11 Subtle Ways Many Husbands Abandon Their Wives Without Realizing It
Every relationship goes through its own unique struggles, but you have to be present in order to get through them.
fizkes / Shutterstock While societal expectations and misguided perceptions of perfect relationships online put pressure on many, the truth is that marriage is messy, sometimes chaotic, and a lot of work. Both partners need to be intentional and committed when it comes to maintaining the foundation of their connection through mutual respect, trust, and open communication. However, there are subtle ways many husbands abandon their wives without realizing it that threaten even the best relationships.
People who otherwise truly love one another can quickly grow resentful under the weight of emotional disconnect. By recognizing these small signs and working towards a more balanced center in your marriage, you can find peace, even during times of stress or conflict.
Here are 11 subtle ways many husbands abandon their wives without realizing it
1. They don’t do their part with household responsibilities
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Despite earning similar incomes and working aligned hours, many women in marriages tend to take on more household responsibilities and parenting burdens than their husbands, according to a study from Pew Research Center.
While in some relationships, a misaligned balance where partners take on differing shares of responsibilities — in both directions — can be healthy, husbands who become disengaged, don’t fulfill their commitments, or expect their partner to essentially pick up after them aren’t safeguarding the trust and mutual respect necessary in a healthy relationship.
2. They don’t actively listen
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Open communication, despite seeming like an overused phrase in the relationship and wellness space, truly is the key to unlocking a more balanced and healthy connection, especially in a long-term partnership or marriage.
Whether it’s emotional expressions, vulnerable discussions, or an argument, couples feel more safe and secure when each partner has the ability to express their emotions and actively listen to the other.
Without this basic foundation, wives can feel abandoned by their husbands, feeling pressure to initiate conversations or express their needs, knowing they may be met with unnecessary criticism.
3. They withhold intimacy
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There are multiple reasons someone may not want to be physically intimate — from stress to feelings of emotional invalidation to physical issues — so this sign should be taken carefully when considering the subtle ways many husbands abandon their wives without realizing it.
Considering that studies show that women value supportiveness more than physical intimacy, whereas men consider nonverbal affection the most important, it’s not entirely surprising that a lack of physical intimacy would make a woman feel abandoned and wary of what is going on with her husband.
Figure out ways to bring intimacy back into your relationship, starting with emotional connection and conversation. While it might feel uncomfortable at first, the physical is more likely to manifest again once both partners feel secure, safe, valued, and respected.
4. They stop prioritizing the little things
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Despite falling in love with an engaged and attentive partner who may have left little notes around, expressed affection often, and prioritized making you feel heard with intentional words of affirmation, many wives feel emotionally abandoned by their husbands when they stop doing those little things later in life.
Not only do they feel less worthy of their husband’s attention, when they take less initiative in expressing their love, they grow resentful of having to ask for physical affection or reassurance.
From forgetting to ask about their wife’s day to responding to her vulnerability dismissively, the subtle ways husbands abandon their wives without realizing it can be subtle, but over time, they manifest into much larger issues if left unaddressed.
5. They stop meeting their wife’s needs
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Whether it’s picking a movie they know their wife won't enjoy, not helping with chores, or dozing off during shared time together, many husbands forget to prioritize their wife’s needs to the same degree they might have earlier in their relationship.
It’s necessary for both partners to feel heard, valued, and understood in their relationship, as shown by a study published in the Plos One journal, but those feelings aren’t just a byproduct of healthy conversation — they develop through the experience of subtle acts of kindness,words of affirmation, and other affectionate behaviors.
Of course, it’s important for a husband to also consider his own needs, like finding time for himself and meeting personal goals, but in a marriage, your partner’s needs should feel equally important and prioritized.
6. They don’t spend quality time together
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Spending quality time and having shared experiences in a relationship is fundamental to evolving in a marriage together, even when things get tough. Whether it’s a planned date night or couch time at the end of a long day, setting aside intentional time to communicate and spend time together is instrumental for a couple’s ability to feel heard and valued.
According to a report from the Marriage Foundation, married couples who go on planned date nights together tend to have higher satisfaction and happiness in their relationships than those who don’t. Especially when they’re encouraged to get out of their comfort zone or try something new together, married couples can create excitement and new experiences in their lives without sacrificing their comfort and love.
When a relationship grows stagnant or partners get too comfortable in their marriages, they may misguidedly prioritize other relationships like friendships — going out with them, making plans outside the home — rather than finding a healthy balance with their wives.
Not only does this make their wives feel like they’re not worthy of quality time, it can lead to resentment that’s detrimental to communication and trust in a marriage.
7. They don’t contribute to healthy arguments or conflict
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Rather than falling into the habit of embracing healthy and open communication, leveraging the power of vulnerability and even scheduled discussions with their partners, many husbands fear conflict and respond to arguments with hostility.
Considering many men feel pressured to restrict and suppress their emotions to meet societal expectations, as psychotherapist Avrum Weiss suggests, they can turn defensive and irritable when faced with vulnerability.
Much of the time, they may emotionally withdraw from these conversations, but at a certain point, it’s impossible for them to avoid their uncomfortable emotions, sparking fear and driving their angry and frustrating outbursts.
To protect the health of a marriage, it’s important to be able to have healthy conversations and conflicts without emotional outbursts and anger — that starts with accepting vulnerability and expressing emotions in a way that’s comfortable for everyone.
8. They act generally indifferent and dismissive
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Many women already feel burdened to take on the majority of household responsibilities, including organizing and planning for their families, caring for their children, and cleaning a shared home. Despite being in a partnership, which should be a source of support, acting indifferent and submissive is one of the subtle ways many husbands abandon their wives without realizing it — causing them to develop resentment.
When their husbands are indifferent and dismissive throughout the day, leaving their wives to make all the decisions and lead their relationship alone, wives can grow increasingly lonely, despite being feet away from their life partner.
A healthy marriage is constantly evolving, with both partners willing to shift their workloads and daily behaviors to best support the other person's needs and struggles. Taking a disengaged approach in a relationship never promotes the trust, understanding, and basic empathy necessary for everyone to feel loved.
9. They treat their wife like a roommate
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Psychologist Silvana Mici notes that it’s natural for married couples to go through a “roommate phase” as they acclimate to joining their lives and living together, however a sustained feeling of being roommates rather than romantic life partners can feel uncomfortable for everyone involved.
From transactionally assigning household chores to lacking physical intimacy, being treated like a roommate can cause a married partner to view their marriage as a burden. Husbands may grow irritable about little things or stop imagining a future with their wife when they view their partner as a roommate, spending more time outside the home and less time prioritizing their relationship.
It's possible to get back to a healthier place by prioritizing healthy conversations and boundaries — even if it’s with a scheduled check-in every day.
10. They spend too much time working
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While many of us go through stages of stressful chaos at work, having to work long hours and commit more time to our careers, a partner who consistently prioritizes their work responsibilities over their personal ones can contribute to feelings of disconnect and resentment in their relationships.
Emotional withdrawal isn’t only a typical symptom of this stress, in some marriages and relationships, it can actually be a coping mechanism. If a partner is intentionally spending more time at work or outside the home, they may be trying to retreat from vulnerability or conflict in their marriage.
Of course, the best healthy coping mechanism for disconnect and discomfort in a marriage is open communication. Although it may be difficult at first, practicing the art of emotional expression and active listening is necessary for a healthy marriage, especially when navigating a rough patch.
11. They seek affection and validation elsewhere
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When a partner feels emotionally detached from their partner in a marriage, sometimes it’s often because they’re seeking validation elsewhere, marriage counselor Melody Khloe suggests, whether that be work, their friendships, or in some cases, a different intimate relationship.
Of course, this isn’t the only explanation for disconnect in a relationship. It’s important to discuss the reasons your emotions and needs don’t feel supported by your partner so you can pave a new path forward that feels validating for everyone involved.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.