11 Things Unhappy Wives Regret Saying 'Yes' To In Their Marriages
Sacrificing your personal needs and identity will never cultivate a healthier relationship.
Olena Yakobchuk | Shutterstock Many women who are unhappy in their marriages don't feel emotionally supported by their partners. Despite making sacrifices, and showing up for their partner's needs, they feel consistently unvalued in their relationship, making sacrifices that only end up hurting their personal interests, alone time, and sense of self and identity. According to psychotherapist Tonya Lester, many of the things unhappy wives regret saying "yes" to in their marriages are fueled by feeling unseen by their partners.
Despite taking on the majority of the mental and emotional workload in their marriages, these women don't feel appreciated or seen for doing it; instead, they're met with an unsettling lack of empathy and emotional intelligence from their male partners. In order to combat the resentment associated with the divide in a marriage, healthy communication, trust and commitment are necessary. Both partners need to get comfortable being uncomfortable, so they can have the hard discussion about what's working and what needs to change in their relationship.
Here are 11 things unhappy wives regret saying 'yes' to in their marriages
1. Sacrificing their careers
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Considering many families are forced to make career sacrifices in today's economy to offset the costs of childcare, transportation, or quality time in a relationship, it's not surprising that many marriages have resorted to traditional expectations, where women put their career aspirations on the back burner.
While these gendered expectations and stereotypes aren't always inherently negative, they're certainly one of the things unhappy wives regret saying "yes" to in their marriages, as they consider separation or prioritizing themselves again.
Not only can this lack of professional experience keep divorced women at a disadvantage if they decide to end their marriage, the lack of identity and personal growth associated with a career is impossible to ignore.
Marriages are all about compromise, but even for a woman who's sacrificed her career for her family or relationship, it's important to find ways to prioritize personal time, hobbies, and their identity.
2. Having kids before they were ready
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Having kids before you've fully considered the emotional, physical, and financial implications of childbirth and raising a child can put an incredible strain on an already tumultuous relationship.
As one of the things unhappy wives regret saying "yes" to in their marriages, having children before they're able to fully consider their lifestyle, personal needs, and future plans often encourages women to fully give up their identity outside of motherhood and family life.
Especially considering many mothers experience depression, anxiety, and other mental health struggles after giving birth, according to the American Hospital Association, it's important that they're fully aware of and ready to make this decision before they jump in headfirst.
Unlike men, women are forced to sacrifice their physical well-being in addition to their emotions when they decide to have a child, so it's important that their partners are ready to step up to support them in this uncomfortable and scary transition.
3. Taking on emotional burdens
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Research, like a study from the Journal of Sociology, argues that men often get a "better deal" out of their marriages than their wives do. Not only are women more likely to take on the majority of household responsibilities, in addition to their professional workloads, they also lead the pack emotionally and mentally.
From setting up productive conversations, to teaching their partners elements of emotional intelligence, and finding ways to express emotions, boundaries and needs, it's often women who take on the burden of emotional work and connection.
While it's possible that these emotional responsibilities will be equally or equitably shared over time in a marriage, many women grow resentful for having to carry this burden for their partners. Not only is it emotionally and mentally taxing, it can lead to a strange dynamic in a marriage where wives are acting as caregivers, rather than partners.
4. Ending an argument before it was resolved
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Many women subconsciously adopt people-pleasing tendencies in their marriages to keep the peace at home, especially considering they're often responsible for navigating and promoting emotional intelligence and healthy communication in the aftermath of a conflict or argument.
Even when they don't feel understood and heard in a conversation or their needs aren't met, they may simply end a conversation or say that they're "fine" to avoid having to beg for empathy or productive communication.
While it often happens subtly, sparking resentment over time, it quickly becomes one of the common things unhappy wives regret saying "yes" to in their marriages and consistently tolerating.
5. Taking on more household work
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Considering women tend to inherently adopt more household and childcare responsibilities, according to Pew Research Center, despite working and earning the same, if not more, money than their male partners, it's not surprising that many grow silently resentful for saying "yes" to an unequal or inequitable balance at home.
Even if they're comfortable with traditional gender roles where women tend to take on more household labor, the mental toll this responsibility can take on women working full-time jobs or sacrificing their personal time is difficult to ignore.
Considering their male partners are more likely to have free-time for hobbies after work or investing in other relationships, many women taking on this household work are also forced to sacrifice pieces of their identity like their personal interests and alone time.
6. Financial decisions they weren't comfortable with
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While traditional relationship values often place women in an inferior position when it comes to financial status and decisions, it's important that both partners in a marriage have a say in how their money is managed.
Even if one partner is making more money than the other, when you enter a marriage, it's an agreement to share your life with that person — even when it comes to money and feeling comfortable planning for the future.
It can be incredibly difficult and uncomfortable to set boundaries around money, even in a long-term relationship or marriage, but the key to maintaining healthy financial balance with your partner is healthy communication. Lead with compassion, clarity, and trust, but don't forget to also advocate for what you need, even if it's combating impulsivity with more conversations and check-ins.
According to experts from Headspace, these conversations around money should happen often, giving both partners a chance to express their opinions and needs in a comfortable and safe space.
7. Moving away from family and friends
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While experts like clinical psychologist Lori Lawrenz argue that it's important to harbor "friendship love" in a marriage, it's equally important to have relationships with friends and family outside of your marriage to lean on for support, communication, and personal growth.
Separating themselves from these relationships, despite being unsure about the decision, is one of the things unhappy wives regret saying "yes" to in their marriages.
Not only do they often lose that safe space to unpack emotions and vent about their partner when they're going through a rough patch, women who move away from their inner circle of friends and family often lose a piece of themselves and their identity, contributing to a sense of loneliness that can put an added strain on their already unhappy marriage.
8. Ignoring their partner's red flags
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Even when they're unhappy, many partners tend to overlook red flags or poor behavior in their marriages to keep up with an illusion that they're in a happy healthy relationship, according to psychology professor Lawrence Josephs.
From being interrupted in conversation, to being blamed for their partner's shortcomings, and even noticing an unsettling energy at home from time to time, ignoring these red flags are some of the things unhappy wives regret saying "yes" to in their marriages and tolerating at all.
Not only do these small and subtle red flags typically manifest into larger issues down the road, they can spark feelings of resentment between partners as they navigate their daily lives, work, and stress.
Growing disconnected from each other without healthy communication, these red flags become more and more noticeable and impossible to ignore over time, sparking more unproductive arguments and disagreements.
9. Letting their in-laws overstep boundaries
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Navigating relationships with a partner's in-laws can be incredibly uncomfortable and difficult, but finding a healthy balance can ensure everyone feels heard, valued, and loved.
According to couples therapist LuAnn Oliver, "in some family systems, an in-law is warmly welcomed as somewhat of an equal family member. In other systems, the in-law might be in more of a secondary role to the original family member. Neither is right or wrong, but it helps to have some awareness."
When an unhappy wife simply tolerates her in-law's behavior, which she's aware is toxic to her marriage and well-being, it not only sparks resentment but further division between partners.
The relationships we nurture with our friends and family are incredibly important to prioritize, but married couples should be working on the same team to find a healthy balance to ensure that nobody is being left out or disrespected in the process.
10. Pushing off their own goals
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A study from the University of Liverpool found that many partners — both men and women — experience a loss of identity when they enter into a marriage, especially when they're not intentionally about prioritizing alone time, hobbies, and personal interests.
An unhappy wife, who already isn't getting her needs met, will likely regret saying "yes" to putting her own career, interests, and goals to the side, letting her marriage become all-encompassing.
Not only can it be disorienting and disillusioning when the marriage is going through a rough patch — the one thing that you've linked your identity to going poorly completely sabotages your wellbeing and comfort — it's anxiety-inducing to consider separation or divorce when you have no idea who you are anymore.
11. Accepting toxic behavior and communication styles
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According to clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, many of the signs you're in an unhappy or toxic marriage are subtle and unsuspecting, popping up over time in response to lingering resentment, a lack of trust, or unhealthy communication.
While an unhappy wife may consistently let her husband overstep her boundaries or treat her poorly, she may not even recognize that she's falling short on advocating for her own needs until it's become a much larger issue.
While accepting this toxic behavior is technically one of the things unhappy wives regret saying "yes" to in their marriages, they may not need to actually verbalize it to tolerate it — it's as simple as shutting down an unresolved argument or falling short on expressing their true feelings and emotions.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.