5 Secret Strategies To Avoid A “Dirty Divorce”
Plan carefully because divorce is a hero's journey.
KT Nielsen | Canva As a Divorce Coach and Certified Mediator for the last twenty-five years, I have met thousands of people all over the world who are struggling to save their children from the suffering that is all too common during and after divorce.
Unfortunately, divorces that end up being fought over in court can result in miserable outcomes, including:
- Paying a former partner “through the nose” and far more than your career and savings warrant.
- Having your children lose some of the valuable parenting time with one parent as a result of being “caught in the crossfire” of divorce.
- Living hand to mouth while the former partner glides along with plenty of money.
- Finding the IRS dunning you for your partner’s debts, often for money problems that you didn’t know existed.
- Experiencing PTSD as a result of your partner’s dangerous or violent behaviors.
So understandably, many people worry about the outcome of their divorce.
If you're contemplating divorce, consider using specific strategies that lead to peaceful, no-court divorces.
To position yourself for a fair divorce, every move you make needs to be in secret — because even using the “D” word creates chaos, fear, and often push-back from partners. Never use the word “Divorce” when speaking to your spouse, children, family, friends, or anyone who knows your spouse because this word has such a drastic effect on most people that they panic and panicky people make bad choices. Since your marriage is already in trouble you don’t need more bad behavior from your spouse, do you?
As shown in a 2001 study, there are only 2 issues in most divorces, child custody and financial division. That’s all there is to it and if you learn to stay calm and get expert help you can thrive, even during a divorce.
Here are 5 secret strategies to avoid a “dirty divorce”:
1. Do not call an attorney first.
This is the biggest mistake that most people make when they are angry at their spouse.
2. Quietly gather the necessary information and documents you'll need.
Quietly and secretly gather all the needed financials of your family’s assets and debts to bring to a divorce financial expert, described in a 2011 study. Then call the best CPA specializing in divorce that you can afford and let this financial expert run the numbers using the software program used in your state to learn the standard financial division if you divorce.
3. Make no sudden moves.
This includes unexpected financial expenditures. Don’t let your emotions cause more problems for you.
4. Try to keep the peace at home with your partner.
You need this for your health and sanity and to be able to create a peaceful, fair, inexpensive divorce. Even more essential is that your children and pets need a peaceful safe environment free of arguments for their health and well-being. To move the needle in your marriage that no longer meets your needs for the future, and to create a peaceful cooperative divorce self-soothing is the #1 skill that works best.
5. Understand that every divorce is a mediation.
You must decide what you are willing to give and what you must get; that is the secret to any successful mediation. In my book, The Marry-Go-Round or How to Save Your Money Your Sanity or Your Life! I describe The 7 stages of divorce as: Panic, Denial, Agony, Rage, Epiphany, and Peace. When the light bulb goes off over your head and you realize you have the power you’re probably not using, Negotiate when you understand you will need to give to get, and finally find peace which is a self-created state of mind.
Don’t spend more to get less. In the negotiation stage, as with any crucial decision in life, intention and focus are the keys to successful results. At the same time, you must communicate in a soft and motivating manner so you aren’t seen as “a man with a plan” which will cost you because it will require much more mediation or litigation time before you have an agreement.
Freeograph via Shutterstock
Here's how to succeed in mediation:
The 6 Part Conversation will guide you from your anger to peace and from your partner’s fury to calming your spouse so that you can discuss the challenges you’re facing and consider solutions. When you reach Part VI, Solution, in which both of your key needs and proven strategies are considered, you will be able to discover cooperative solutions that can work for your family.
1. Take a breath before saying or writing anything pertaining to your divorce.
Self-empathy means you calm yourself before speaking, texting, or emailing every single time so you have the highest probability of a peaceful co-created outcome.
2. Have empathy for your partner.
Empathy for your partner means guessing what he/she/they are feeling and needing because you need this info before trying to solve any problem.
3. Stay calm and explain yourself without triggering your partner.
Self-expression is the secret to motivating and inspiring your partner to cooperate. With calm, compassionate words that do not trigger the listener, you have an opportunity to guide your partner to understand and appreciate the best options for your family.
4. Take time to reflect on and clarify anything that's been said.
Reflection and clarification are parts of active listening that allow you and your partner to get back on track if either of you hasn’t been able to listen to the other and remember what was said.
5. Look for the solution that works for both of you.
The solution you’ve been waiting for is only a few minutes away because once you hear your partner and stay calm and your partner can hear you, then through an offer or a request the solution can truly be found.
When you consider all the health and financial benefits of self-soothing and being peaceful most of the time for the rest of your life, and when you imagine finally getting along with your spouse by knowing how to calm them you see why I say, "Divorce is a hero’s journey." Sometimes the most difficult situations in our lives become the catalyst to the most extraordinary journeys to enlightenment and your divorce can be that for you and your family.
Susan Allan is a Life Coach whose Evolution Revolution Trainings offer proven tools to experience joy, and happiness and let go of suffering.