5 Tiny Things To Do When You Haven't Cheated Yet (But Really Want To)
Are you in love with your partner if you're having thoughts about cheating?
kate_sept2004 | Canva You've thought about it ... (in fact, you think about it a lot). Maybe someone at work caught your eye (or someone around town). You love the way that attractive person makes you feel ... all tingly just from a smile in your direction or a light touch on your shoulder. Yes, you love your partner, and you don’t want to cheat. But, you're also dying to know what it would feel like to be intimate with someone else.
It’s okay to have these thoughts. We're all intimate beings, and fighting against our feelings is simply fighting against the very essence of who you are. The more you resist any thought of cheating, the more pain those thoughts and feelings will cause you. But if the idea of cheating slips into your mind more often than you'd like, what should you do? Should you act on it? Here are five ways to handle your desire.
Here are 5 tiny things to do when you haven't cheated yet (but really want to):
1. Don't shame your thoughts or feelings
Believe it or not, the first step in dealing with those cheating thoughts is being kind to yourself. You may not like what you’re feeling for someone else besides your partner, but it is what is. You can accept those thoughts without acting upon them.
2. Be clear about how you (and your partner) define "cheating"
It may seem obvious to you what cheating is, but you and your partner may have different definitions. If you haven’t discussed this with your partner, you might be surprised at their definition. For instance, a recent study published by a team from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology and the University of Texas shows that women feel more jealous of emotional cheating, and men feel more jealous of physical cheating. That cute guy at work, whom you consider an emotional friend, texted you something, sending you into emotional turmoil. But your man might not care. He might think it’s desirable to know another man wants his woman. You think you’re cheating, but he may not.
3. Allow your cheating thoughts to help your relationship
It’s easy to see how thoughts of cheating can lead to infidelity or how those thoughts might separate you from your partner. But, there are always two ways of looking at any situation. Maybe your lusty feelings for someone else serve as an indicator that the spark went out in your relationship with your partner. Your day-to-day living doesn't include enough room for intimate desires.
Ask yourself what the person you're thinking about cheating with gives you that your partner does not. Do you crave more attention, appreciation, and TLC? In this case, the person you're lusting after is simply a reflection of what you and your partner used to share (that you miss and now want back again). If you come from love (not blame) and express what having that again would do for you (and how it would benefit your partner), you'll reap the benefits of open communication. For example, a kiss before work makes me feel loved. And when I feel loved, I naturally tell you how great you are more often, which excites you.
4. Allow your relationship to either shift ... or end
If you stay true to yourself and your needs, and your partner does the same, follow that flow of honesty downstream. Fighting against the current exhausts you both and causes a great deal of angst. Many times we’re not honest about our wants and needs at the beginning of a relationship because we’re afraid we’ll lose our partner. But, it’s never too late to start honest communication. If you want another partner — if that's what truly brings you joy and makes you thrive, tell your partner. Your partner may want to join in or might agree to a don’t-ask-don’t tell policy.
The decision on this matter (you having other partners) should align for both of you. If one of you feels like you’re conceding to the other, resentment ensues. Anthropologically speaking, there are plenty of reasons why having multiple partners makes sense and is not considered cheating. There are also plenty of reasons why monogamy makes sense. The choice must be sent for both of you (and be a true choice fully consented to by both parties). If your needs don’t match up with your partner’s, then maybe the relationship has run its course. There’s no blame. Neither of you is right or wrong if you remain open and honest. But perhaps it's time to take what you've learned from this relationship and move on to an even greater one.
5. Don’t fake it
In an interview with Howard Stern, Lady Gaga said that her song, "Poker Face" was about trying to hide her true feelings when she was with a particular man, and all she could ever think about was other women. It takes a lot of energy and stress to keep a poker face on in your relationship. You must honestly acknowledge to yourself (and to your partner) what turns you on and makes you feel loved and happy. To deny yourself pleasure is to deny what makes you human.
So, take heart if you’re having these thoughts about someone else. It doesn't mean you're a bad person (or that you even truly want to cheat). Pause, and think about why you want to cheat and share that desire with your partner. You don’t have to say who the person you're thinking of cheating with, but you can share what you feel is missing in your relationship with your partner. That way you're neither betraying your partner, nor yourself.
Stacy Ison is an author, speaker, and certified life coach, helping her clients explore who they would be if they lived a life of untamed peace.