11 Things That Make Women Vulnerable To Falling For A Married Man
Demonizing mistresses doesn't help solve the problem of cheating.
wundervisuals, PeopleImages | Canva I know women are often demonized for having an affair with a married man — probably more than they deserve. I don’t believe any woman going into an affair does so on purpose — as if she sees a man and sets her mind to seducing him away from his wife.
What I believe is women have vulnerabilities that can make them more likely to enter an affair. If we identify those vulnerabilities, we might have the opportunity to address the vulnerabilities before a potential affair raises its ugly head.
Here are 11 things that make women vulnerable to falling for a married man.
1. Father wounds.
Many women who get involved with a married man have been abandoned, emotionally or physically, abandoned by their fathers. For women, their first formative male relationship is with their father. If their father isn’t actively involved in their lives, it can affect every relationship they have with any man.
My father wasn’t around much when I was a teenager when I was figuring out how to be in a relationship, and because of that, I have struggled for years with healthy relationships. So, if you are one of those people who have a big hole in your heart left from your father’s absence, don’t try to fill it with a married man. I can promise you, it won’t work!
2. Commitment issues.
I know the legend has it that only men have commitment issues, but many women do as well. Perhaps they have been deeply hurt before and don’t want to be again. Perhaps, they are afraid of abandonment such as their father did to them. Perhaps, they don’t want to give up their independence. The reasons a woman might have commitment issues are many.
Why are women who have commitment issues vulnerable to affairs with married men? Because, with a married man, you don’t have to commit. With a married man, you get to have fun times and intimacy when you want it and then go back to your regular life. Do you have commitment issues? If yes, consider if that’s why you are considering this affair and how it relates to those issues, and perhaps addressing those commitment issues instead of ignoring them would be a good idea.
3. Caregiving.
Are you one of those people who is a caregiver, particularly when it comes to men? If yes, you are 100% vulnerable to having an affair with a married man. Why? Because married men who enter into an affair are damaged. It is one of the primary reasons they seek the comfort of an affair to heal them. And, if someone is a caregiver, nothing is more attractive than a man who needs to be fixed.
I know when I was having my affair, I would look at this man and see everything I could do to fix him, and I was sure if I just loved him enough, I would succeed. Unfortunately, our affair was only a band-aid for his issues. When he was with me, he felt loved and whole, he said, but really, his issues never went away, no matter how long I stuck around or how much I loved him. So, are you a caregiver? Does the idea of fixing a damaged man appeal? If yes, you are very vulnerable to getting involved with a married man.
4. Loneliness.
This is probably the most obvious reason. If you are lonely, you are vulnerable to any kind of bad relationship, including an affair. For many women, they are exhausted from dating apps and stupid meetings with men who aren’t right. When a man appears in their life to whom they are emotionally and physically attracted, they feel like their ship has come in. But it hasn’t. Their ship is only making a temporary stop. Don’t use loneliness as an excuse to get involved with someone you shouldn’t get involved with - and don’t use it as an excuse to stay when you know you shouldn’t!
5. Your parents did it.
We all believe we can break away from the patterns our parents taught us. After all, we are younger and wiser, correct? Nope. Both of my parents had affairs. and they were affairs that played all through my childhood and adolescent years. My siblings and I were lied to and deceived, and we had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like. So, what happened? I got involved with a married man. I knew I was repeating history, but I couldn’t stop it from happening (or I could but didn’t fight it hard enough!) Did your parents cheat? If yes, try to break the generational trauma and get away from your married man.
6. Magical thinking.
I know, I know. You believe this man is your soulmate. After all, you connect in every way. I am guessing your affair only started after months of emotional connection, where you could be honest and vulnerable with each other and were amazed the person thought the same way you did. Unfortunately, this person is not your soul mate. This person is just another broken soul who you connect with. And you are no different from every other woman having an affair with a married man who believes meeting this man was meant to be and it is a love like no other. Nope. I am afraid it’s just another affair that will end in disaster!
Photo: Quality Stock Arts via Shutterstock
7. Ancient history.
When I got involved with a married man, he was someone I had been in love with in college. The feelings weren’t reciprocated, and he was one of those men who I always wondered about. When he reappeared and wanted to love me, I was over the moon. Everything I felt for him back in the day came rushing back. I believed we were meant to be after all of these years.
Unfortunately, in this time of ubiquitous social media, it happens way too often. People reconnect with an old love, and it takes them back to their younger days when the future was bright and love was easy. So, don’t be fooled into thinking a past (married) love is the right person for you. They aren’t! (Bummer, I know!)
8. An unhappy marriage.
This is the most common reason people get involved with married men. They are in an unhappy marriage. I always say people who have affairs are trying to fill a hole in their lives. Some piece of their marriage is missing and it’s easier to try to fix it with someone new than try to address the issue at home. And, to make things even worse, when someone’s emotional or physical needs are being addressed elsewhere, the notion of working on a marriage disappears, so marital issues don’t ever get addressed.
9. Money.
For many women, getting involved with a married man can mean being wined, dined, and treated to fancy hotels in faraway places. And this is appealing, especially for someone who can’t afford to do this on their own. This one is pretty straightforward so I won't dig into it anymore.
10. Addictive tendencies.
Women who enter into affairs often do so because they have addictive tendencies. Affairs, I am afraid to say, are addictive. Once you get a taste of love and lust, of feeling wanted and needed, the thrill of being in a bubble, and hope for the future, it’s hard to let go of.
I always tell my clients the grip they have on feeling young and alive again is the hardest to let go of, other than their married man. They are afraid if they walk away, they will go back to their old boring self. It doesn’t have to be this way, I tell them. Look at this affair as a wake-up call and go out and get the life you want…after you break up with your married guy.
Photo: Jose Calsina via Shutterstock
11. Low self-esteem.
Women who get into affairs with married men often have very low self-esteem. Perhaps they have been beaten up by past relationships. Perhaps, they aren’t happy with their job or their life. Perhaps, they have issues from childhood they haven’t yet resolved. There are many reasons someone might have low self-esteem. And, whatever the reason, it probably leads them to do lots of not-so-great things! Is this you? If yes, it’s time to get some help so you can overcome these feelings and get the life you want.
If you are involved with a married person, you probably feel desperate to figure out how to get out of it. Or, maybe you are on the edge of getting into one and wondering if it's a great idea. Either way, take a good look at yourself and see if any of these things resonate with you. Understanding them might enable you to make healthy next steps to get the life you want!
You can do it!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.