3 Dangerous Signs Someone's Being Emotionally Unfaithful, Backed By Psychology
Are they really just your friend, or is it more?
Satrio Ramadhan | Canva Emotional affairs are very real things. In fact, over half of all emotional affairs start out innocently as online friendships. More than 70 percent of those friendships or flirtations will end up as real-time affairs.
So how do you know if you're emotionally cheating? What are the signs you're having an emotional affair?
If you're currently married or in a committed partnership and believe you might be walking that thin line, you may want to take a good look at your intentions, actions, and feelings. You can stop your emotional affair, now, before it's too late.
Here are 3 dangerous signs someone's being emotionally unfaithful:
1. You share frustrations about your marriage or relationship
If you're telling your work friend all about your problems at home, you are asking for trouble. You're creating a unique intimacy with this person and cutting out your partner at home, essentially creating a bond with your new friend to the inevitable exclusion of your partner.
Openly sharing frustrations about a marriage or relationship is healthy and crucial for resolving conflicts and maintaining a strong bond. This allows partners to address issues directly, fostering better communication and understanding.
However, a 2020 American Psychological Association study found the way these frustrations are expressed is key, as negative communication patterns like criticism or contempt can potentially damage the relationship.
Once you have established that you can talk negatively about your partner with this person, you are setting up a close and emotional relationship, as well as an opening where this person can move in to fill the needs that your partner isn't. This is a difficult question, but one you should ask yourself: are you sharing your unmet needs to subconsciously see if this person will meet them?
2. You begin testing the waters
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You are watching to see how far you can take the banter. Sure, it's fun to tell dirty jokes occasionally.
And yes, it might be okay to send them that spicy YouTube music video, depending on the context, of course. But think about why you are doing it. And be honest with yourself: are you testing them to gauge their reaction?
Relationship dynamics often explore concepts that align with this idea. These include assessing relationship satisfaction, communication patterns, and subtle behaviors that can indicate potential issues or areas of concern within a partnership. A 2023 study published in Frontiers in Human Neuroscience found that individuals can gauge their relationship's overall health without directly testing it.
Perhaps they are telling you the things you want to hear, and as such, you are now pushing the envelope to see how far things will really go. Riding the edge can feel exhilarating but it can also be dangerous and disrespectful to your partner.
3. You contact them outside of "friendship hours"
If they start calling you in the evening, you are crossing the line. If you are texting on the weekends, you are no longer just work friends. If you find yourself waiting for those texts and those phone calls — anxiously checking your phone and responding immediately — you should refocus your attention and look honestly at the situation.
2018 research published in Perspectives on Psychological Science found that this behavior often indicates a desire for deep, intimate connection outside your primary relationship. Late-night communication usually involves sharing personal thoughts and feelings that your partner might not share during the day, creating a sense of secrecy and emotional intimacy with the other person.
There's a possibility that you're more emotionally involved with them at this point than with your spouse. Ask yourself: is there more to this friendship than I want to admit to my partner? Am I being honest with them and with myself?
If these three warning signs are true for you, perhaps you're having an emotional affair.
To prevent an emotional affair, you shouldn't expect to give up all of your friends and refuse to meet new people. That's not realistic, nor is it healthy. Cutting out friends of the opposite gender doesn't work, nor does restricting time on the internet.
Preventing emotional infidelity is as simple as (and this is harder than it sounds) telling the truth. To avoid an affair, you and your partner have to accept that it is natural and normal to feel, both, emotionally and physically attracted to other people. And if you find yourself fantasizing about this other person, tell on yourself before it goes any further.
It is easier to talk about now than it will be later after the emotional affair has developed into something more complicated. Telling your partner means being honest about your feelings. It doesn't mean using specific details. Be open and honest about your concerns and let your partner know that you want to share your feelings before they turn into something more.
It is normal to find yourself attracted to someone with whom you have developed an emotional connection. But moving that relationship into something sexual is the next step and it is potentially dangerous for your relationship. If you are in a relationship and afraid you might cheat, talk to your partner today and be honest about your feelings.
Tammy Nelson, PhD is an intimacy and relationship expert, an international speaker, an author, and a licensed psychotherapist with almost thirty years of experience working with individuals and couples.