5 Subtle Signs Your Partner Is On The Verge Of Leaving You, According To Psychology
A partner who will suddenly vanish into thin air often shows these signs.
Dean Drobot | Canva When most people say they were surprised by a partner leaving them, they tend to leave out obvious issues in their relationships. They may have been the person who cheated repeatedly, kept ignoring their partner’s cries for help, or was even abusive to them.
They are usually just surprised because they didn’t think their partners would leave them. However, I want to point out that there are some breakups where there are no signs that anything is wrong with the relationship before the breakup. It’s rare, but it happens. And when it does, everyone around them wonders how it could happen. Here are the subtle signs your partner is on the verge of leaving you:
1. They never argue with you
I have a little more faith in people who argue than in people who don’t. When people argue — and I don’t mean like a domestic violence fight, but like an actual argument — it means they are comfortable talking to one another. If your partner never complains about anything, you need to watch out. Normal people have things they don’t like to happen to them. A person who can’t speak out when they are upset is going to be the person who eventually leaves without warning.
This is known as a "conflict-avoidant" person. They usually come from homes where raising a concern could get you hit. The problem is, if you don’t confront problems head-on, breakups become inevitable because the resentment you get becomes too much to handle.
"If you intend to love yourself and your partner," advised psychologist Margaret Paul, "then you need to stay open to the truth of what’s happening between you. If you intend to protect, control, or avoid, then you will shut down to avoid the core pain of your unloving relationship."
2. They have a pattern
This might be rare in some circles, but in the rave scene of NYC, it wasn’t. There was a not-so-distant time when I was heavily involved in the NYC rave scene, and that came with knowing the tea on almost everyone’s dates. I could tell you who ghosted who, who beat who, and who stole whose drugs that one time at band camp. One thing I noticed is the guys who abruptly ended dates often would be the first ones to break off relationships.
A 2021 study from The American Psycholocial Assocation (APA) on relationship dissolution "investigated associations between interpersonal goals and dissolution strategies, finding that stronger endorsement of the goal of asserting oneself was linked to greater odds of reporting ending the friendship, whereas the more participants reported that they would be trying to stay friends, the lower the odds of reporting either ending the relationship or distancing from the friend."
3. They 'monkey-branch'
There’s a growing trend to date people whom they like until something better comes along. This is known as "monkey-branching," and it often means the person in question cheats on their current partner with their future partner, according to APA research.
People who monkey-branch are always looking for an upgrade that will replace their current one. Their upgrade might be wealthier, more famous, or just have the skills they need for free labor for a particular business. In rare occurrences, it’s simply a "looks" issue. Either way, their end goal is always the same: to date higher and higher, until they get what they want. Sometimes, they never really stop. They don’t love any of their partners. They’re just using them.
Counselor Brittney Lindstrom recommended, "If you realize you are dating someone who's been using you, don't think of it as a negative. Think of it as a good thing that you realized this now and can get rid of this negative and selfish person in your life. It's a new beginning. Try to see the positive in the situation and be thankful that you can stop the relationship from going any further. The pain would have intensified the longer it went on."
If you feel like you may have been monkey-branched, or if your partner cheated on you only to come back after the other person dumped them, run. They will break up with you as soon as they find the next big thing. Do not think for a moment you are different here. They may be nice to you now, but if Johnny Millionaire or Jenny Movie Star hits on them, they toss you out.
4. They have an obsession with keeping their reputation intact
Do you know who are the worst partners to have? The people who always, always need to have the validation of everyone around them to exist. They are always in need of being praised and looked up to.
The funny thing is, this is a key trait of a narcissist. Once a narcissist feels like they have you "in the bag," the value of your praise plummets. They also tend to be the first to dump someone their friends don’t approve of, hide you in the shadows, or string you along.
"They have hierarchical thinking, meaning that every person or object (they are also very materialistic) is placed on a scale. They have trouble believing anyone is their equal. This perspective is deeply rooted in their need for admiration and status," advised life coach Meredith Deasley.
These are the types of people who will suddenly bail when you want to take your relationship public or ask for more commitment. They’ll say they love you, act like everything is good, tell everyone else you’re abusing them or cornering them into commitment, and then leave. Boom. You suddenly have a bunch of people hating on you, and you’re wondering what happened.
5. They refuse to ever take responsibility
You might not notice this about a partner until it happens to you, or because you have been gaslit for so long, you think it is your fault. That’s why it’s smart to see how your partner behaves with others. "Emotionally neglectful partners do these things because they grew up in families that were emotionally [closed], and they did not learn how to recognize, understand, or read feelings in themselves or others," explained psychologist Jonice Webb, "Nevertheless, the unintentional effect on you is an erosion of your trust in yourself and your sense of valuing your feelings, which are the deepest expression of who you are."
Have they boasted to you about refusing to pay someone who worked for them? Have you seen them sneak off and hurt someone to get ahead, only to tell you they somehow deserved it? Did it seem a little off to you? If you start to notice they won’t take responsibility or they will avoid having moments where they say they are the problem, watch out. People often forget that abruptly ending a relationship is a way to shirk responsibility and place it on others.
I may be wrong, but the same partner who says they don’t owe you an explanation for leaving you after 10 years probably would end up finding other ways to justify their poor behavior toward others.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
