6 Tiny Warning Signs You're In A Seriously Abusive Relationship
Someone can be abused and not even know.
MART PRODUCTION | Canva Once in a while, most of us get handled in a non-respectful way, and it would be irresponsible to break up after every conflict. On the other hand, the unfair but usual maneuver of an abusive partner who makes the victim believe that she or he is responsible for the bad turns of events is completely unacceptable. In addition, most of the time, the really dirty part of the mistreatment happens in disguise; hidden before the superficial observation. Although mostly unrecognized by the suffering participants, there are six characteristic features of an abusive relationship — whether physical, verbal, or emotional abuse.
Here are 6 tiny warning signs you're in a seriously abusive relationship:
1. Low self-esteem and self-blame
If you have low self-esteem and you are not confident enough in your thinking, you are partially to blame for the wrong turn in the relationship. It might not have originated from you, but it can be the effect of the regular undermining tactics: labeling, judging, put-downs, and constant critique. You might even adopt your partner's opinion: "You have to be fixed."
2. Confusion, frustration, anger, helplessness, and hopelessness
You are confused about what is happening. You are hurt from the put-downs. You are angry because of the unfair treatment you're getting. You are embarrassed about the relationship; partly because you think it's your failure and partly because you put up with your partner's behavior. Most of all, you feel hopeless, helpless, and entrapped in the relationship, not knowing why it's happening and what you should do about it.
3. Imbalance in power and control
If you listen to the actions instead of the words, you see that you give way more into the relationship than your partner, while she/he is the one who sets the rules. There is a definite imbalance in the power and control.
4. Responsibility shift
There is a very strange sense of responsibility: you are responsible for everything, including the relationship and your partner's feelings, while your partner has no responsibilities whatsoever.
5. Manipulative emotion — induction
Your actions are driven by guilt, shame, and anxiety. If you don't do certain tasks in a specific manner, you are deemed inadequate. Generally, your partner makes you feel "not good enough." This is why you have to accomplish more, more, and then some more to compensate for your "failures." No matter the ongoing efforts, you're never good enough for your partner. This is the way she/he gets you to do what she/he wants.
6. Your rights and interests are not considered
It might be hazy to detect at first because, on the surface, there is usually a pretense set: "You're the love of my life," or "I make it because I want to help you!" But if you look into the real happenings, you will see how much it is against your will, interests, and rights. If you recognize yourself in this picture, don't be scared: you've made the first step. The essence of overriding manipulation is getting a clear picture of what is truly happening. If you think you can change your manipulator, I have to disappoint you: you can't. But if you learn to react differently to the manipulation, you can change the process itself. Warning: If you have a physically abusive partner, don't experiment ... seek physical security immediately!
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Zita Fekete is a psychotherapist who helps over-accommodating women stick up for their needs and wants to create balanced relationships with their partners.