The Tool Used By Manipulative Men To Make Women To Feel 'Addicted' To Them
How to stop going back to the people and patterns that hurt us.
G-Stock Studio via Shutterstock | Geralt via Pixabay & NotjungCg via Canva Have you ever found yourself utterly captivated by someone, but you couldn't quite figure out why? This feeling becomes even more troubling when you're drawn to someone who may be showing a few low-key red flags that they aren't all that healthy. For some reason, you find you can't walk all the way away from them.
According to dating coach Sabrina Zohar, it's likely that these manipulative men (and sometimes women, too!) are using a specific tool to keep you feeling unsteady, perpetually stuck in a state of anticipation.
And in the Open Relationships: Transforming Together podcast, Zohar told host Andrea Miller that these manipulative men utilize a psychological technique similar to that of casinos in order to hook you and keep you "playing".
How manipulative men use casino psychology to make women feel 'addicted' to them
Don't underestimate the power of crumb feeding — it has more of an impact than you think. When a manipulative person wants your devotion, they give you just a little bit of attention at irregular intervals. Yes, just like a slot machine in a casino where you "win" just enough to keep you playing. With guys like this, the "win" is their attention, often full of compliments and confidences.
Zohar knows because she's been there. She admits that it was hard to leave the man who treated her this way.
"Instead of loving myself enough to say, this doesn't work for me, I'm going to walk away' ... I started to just believe anything guys would say," she admitted.
In this state, even receiving a simple 'good morning' text had her hooked. It made her feel special even if the guy clearly wasn't putting in any other effort toward building a connection.
Zohar shares that, with her ex, the more hot and cold he was, the greater impact his manipulation had. Zohar admits that she found herself thinking, "Is he going to show up tonight? Is he going to follow through on our plans?"
It wasn't her fault that her ex chose to treat her like this. But once she finally got free from him, she took back her power by controlling the factors that were within her control. She realized that she had a pattern of inviting men like this into her life
She learned to ask herself, "'Am I being a better buyer?' ... [Because] I consistently had those experiences." She looked deeper and found, "'Oh no, that's familiar for me. That's reminiscent of my dad'."
Why we return to people and patterns that hurt us
We must understand that the human brain loves shortcuts. It loves patterns and it loves what's familiar — even when what's most familiar is a deeply unhealthy relationship pattern.
That's why, if you meet a healthy and balanced person after a lifetime of dysfunction, you may not even notice them. You may find them boring or simply not all that special. That's because the brain doesn't know what to expect it reverts back to what it knows best — which is the familiar toxic men you've grown accustomed to.
You see, the brain isn't designed to help us grow or develop as people. No, the brain has only one purpose, and that is to keep us safe. To steer us away from danger. Of course, it doesn't always work this way.
Once we understand these more reflexive patterns, we can break them.
As Zohar puts it, chasing a spark will often have you chasing wildfire all the way to your demise. And you deserve better!
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.