The #1 Sign You're In A Relationship With A Narcissist (Or Were Raised By One)
Dr. Ramani shares the long-lasting effect of being controlled by a narcissist and how to break free.
Dikushin Dmitry via Shutterstock Few traits are more admirable than being willing to see the best in people. Unfortunately, not all people are good people, and some people will see your positive outlook as a sign you'd make a good target for their bad behavior. This is especially true if that person is a narcissist.
What makes it even more nerve-wracking is that spotting this type of toxic behavior isn't always easy, as most narcissists prefer to keep their dark side hidden until you feel "hooked". If the narcissist in your life is your parent, it can be even trickier to know if your kindness is being manipulated — or if you really are as "bad" as they say you are.
The biggest sign you are in a relationship with a narcissist — or you were raised by one
Luckily, there is one obvious sign that most narcissists can't hide. On a recent episode of the podcast Getting Open, host Andrea Miller sits down with Dr. Ramani Durvasula, psychologist, researcher and author of It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People — a world-famous expert on narcissists and clinical narcissism — to discuss who narcissists are and the type of behavior they exhibit.
Too often, we blame people for staying in situations with narcissists, including when their own parent is the toxic person in question. This is profoundly unfair, as most of the time, people are utterly blindsided by their partner or family member's toxic behavior.
Worse, a narcissist will often make their victim feel like they are the true narcissist. They often pound this idea into the other person's mind so effectively, their victim starts to believe it might be true, asking themselves time and again: Am I the abusive person in this situation? Could I really be a narcissist?
To help you figure out if you really are a narcissist — or if you've been targeted by one who wants to trick you to deflect attention — Dr. Ramani shares a personal story:
Dr. Ramani's 'Purple Dress' analogy
Dr. Ramani, who is Indian-American, grew up in a New England town where she was one of the only South Asian children in her school. Because her family understood that their community was already suspicious of their differences, Ramani shared that she learned to stay quiet and avoid the spotlight.
However, when she was eight years old, a traveling circus group came to her school from New York City. Unlike the people in her town, they were completely enchanted by her. She was so used to being unheard and unseen, she didn't know what to make of the attention.
Dr. Ramani continues, "The circus people come [and] they're giving out roles to everyone." Finally, they held up a beautiful, vibrant, very show-y purple costume. Most of the other girls' hands shot up at the opportunity to wear something so unusual and fantastic. But the people with the circus looked at her and asked if she wanted it.
She did. But she couldn't take it. She put her head down and declined and it broke her heart. She knew she would be looked at and noticed in that role, with that costume, and she chose instead a much less noticeable role in the play.
"So if I did this, if I went along with anything that [would get me] noticed in school I would get shamed, humiliated, that kind of stuff," Dr. Ramani explains. In all-white community, she knew it was unsafe to stand out. She would rather break her own heart and decline something she wanted so badly than become a target for those who didn't want to see her shine.
Similarly, narcissists don't want you to stand out
There's this inherent drive in us all that begs for us to be noticed. It's human nature to want to connect and have the spotlight every once in a while to varying degrees. Unfortunately, anyone else having the spotlight isn't acceptable in the eyes of a narcissist.
Sure, they may want you to be successful to make them look good, but they never want you to take the spotlight away from them.
While little girl Ramani wasn't the target of a narcissist, she carried this similar message for most of her life. "And there were repeated experiences like it," she explains. "Other opportunities that would come my way and I would turn away from. Because of that fear of being seen."
The biggest sign you're in a relationship with a narcissist is if they dim your light and don't allow you to shine. And that isn't even the worst part.
Dr. Ramani grieves all the potential lost by victims of narcissists
"If a child or even an adult in a narcissistic relationship puts on the proverbial purple dress they're often shamed, they're told they're show-offs, 'you need all the attention', 'why is everything about you?'," said Dr. Ramani.
Unfortunately, this line of questioning doesn't just impact your mental health as it can also impact your potential.
When you get shut down and a narcissist grabs at your purple dress, they're taking away your voice and by extension your potential.
"So many people have been silenced by these relationships and it saddens me to think about how much human potential that we've lost." People who could've gone on to make a huge impact on someone's life are now reduced to being silent because of their upbringing or unhealthy relationships.
Yet, reclaiming that power back isn't impossible. Dr. Ramani went on to mention that when she has meet-and greets many people show up wearing a purple dress. They are clearly proud of her and want her to know how much that story impacted them.
But this action isn't just a nod to reclaiming your potential and identity. She continued, "Purple is also the color of domestic violence awareness," which, according to Dr. Ramani, is closely associated with narcissism.
Dr. Ramani shares that now, even though she can still feel the sadness and shame that little girl felt (but didn't deserve), "I could be compassionate for the little girl who said no. Because the voice that was saying no was trying to protect her."
So to see so many women wearing purple dresses and unapologetically reclaiming themselves, well, it's a beautiful moment. And she wants them to be proud for surviving and adapting as they needed to.
And though you can't always help your past, you can take charge and reclaim your present. By putting on that proverbial purple dress you're showing your narcissistic partner or family members that you will not be silent and that you're here to live up to your fullest potential. Which is the most powerful thing anyone can do.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.