity for conflict and abuse is significantly higher than with sober people because the muzzle comes off when someone is in an altered state. This can only lead to intense negative emotions that will spell doom for the relationship.
12. When there is emotional/physical abuse or over-use.
Many people who are in abusive relationships don’t see it. Because the abuse has been happening for so long, they come to see it’s the norm, and they brush it off, no matter how much it pains them. Why do they do this? Because they don’t want to lose the relationship and end up alone. If you know deep down how you are being treated isn’t okay, or if your friends and family are telling you so, this relationship is something you want to get out of ASAP.
13. When your gut is telling you it’s not right.
Every single person I know who has escaped from a relationship that isn’t good for them tells me their gut had told them long ago, maybe even in the beginning, that the relationship was never going to work. And almost every one of them ignored their gut.
One of the problems in relationships is our brain is often in charge. The brain makes us want to justify behavior or stay in a relationship because we are afraid of being alone, so we believe our brain and stay. Our gut doesn’t lie to us. It’s our body warning you something is not right. It’s a survival mechanism we often ignore. Don’t ignore yours. Listen to your gut and follow what it says.
No one wants to let go of a relationship.
After all, lots of time and effort has been spent in this relationship, and breaking up would mean all that time would be wasted. Breaking up means being alone again and having to date. You might even believe you will never love or be loved again, so you stay.
What I can tell you is the longer you stay in a relationship that isn’t working, the more time you will waste finding the love you want and the happily ever after you have always sought!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.