13 Subtle Signs Of Cheating So Many Long-Term Spouses Never Even Suspect
When your infidelity radar is on high alert, look for these signs.
dimaberlinphotos | Canva Discovering a partner's infidelity is easier than ever before in history. Via text messages, emails, and online credit card statements, a careless cheating spouse is likely to leave an electronic trail over a gigabyte long detailing their affair.
If you can get your hands on physical signs and evidence your spouse is cheating is the best way to bust a cheater for sure. Unfortunately, it's not always so simple.
While most people know the typical signs of cheating, there are more subtle signs you should be aware of and look for when your infidelity radar is on high alert and your partner's behavior feels off.
Here are 13 subtle signs of cheating so many long-term spouses never even suspect:
1. They carefully track their time
Optimizing precious moments with a lover is a balancing act, so they count the minutes. "It won't raise any red flags if I'm home by 6:00 pm on the dot," they rationalize. Or, "If I call every day at noon, they won't get suspicious."
They are drawing timelines in the sand, and being uncharacteristically prompt or oddly ritualized with their schedule may be one way they do it.
2. They've started using new vocabulary.
A friend of mine's suspicions grew when he heard his wife irritably yell, "Good Christ!"—an expression neither of them had ever used and one she typically would have found offensive. If your spouse spends enough time with their lover, they're sure to pick up some of their verbal expressions.
3. They've changed their typical routine.
Like clockwork, they come home every evening, have dinner, and walk the dog. But suddenly, that ritual is being messed with. They need a shower as soon as they walk in the door. Or they pour a glass of wine when that's usually something they reserve for weekends only. Something is quite possibly going on.
4. They've started to prefer driving alone.
Typically, you'd hop in the car together and be on your way. But recently, they found many reasons to have a few minutes alone — and a need to take their car to an event you'll both be attending. "I have to stop at Sephora, and I don't want to bore you!" they say repeatedly.Â
5. They've been acting more wild and carefree.
"Let's go out and get wasted tonight," they atypically and enthusiastically suggest, and you know they haven't said anything like that since they were in university. Having an affair can make people feel young and impulsive again and can spill over into other behaviors.
LightField Studios via Shutterstock
6. They're suddenly strutting their stuff for you.
What's this? A little something from Vicky's Secret just for you? Funny, they always claimed they thought lingerie was a waste of money. Their affair has reawakened their libido, and ironically, they'd like it to do the same for you.
7. They think you're clearly up to no good.
You smile at the waiter, and they go off. They know you're a friendly sort, and they always loved that about you, but recently, your innocent cordiality seems to antagonize them in ways it never did. Now that they are having an affair, they know it's not so far-fetched to think you might, too.
8. They've started checking out other people in front of you.
There's no harm in looking, right? "Did you see our cute neighbor checking you out?" they ask with a big smile. "That flight attendant is your type!" they tease, leaving you wondering what happened to their jealous streak.
No mystery. A 2016 study supports how they are on an affair-fueled, guilt-mitigating mission to casually justify their extramarital attraction.
9. They say it's no big deal when they hear of someone having an affair.
You sadly report the news that your best friend's husband is cheating. Instead of sharing your dismay, they become defensive. "Well, he hasn't been happy in that marriage," or "People have affairs. That's life." Research from 2013 supports that condemning others would mean condemning themselves, and they are not about to go there.
10. They refuse to watch movies or shows that involve stories of infidelity.
Want to cuddle up and watch movies like Fatal Attraction, Derailed, or The Affair? Forget it. Plot lines that would have formerly piqued their interest now make them visibly uncomfortable. If there's an affair involved, you won't be watching it together.
11. They're constantly nervous or on edge.
Many folks experience atypical bouts of depression and anxiety as the guilt of the affair and the stress of keeping such a huge secret take a visible toll. Symptoms may include insomnia, disinterest in eating, or an unshakeable blue mood, which can be the result of using deception, as shown in a 2015 study.
antoniodiaz
12. They've suddenly become an expert in a new topic.
"Did you know the U.S. has the highest dog population in the world?" They start spewing facts about things they have never shown interest in before. Heck, they never even liked dogs that much.
It could be that they are absorbing their lover's interests and finding a way to talk about them without saying as much.
13. They are constantly at a loss for words.
The person who always had an answer for everything now seems lost for words. Their brain is fried with the details of the lies they have told and the excuses they have made. When you innocently inquire about something simple, you can almost see the wheels turning in their head.
While they entertain possible answers, you're on the receiving end of a strange, faraway look in their eyes you've been seeing all too often lately.
Abby Rodman, LICSW, is a writer and psychotherapist. She's the author of three books, including Without This Ring: A Woman's Guide to Successfully Living Through and Beyond Midlife Divorce, and co-hosts the podcast, Sisters Cracking Up.