10 Signs You're Being Emotionally Neglected In Your Marriage
When you don't feel safe or loved, your marriage can easily spiral towards divorce.
Photoroyalty | Shutterstock Marriage is a beautiful journey that can last a lifetime with the right person. It's a union full of ups and downs, highs and lows, but couples can find comfort in knowing they have someone to confide in and look to for emotional support.
Unfortunately, marriage isn't always so uplifting. In fact, there may be plenty of signs you're being emotionally neglected in your marriage, and your partner isn't providing that safety net they promised to always have. While there are bumpy roads in any relationship, instead of scrambling to make things work, there are some indicators to recognize when things are becoming unsteady.
Here are 10 signs you're being emotionally neglected in your marriage
1. They give you cold responses when you try to express vulnerability
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With a hectic workload, no breaks, or endless meetings back to back, all you want to do is get home and cuddle into the arms of your partner. But everyone has had a bad day and taken it out on their partner. But if you're being emotionally neglected in your marriage, this can look a little different from most.
When you try to be vulnerable about your negative experience, you're met with cold responses and uncaring gazes from your partner. Unfortunately, according to licensed psychologist Jonice Webb Ph.D., emotional neglect can lead to difficulty connecting and enjoying your relationship.
When times get tough and your partner isn't willing to meet you halfway there, what can you do? If you've tried having serious conversations, therapy, or changing your behavior, and nothing seems to be working, there's likely not a whole lot you can do. People with an unwillingness to change or compromise can't be argued with. This means that the next best course of action is figuring out what's best for you.
2. They don't give you affection or validation
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Everyone needs affection and validation to feel loved. But if you're being emotionally neglected in your marriage, it's difficult to pinpoint the last time you felt truly adored by your partner.
Whether it's a build-up of resentment or a lost spark, the outcome is still the same. Whenever you try to kiss or hug your partner, they pull away and say, "Not now," without even looking your way. Rejection leads to hurt feelings such as jealousy, loneliness, shame, guilt, embarrassment, and even social anxiety, according to a study published in Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience.
It's important to address the issue head-on and ask your partner what's bothering them. By letting them know that you're a safe place and that you will not judge them for their emotions, you're creating a safe environment for your partner to let their guard down. And that, in turn, will hopefully create a stronger bond.
3. They expect you to tolerate unfair treatment
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In marriage, people have good days and bad days. They'll have moments of being a complete goofball or moments where they want to be left alone. That said, expecting your partner to put up with mood swings or bad behavior constantly is toxic.
Dealing with explosive behavior can have devastating consequences on someone's mental health. According to a study published in the Journal of Research in Personality, feeling angry towards a romantic partner leads to destructive behaviors like hostility, complaining, rejection, and even intimate partner violence.
Knowing this, couples should be wary of how they act with one another, and call each other out respectfully when it becomes problematic. Otherwise, you'll find your marriage becoming increasingly tense as your partner continues with their hurtful actions.
4. They frequently ignore or dismiss your concerns
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When your partner is going through a rough patch, it pays to hear their grievances. After all, feeling listened to is extremely important for the overall longevity of your marriage. But if you're being emotionally neglected in your marriage, your partner will simply dismiss your needs or just ignore them altogether.
According to Dr. John Gottman's Four Horsemen, one of which is stonewalling, certain behaviors predict the end of a relationship. The impact of stonewalling is massive, as it prevents open and honest communication, and can lead to more arguments as one person begins to grow frustrated. Emotional neglect doesn't allow for feelings of unity and understanding.
Each person in the marriage should carve out time to talk one-on-one without any distractions. Though it's hard work, doing this ensures that you make time throughout the day to catch up and bond. Plus, it will make you feel like your concerns are being heard.
5. You aren't spending quality time together
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Spending quality time with your partner is key to keeping the relationship alive. Whether you choose to watch a movie, go out to a nice dinner, or try a new activity, making time for one another creates lasting bonds. However, if you're being emotionally neglected in marriage, your partner likely doesn't spend quality time with you. Instead, they may be interested in their own hobbies, away from you.
This type of behavior is hurtful, as it can lead to self-doubt and contempt. According to the Gottman Institute, contempt is another one of the Four Horsemen that can predict whether or not a relationship leads to divorce. Knowing this, couples should sit down and create goals to spend time together. Whether it's one hour each day or on the weekend, having these goals ensures that you're strengthening your bond every single day.
6. They make you feel like you're not a team
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Experts say that marriage is strengthened by thinking of your relationship as a team. Together, couples achieve more, support one another's dreams and passions, and tackle the difficult days alongside one another. That means raising children, doing household chores, and scheduling appointments as a team.
But if you're being emotionally neglected in your marriage, this might seem like a foreign concept. You're likely used to picking up the slack and giving it your all, while your partner doesn't put in effort. And it can be damaging to your mental health, as well as your relationship.
For example, a study published in the Archives of Women's Mental Health found that mothers who took on greater household responsibilities had an increased risk of stress and other mental health issues. Consider the amount of exhaustion you're facing in your marriage and how it can lead to burnout if you're not careful. Then, have a discussion with your partner about putting in equal work.
7. You feel alone, even when you're with your partner
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When you feel lonely in your marriage, that emotion can surface at any time. Whether you're out with your friends or watching movies with your partner, if you don't have that genuine connection, you'll never be content in your relationship.
It should come as no surprise that loneliness can lead to negative consequences, as human beings are social creatures that need connection to thrive. Additional research from the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine found that social connection boosts mood, lowers blood pressure, and decreases mortality.
In a marriage, when your needs of connection aren't being met, you'll slowly begin to feel the impact of it. But remember that it's never too late to make a change. As long as both parties are willing to work on it, that feeling of loneliness can slowly decrease.
8. You struggle to find things to talk about
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It's a common misconception that you need to know the right words before speaking to someone. Most people who have been married for years will tell you that a conversation with their partner flows throughout their day-to-day lives. But if you're being emotionally neglected by your partner, having a simple conversation won't come easy.
Whether it's contempt or unspoken tension, both partners can feel stunted in their ability to reconnect and reengage with their partner. As a result, they'll experience a decrease in relationship satisfaction as they grapple with where to go next, causing them to make a difficult decision to leave or stay.
To avoid this, couples should do their best to try new things together, as this will improve their intimacy. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, couples who tried new things tended to have a more satisfying intimate life as it boosted their desires. Additionally, couples can find things to talk about by asking open-ended questions, reminiscing about shared memories, talking about future plans, and focusing on active listening.
9. They constantly criticize or belittle you
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If you're being emotionally neglected in your marriage, you may feel criticized or belittled by your partner. Going to your significant other when you're feeling upset is already tough; after all, it's difficult to open up and express those tightly sealed emotions. However, when your partner meets your vulnerability with criticism, it's incredibly painful, and can make you hesitant to open up in the future.
You and your partner should consider sitting down with a professional and working through your problems together. Otherwise, you won't be able to feel like you can truly express yourself, as your partner puts you down and unconsciously takes over every conversation.
10. You find yourself daydreaming to escape your reality
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Daydreaming can be a source of inspiration or creativity, or as a way to process tough emotions. But if you find yourself daydreaming constantly, especially when you're with your partner, it may be a sign that something has gone terribly wrong in your marriage. During moments like these, you might feel tempted to ignore the problem and put yourself in an alternate reality. But ignoring the issue will only cause tensions to rise.
It's best to figure out what you're daydreaming about most and go from there. For example, if you're thinking about receiving love or affection from your partner, perhaps your partner isn't meeting your daily needs. Or, maybe you're daydreaming about going on an adventure together, meaning you wish your partner would follow through. By identifying the problem, you can find ways to bring it up to your partner, having an effective and productive conversation.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.