9 Soothing Steps To Ease The Incredible Pain Of Divorce
Learn to mourn the loss.
skynesher, pixelshot | Canva The death of a spouse and divorce can be two of the most stressful life events humans endure. If you are the person being left, divorce can feel like mourning a death. Knowing the best way to mourn the loss is essential.
Here are 9 soothing steps to ease the incredible pain of divorce:
1. Don't censor your feelings
Divorce is felt as an emotional loss and that loss has to be fully experienced. Feeling hopeless, afraid, and vulnerable are common. As well as feelings of anger, rage, and self-loathing. You might feel sure that you will not be able to survive what is about to happen. These are familiar reactions to the trauma of divorce. You must experience your feelings fully. They will run their course if you don't push them down inside you.
Remember, feeling these emotions is not the same as acting on them. It is a good idea to write down angry feelings in a letter and then put it safely away in a desk drawer. Acting out angry feelings in destructive ways is never acceptable and only brings more pain into your life.
2. See your doctor
You may need support to get you through the immediate pain, so you can continue to meet family and work responsibilities. The strong feelings you will be experiencing are draining emotionally and physically. Do not allow your health to suffer at a time when you need to be thinking clearly. Medical advice can help you find ways to sleep restfully, rather than tossing, turning, and waking up exhausted.
3. Be careful not to idealize your marriage
Divorce is a stark indication your marriage had serious problems. Watch your tendency to look back and only see the best times and only remember the good things about your former spouse. Force yourself to be more objective. Make a list of the ways your marriage and partner hurt and disappointed you.
4. Welcome the support of friends and family
Life traumas are made more tolerable by the warmth and encouragement of those who truly care about you. Do not shut them out because you are feeling self-consciously bereft. Love is the best medicine. Seek out people you can count on to ease your pain even if the relief is temporary.
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5. Don't give in to self-blame
Blaming yourself for a relationship ending is simply giving you too much power. You could not have done it alone. You are only entitled to half the responsibility. Believing you could have saved things, if you had been different in some way, is wishful thinking.
Relationships are never this simple. When you start blaming yourself or feeling guilty, ask yourself what your partner might have done differently to make the relationship work better. Again, make a list of the ways your partner did not come through for you and your marriage.
6. Don't awfulize. Deal with the present, not the future
Watch for your tendency to project all your fears, doubts, and insecurities into the future and make yourself more scared and depressed. Thoughts like "I'll never get over this," "I'll never be happy again," "I can't go on alone" and "I'll never meet anyone else," come up whenever you look ahead from a fearful and insecure state of mind. This is called awfulizing.
Awfulizing weakens you. When these thoughts come up let them pass through you like a cold chill. Do not dwell on or cling to them. Get busy in the present moment doing something that needs to be done for yourself or another person who needs your attention.
7. Get good legal advice
Finding a competent matrimonial attorney will be one of the first tasks to focus on. Take it seriously. If you need to, get someone to help you with this. It will get you out of your head and into the reality of your situation. Ask family and friends for referrals, gather attorney information, and have all of your personal and financial information ready. This is good practice for taking care of yourself and moving forward.
8. Remember, under stress, we regress
Be careful not to regress to old self-destructive or sabotaging behaviors. With all your strength, stay an adult. Take good care of yourself so you can be there for those who need you. Do not take on any new or additional projects at this time because this might add more stress. Find ways to relax and welcome new healthy ways to bring joy into your life.
9. Reassessment and renewal
Don't allow being divorced to define who you are. Do not make getting divorced a life project, a way to get revenge, or to feel superior. Just reasonably protect your interests and move on. This is a time for reassessment and renewal.
When you feel ready, find a hobby you are passionate about and pursue it. It doesn't matter what it is. It can be volunteering in an animal clinic, gardening, or starting a new business. What matters is the care you put into it and the people it brings you in contact with.
Evelyn and Paul Moschetta are marriage counselors, therapists, and workshop leaders who have written many books dealing with marriage including The Marriage Spirit.