5 Reasons Some Men Are Harder To Forgive Than Others
There may be a very good reason a woman holds a grudge.
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva The issue of grudge-holding is one recurring theme I hear from many of my clients. Grudges occur in all sorts of relationships, so why are some people harder to forgive?
The answer? Because they don't fully make repairs for the ways they hurt their partner and are unaware of what it takes to help someone they've hurt — in big and small ways. From there, a dynamic develops where one person remains angry and resentful, and the other refuses to take responsibility for why the pattern developed.
So, if you're wondering why someone is holding grudges and bringing up the past, it might be time to understand the deeper reasons.
Here are 5 reasons some men are harder to forgive than others
1. They don't validate their partner's feelings
The biggest reason anyone holds on to the past is because they don’t feel heard or fully understood by the person they perceived hurt them. You can validate someone's feelings by naming the emotion you believe your partner is feeling, not putting yourself into the situation for a moment (i.e., don't make it about you!), and just hearing their experience, as suggested by a study in Communication Research Reports.
Ask yourself," What are they saying?" And just reflect on it. It is that easy!
For example, you say: "I can understand that I upset you when I did X."
Nothing else is required at that exact moment! Once they feel validated, like you understand why they're upset, your partner can come back to the logical, and that defensive or emotional state becomes more regulated and soothed.
When they are no longer stuck in the emotion, you can then explain the misunderstanding from more of the logical (i.e., your experience), "That wasn’t my intention at all, and I can see how we misunderstood each other. I meant to do _________. I never intended to hurt you, and I am sorry it felt that way."
The power of validation is tremendous — and the people who are hard to forgive often don't know how to do this.
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2. They keep trying to "fix" their partner
Speaking in general terms, women tend to process while they emotionally express, and men tend to process and then choose to emotionally express. Opposite! This dynamic can make some men harder to forgive than others, if they don't understand that they shouldn't fix their partner, they should fix their part of the issue.
Here’s an example. Let’s say she comes home, and her energy is off. She storms in, throws her purse down, and yells, "I hate my job! It’s awful! No one is nice to me in the office, and I hate it! I’m just so done!"
You may innately feel triggered, want to crawl into your shell, and turn the TV up. You may think to yourself, "Ugh, here we go again! I wish she was just happy."
You may traditionally react by saying, "You need to look at the positive sides. Look how great your commute is, how much money you make, how early you get off! Who cares what your co-workers think about you?"
Unfortunately, you trying to "fix her issue" is you trying to "fix her mood" because it makes you feel uncomfortable. The Gottman Institute explores how she internalizes that as feeling dismissed. She may potentially get angrier, and then you both get into an argument.
That may be why some men, in particular, seem to be harder to forgive.
3. They don't ensure past harm was fully repaired
The bulk of repairing conflict is mostly about validating each other’s perspectives without trying to win the argument. A person who is hard to forgive likely hasn't fully repaired a disconnection or even harm they've done to the other.
Your intention should be to deepen your understanding of each other so you can continue to respect each other and feel secure with one another in your relationship. If your partner feels hurt by you, try to understand why versus get defensive and tell them they are "wrong" just because you don’t agree or your intention was perceived differently.
Clear up any misunderstandings by validating each other and working on creating consistency and awareness for future issues together, as explained in Robert L. Leahy's research on a social-cognitive model of validation.
4. They take their partner's moods personally and start more problems because of that
Going back to the emotional processing piece, women tend to be more emotionally expressive by nature (or nurture). People who struggle to get partners to forgive them may be afraid of a female partner's emotions, and thus refusing to emotionally engage and affirm.
Research published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin suggests you may be assuming that every time she is emotional or having a reaction, it is personally targeted toward you or that they are holding a grudge from some past event.
If you want to be forgiven, ask for clarity without being defensive. Ask if they're upset with you and, if not, how you may support them. What does your partner need in that moment?
Most likely, your partner is just experiencing the world around them and is processing it emotionally.
It most likely has nothing to do with you, but it could be incredibly helpful if you didn’t take every emotional reaction they have personally. It isn’t always about you.
Dragana Gordic via Shutterstock
5. They don't do anything to help their partner feel secure
People who are hard to forgive often say "sorry" or try to repair the relationship without actually doing anything to change their behavior so the other person can feel secure.
Most likely, when a partner keeps bringing up past issues defensively, they are feeling extremely insecure in the relationship, and they aren’t getting something significant they need, as Cara Cosentino of Eastern Illinois University asserts.
Maybe your partner doesn’t know what is missing, but something may be causing them to feel insecure about your relationship or how you may be perceiving them.
Your partner may be hurt about an issue that happened six months ago but struggles with bringing it up and fears they will not be heard.
Unfortunately, they will likely then invalidate their feelings, most likely thinking, "I'm being ridiculous and need to get over it" until they can no longer hold it in.
Your partner probably also fears being a nag and tries their best to let it go.
You’ve probably said to "Let it go" once before, and now they fear bringing it up again. That may have created a situation where your partner, who isn't fully healed or resolved about it, is beating themselves up because they can't let it go.
People who are hard to forgive often ignore big problems
If a man ignores big problems, his partner (or anyone he's dismissing) will likely explode at one little frustration that arises.
This is why the two of you need to work together. They need to do their part and work on understanding their emotions as they come up, but they also need to take the risk of expressing what they need at the moment instead of waiting until they snap out of nowhere.
This is also why you work on the above tips to help you understand her behavior and needs more, so you aren’t feeling incredibly beat down.
Alysha Jeney is a therapist providing relationship counseling in Denver, CO. She owns Modern Love Counseling and is the founder and CEO of The Modern Love Box.