7 Heartbreaking Signs Your Fiancé Is Not The One, According To Psychology
You dumped him because he didn't propose. Should you give him a second chance?
nd3000 | Canva In my last article, I discussed the growing trend of men giving desperate women a shut-up ring. This time, I examined men who refused to marry the women who wanted to marry them and what happened when they got back together.
This is a situation that tends to happen more often than you think. Not all shut-up rings end up with no wedding. Some people will get a shut-up ring and also marry their (deeply resentful) partners.
Let's say that you have a shut-up ring, and you actually might make it to the altar. This often happens after you leave your partner and they "suddenly realize" how much you matter to them. Should you take them back? It depends. Some men are genuinely remorseful and realize how much they care after you take time apart. Others, or even most? Not so much, especially if they gave you a shut-up ring.
Here are the 7 heartbreaking signs your fiancé is not the one, according to psychology:
1. The relationship is toxic
Now that you've been away from him for a while, do you feel less lonely? Are you enjoying the single life? Did you start to do things he never allowed you to do, even though you enjoyed them?
This is a sign that you really should take the breakup as a blessing in disguise. Rejection can be God's protection. Stay broken up, because chances are that you were dealing with abuse without even realizing it.
A toxic relationship's end is never a loss. It's a gain. You gained your freedom back. Take it, run with it, and find a better partner — or just learn to love time with yourself.
According to research, a significant indicator of a “shut up ring” is the presence of deeper commitment issues within the relationship. This behavior arises when a partner is reluctant to leave their relationship because they’ve invested significant time and energy into it but hesitate to fully commit because the initial spark has dimmed or their feelings toward the relationship have changed.
2. He doesn't care about your feelings
I hate hearing people advise women to “communicate harder” when their partners don’t care how much they hurt them. If you are sure he knew it hurt you but didn't care enough to change things until you left, he’s shown you who he is.
This is a man who will never care about your feelings until it impacts him — and sometimes, not even then. Rather than try to give this sociopath a second chance, keep walking. He’s not marriage material for anyone. Marrying him is a great way to doom yourself to a lifetime of misery.
3. He has ulterior motives
Here's the thing about way too many men: they only realize how much money and comfort you bring in when you leave. This is doubly true if you're the primary earner.
When men realize they're going to be out of a home because they didn't marry you, they'll beg for you to marry them. Take a look at how your finances are versus his. If you know you're going to be doing way better than he will be when you're split up, there's a good chance that he's proposing because he loves to use you or wants access to what you own.
For example, if he kept saying he needed you to buy a house with him before you married and split up with him, that's good. It means you value yourself, and you're not dealing with moving goalposts.
However, if you buy a house solo and he suddenly is begging to marry you after the fact, that's a red flag. That means he wants the house — not you. If he wanted you, he would have proposed and then bought a house with you.
4. He puts you on the backburner
Oh, if only I had a dollar for each time that I heard of a man who put a decent woman on the back burner because he wanted to pursue a sidepiece. I wouldn't have to file for bankruptcy! I'd be rich!
Bad as it is to say, a lot of men who give women shut-up rings tend to be serial cheaters. They also tend to be the type of guy who tries to "trade up" and monkey branch to other women as often as they can.
The funny thing is, most women who are sidepieces are not keen on marrying men who cheated on their main partner with them. This is doubly true if the woman in question is wealthier than him.
Women sometimes just want a little casual fun — just like men do. So, they might look for people who say they're strictly up for casual affairs. This is often the same type of guy who gives shut-up rings.
When quality women find out that their Mr. Fling wants to be their Mr. Ring, they tend to ghost them or dump them. This is doubly true if they find out that their fling was attached all the time they were having fun.
Needless to say, this is the same type of guy who ends up crawling back to their first girlfriend in hopes of getting mercy. Do not fall for it. Men who do this keep doing it, which means that any relationship with him will be temporary.
5. His family and friends treat you terribly
There are so many good pairings that got destroyed by terrible family members who wanted to force a breakup. It’s happened to me — and I tried everything to make my ex’s family like me.
In many cases, this is not because of the would-be bride. It’s the fault of narcissistic, dysfunctional families and friendship circles filled with envy. If a man loves you, he won’t let his loved ones attack you. That’s not love. That’s abuse.
People don't like to hear this, but when you marry your husband, you marry his family too. If he can’t draw a line and stand up to his family, it’s not a matter of if you’ll split. It’s a matter of when.
6. You feel resentful of him
There's a certain point when you no longer feel the same feelings you once did for your ex. If you are resentful and feel more anger than love, the relationship is over.
A lot of women I know get so resentful toward men who string them along they no longer want to marry them by the time they propose. Ask them, and they’ll explain that they no longer feel like it was the magical event it was supposed to be.
Too many guys only realize that they want to keep a girl around after their partner has checked out. If you’re a man reading this, I’m begging you: don’t be that guy.
7. It's more about the wedding than the person
Some men genuinely do realize they want to stay with you as a married couple after a breakup. You can usually tell who they are because their families love you, they have a legitimate excuse, and they start planning right away.
They even may have a date in mind when they propose and a wedding planner on call. They love you for you, not what you do for them or what you provide for them.
If you no longer want to marry this person because the concept of a wedding was ruined for you, it’s best to keep walking. Someone else will gladly wake you up.
Evidence suggests that people raised by happily married parents tend to have a more positive view of marriage and commitment. Having parents who model happy, satisfied marriages can help bolster the desire to marry as an adult.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.