To Men Who Love Women Over 35: Why We Flinch When You Touch Us
We walked the world utterly unprotected, our bodies public property. And we were just kids.
Valerii Honcharuk | Canva This is a message to men in relationships with women — particularly if you're with a woman over the age of 35. There's something you need to know about your girl. Women our age — Gen X and older millennials — grew up in a time when girls were almost entirely unprotected from men and boys.
In a major study by the University of Suffolk, some women reported being as young as 5 when they first experienced sexual harassment. We grew up with a distinct sense that our bodies were public property.
If we were lucky enough to make it to fifth grade unharmed, we quickly learned that bodily autonomy was a myth the first day we wore a bra to school, when boys ran their hands down our backs, looking for a strap. Then they were grabbed, pulled, and snapped back — hard.
This was a big joke when I was little. Teachers didn't care, parents didn't care, boy and bully/mean girls did it.
Go get a rubber band, put it around your wrist, pull it away 6 inches, then snap it back. That's what that is like — except also with humiliation. Wearing and needing a bra, was enough to justify the act of grabbing your new training bra and using it to physically harm you — something you are already probably shy about.
You did this. You grew that body. You asked for it. So what would happen if you fought back? What would happen if you turned around and said "Don't touch me!", shoved the boy, or told a teacher? It would get worse. These boys love a reaction.
As we got older, walking through a school hallway likely meant your butt was grabbed, poked, or slapped a few times every day. If you spoke up, shoved the boy back, or got mad, it would get worse. Then you were called horrible names. And nobody did a thing about it.
Generation X and older millennial girls walked through the world utterly unprotected.
Worse, blamed for our own pain. Of course, there are racialized dynamics at play that changed the power balance — generally, a white girl would be protected if a boy of color was the one harassing her.
"Why can't you just be cool?" was a big thing I heard in high school when I shoved boys off me or yelled back at them. "Why you gotta be such a tease?" "You're no fun"
Standret / Shutterstock
Men, husbands, boyfriends: your wives probably felt like prey in a hunting ground.
They probably have ways they don't like to be touched or times they don't like to be touched or approached. They may feel a mix of love and shame when you look at them with lust or desire. Especially when they aren't in that head space.
I know it's hard for husbands of women my age to be rejected — they want to be romantic, and loving. They want to sneak up behind us and wrap their arms around our waists. They want to treat us how they wish they could be treated — with lust and desire, an animalistic need at the forefront.
But for a lot of us, that doesn't feel safe. Remember, we were almost entirely unprotected and our bodies were often viewed as public property. But we are still intimate beings — so we may reach out to you and initiate. We may have been desirous and lusty early in the relationship, but why does that go away?
Probably because we get out of that "lusty" mindset —especially as moms —and your out-of-nowhere advances remind us of the idea that our body is public property (at least in this house, or in this bed).
Husbands, have you noticed that your wife has phrases, even casually uttered ones, that you use during your arguments that set her off in ways you never expect? Have you considered that this might be from unresolved trauma? The trauma she may not even realize she has? (1 in 3 women will experience some kind of form of sexual assault in their lifetime, the National Sexual Violence Resource Center reports.)
You probably unknowingly use the same turns of phrase as those boys who made her feel unsafe.
You may get a tone in your voice that reminds her of the boys who made her feel unsafe. Does your wife feel controlling, always negative, or overly critical? You probably say "Why can't you just have fun?" "Why can't you just be cool?" "You're no fun anymore" Sound familiar?
If you hear this dynamic erupt in your conversations, remember this: She may have tried to be cool. She probably tried to be fun. And she likely learned that it made no difference. Those phrases likely remind her of that powerlessness. Can you blame her for being angry?
Sexual abuse is very common. RAINN reports that every 68 seconds, an American is a victim of sexual violence. Females are far more likely to be abused and assaulted, and 90% of victims who are adults are women. This is especially prevalent among women who also happen to be college students, which makes their risk three times greater. Anyone affected by sexual assault can find support on the National Sexual Assault Hotline, a safe, confidential service. Contact The Hotline or call 800-656-HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member.
Joanna Schroeder is a parenting writer, editor, and media critic with bylines in The New York Times, The Boston Globe, Esquire, and more. Her forthcoming book Talk To Your Boys: 20 Crucial Conversations To Have With Your Tween & Teenage Sons will be available in 2025 via Workman Publishing.