7 Small, Soul-Sucking Behaviors That Only Ruin Relationships
Stop these habits immediately for the sake of your love life.
mixetto | Canva Decades of clumsily spoiling my relationships, combined with an unhealthy obsession with human behavior and attraction dynamics have compelled me to write this for you lovebirds. Let’s get down and dirty...
Here are 7 soul-sucking behaviors that only ruin relationships:
1. Your obsession with ‘compatibility’
One of the oft-cited reasons for many public divorces is "irreconcilable differences." Though I don’t think it means this specifically, it’s easy to think that the reason relationships often fail is because you two were too different. Wrong. A successful relationship has nothing to do with compatibility. If anything, if you guys are on two ends of the same spectrum, this makes for a more interesting and stickier relationship. It’s not Jake’s interest in ancient Egyptian death ceremonies that put you off. You cannot let go of the prickly idea that you guys are incompatible in the first place. It’s in the mind. That’s the problem.
2. Looking to them for validation
If you decide to be in a relationship to be validated by another human, you’re on dangerous terrain. Why? Because your ‘happiness’ is now conditional. Nate may one day look at you funny, not because he’s a jerk, but because the next mortgage payment is on his mind. But you took it personally because you rely on his continual smiley attention, and now you’re giving him the silent treatment. Way to go, silly. Relationships should be a means to share the love already rippling inside you, not a way to apply ointment to the pain of your low perceived sense of ‘worth.’
3. Caving to your need for novelty
Yes, the modern world has instilled in us the idea that we have an inconceivably wide range of options in all areas. A host of junk can be pulled up online, picked up, and delivered within a day. Even your next Chad. Your fingers have become a claw because you can’t stop scrolling for all the eye-watering novelty. Sure, there are times when a relationship runs its course, but often they end too soon because you can’t just sit with the uncomfortable itch for wanting more.
Treat a relationship as an opportunity to develop mastery over your mind and your emotions. Find a way to serve and connect more deeply with who you’re with instead of caving — like a drooling child at a toy shop — to your dopamine-lusting brain.
4. Basing a relationship on ‘love’
If you’re getting into relationships solely because you love one another, you may be unwise. Love is your subjective opinion of the emotions you feel, moment by moment. These feelings will shift, fade, and return. The strongest relationships are based on more than love and lust. They acknowledge their transactional nature. He needs this. She needs that. Quit lying to yourselves, and be open about what those needs are. Make sure you exchange what you know you both want and stop using your faded sense of ‘love’ to justify the failure of your alliance.
5. Being in each other’s faces all-day
You know the saying: "Familiarity breeds contempt." Strong relationships can be counterintuitive.
There are two sides to maintain:
- Connect and make each other feel better.
- Actively create distance.
If you’re working in the same house all day long, I wish you lots of luck, but I’d advise you to find a way to get out of each other’s way. Not because you’re a prick. But because the relationship will be stronger because of it.
6. Competing with your partner
Let go of the lie that you’re both equal in needs and duties. No. You’re opposites. North doesn’t attract North. That’s why unequal relationships work. Men don’t need to come home to another boss who nags his ear off. Neither do women get turned on by men who cower to her wishes so that the household comprises two housewives. If she’s the dominant and he’s the submissive, OK maybe. But if you guys are competing and keeping score, it will gradually break down. Embrace your differences and the uniqueness in your needs, and tend to those — yin and yang.
7. Being too nice
There’s no quicker way to destroy a healthy romantic relationship than putting each other into an awkward friend zone. This can happen even if you were both initially excited. Niceness can creep in when you’re actively trying to avoid displeasing the other. You’re not buddies — certainly not if you’re in the earlier stages. You’re in a continual and fascinating dance of animalistic seduction. Get back to teasing. Stop taking yourself and it all so seriously. Find a way to have fun with it. Your relationship will flourish, and so will the love.
Alex Mathers is a writer and coach who helps you build a money-making personal brand with your knowledge and skills while staying mentally resilient.