The Sneaky — But Completely Destructive — Tactic Narcissists Use To Reel You Back In
How to spot it, deal with it and fight back.
halfpoint, undefined undefined | Canva The word "hoovering" originated from the Hoover vacuum cleaner because a narcissist will do just about everything to suck their partner back into the relationship if they leave or threaten to leave.
There’s nothing about it that is loving. Instead, they use extreme forms of manipulation and lies because there is nothing a narcissist is more afraid of than losing their victim. They want the attention they crave from whoever they’ve targeted.
My ex-husband, Micah, was a classic narcissist, although it took me too long to realize it.
When we were dating, he spent hours (yes, hours) in front of the bathroom mirror grooming himself. Then, he’d follow me wherever I was so I could tell him he was a beautiful man. The only way he’d leave me alone was if I said it, but that wasn’t even good enough. He wanted me to say it over and over, continuously butting into my personal space so I would look at him.
During our marriage, I left Micah seven times until it finally stuck. He was a physically and verbally abusive husband the entire time we were together. Nobody in my life understood why I kept going back to him. I didn’t understand myself. Now I know that he "hoovered" me every single time.
In fact, Micah "hoovered" me even when I was with him. There was an incident where we got into a fight, and I left him to sleep in the spare bedroom for the night. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize there was no lock on the door. Micah burst in almost once every half-hour when I was trying to sleep, yelling at me and being a bully. I couldn’t get away from him, and that’s exactly how he wanted it. Once I stopped engaging him, he seemed to need it even more, and I was left sleep-deprived and confused about the things he said.
One of his behaviors that I hated most was the following. Micah would argue with me, and I would leave the room. He’d follow me all around our house demanding that I answer whatever he was asking. His following drove me crazy, and his word vomit and accusations confused me. It felt like he was holding my eyelids open to force me to look at him. There was no such thing as my own personal space.
Every time I left Micah, I waited until he was at work. I’d pack up my daughter and the few boxes we had and go to stay with friends or at a domestic violence shelter. Each time, I was dead serious and swore I’d never go back to him.
Micah usually started hoovering with phone calls.
He’d call at all times of the day and night, and if he didn’t get an answer, he just called right back. This would go on all day. He’d fill my voicemail up with threats and begging intertwined with hateful words. When I first met Micah, he told me that he’d been in trouble for "phone harassment" to his ex-wife. I didn’t think much of it at the time because he also said his wife was crazy. When I became the object of his harassment, I realized that if his wife was nuts, it was probably because of him.
I got smarter towards the end and changed my phone number when I left him, but he’d bother my friends and family into giving it to him by claiming there was some kind of emergency. This is another narcissist tactic. Micah would contact my friends and family if I wouldn’t talk to him. He began a smear campaign full of lies against me until the people on the receiving end started to doubt me. Because I kept going back to him, they started to take his word over mine.
Another hoovering tactic that Micah used was to start showing up everywhere he knew I would be.
He seemed to always know what I was doing. He’d confront me about something, just for the opportunity to get in my face and make me notice him. He’d say, "I was just worried about you" or "I know you didn’t mean the things you said." It was complete and total gaslighting.
If none of that worked, Micah would threaten to kill himself. I went back to him on a few occasions for this reason. He even faked a heart attack once so his friends could guilt me into going to the hospital. He pulled on my heartstrings while at the same time making me look bad for abandoning him.
Every time I went back to him, the abuse got worse and worse. He manipulated me for my kindness and took everything I had. He knew I was incapable of telling him to get lost or that I hated him. It wasn’t in my nature, at least back then.
The only way I was able to get away and stay away was to block all his access to me. I changed my number (again) and no longer went to places where Micah would expect me. Also, I checked into a halfway house for women so Micah couldn’t show up there. Little by little, his brainwashing wore off. I didn’t see him for a year after the last time, but in that time I grew much stronger. I began to heal, and his words had no effect on me anymore.
I wish I could say that Micah moved on, but he still harassed me up until the day he died. He even brought our daughter into it, using her as a pawn to get to me. He begged to be able to see her because he knew I wouldn’t leave him alone with her. The few times we tried meeting, he caused so much trouble that I had to finally tell him not again. I felt bad about keeping our daughter from him, but his manipulation was hurting her, too.
About eight years ago, Micah died after being hit by a train. It was unbelievably shocking, but at the same time, I felt a sense of relief. His family said he fell on the train tracks, but it’s more likely that wasn’t really the case. His death left me with an anger I feared I couldn’t control. Once I could look at things objectively, I realized what a monster he was. I was furious at the damage I let him do.
Micah clearly was a very sick man. I found out that his parents called the police twice when he briefly stayed with them after we divorced. He grabbed his elderly mother by the shoulders and shook her hard. I remember when he did the same to me, and I realized how lucky I was to get away and stay away.
For a long time, I blamed myself for letting Micah destroy so much of my life. Now, I know that I was manipulated to a horrifying degree.
When people ask me why I didn’t get rid of him sooner, I find it hard to explain it to them. Micah messed with my mind, and it was hard to know what the truth was all those years. My life was ruined by a master narcissist, and that included the hoovering where he sucked the life out of me.
If you suspect somebody is hoovering you, it’s important to stay as strong as possible. Realize that it’s simply a tactic used against you, one of many tricks the narcissist plays. This vicious cycle can be repeated over and over, as long as the narcissist still has use for you. Most importantly, it’s not your fault. You’re being manipulated by someone who, for all their bluster, is incredibly insecure and self-loathing. This is not love. It’s not even like.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474, or log onto thehotline.org.
Glenna Gill is a writer and blogger from Charlotte, North Carolina. Her articles have been featured in Scary Mommy and P.S. I Love You. When I Was Lost is her first full-length book, a memoir of love, loss and hope.