11 Quiet Behaviors Of A Person Who Is Miserable In Their Relationship
Our relationships often show signs of deterioration long before they actually end.
Halfpoint | Shutterstock Without effective communication, basic empathy, and trust in a relationship, both partners are prone to adopting toxic mindsets, anxiety, and resentment — in ways that are both unproductive for the partnership, but also for each person’s emotional, mental, and physical well-being.
Fueled by stagnancy, boredom, or even unmet needs, there are certain quiet behaviors of a person who is miserable in their relationship that sabotage genuine partnership. By addressing these behaviors, both partners can pave a new path forward — whether it's setting new boundaries, scheduling open conversations, or making the difficult decision to go separate ways.
Here are 11 quiet behaviors of a person who is miserable in their relationship
1. They avoid affection
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock.com
Although affection, physical intimacy, and specific love languages are fundamental to a healthy relationship, many people feeling misterable in their connections actively avoid it — sparked by feelings of anxiety, unworthiness, and insecurity. Of course, being able to effectively share affection in productive ways with a partner can be challenging for many people, especially those who struggled with parental warmth and a welcoming childhood environment early in life, like a study from the journal Emotion suggests.
As one of the quiet behaviors of a person who is miserable in their relationship, it's important to note the difference between learning to express affection and actively avoiding it. A person who feels unhappy in their relationship may actively avoid kind gestures, physical intimacy, or acts of service, despite understanding its importance in a relationship. They're often less concerned with the long-term well-being of the relationship, and are more focused on the emotional turmoil they're experiencing in their connection now.
2. They snap at little things their partner does
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock.com
Resentment is one of the largest points of tension in relationships of all kinds, from professional connections, to intimate relationships, and family dynamics. When our needs go consistently unmet, we don't feel appreciated, and we're drawn towards toxic behaviors like attention-seeking comments, resentment tends to bubble underneath the surface of our connections.
Psychiatrist Smitha Bhandari, MD argues that the build-up of resentment in relationships isn't the only thing that's complex to acknowledge; the way it manifests in our daily lives is equally confusing and disillusioning for everyone involved. From feelings of irritability, to anger, and frustration, we often take out the pain of meeting emotional and physical needs on our partners, with hurtful comments, mean-spirited interactions, and betrayal.
To address this resentment, open communication is necessary. Find ways to acknowledge your own feelings and needs, then bring them to your partner. There's always a way forward, it's just a matter of deciding whether you and your partner are willing to accept it and challenge yourselves towards growth.
3. They don't seem like themselves
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock.com
Unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships can spark feelings of anxiety and depression in people who don't otherwise struggle with their mental health, which can be scary, emotional, and disillusioning for everyone involved. Stress and consistent unhappiness not only has the power to cause physical ailments like immune system problems and fatigue, like a study from Psychological Bulletin suggests, it can also negatively impact our mental and emotional well-being, causing irritability, mood swings, exhaustion, and anxiety.
Family members and friends may be the first people to catch this change in behavior in a partner, recognizing that they're less talkative, more disconnected, or indulging in unhealthy vices more frequently than they normally would. By using an honest, empathetic, and kind approach to addressing these mood swings, they can spark an open conversation about the emotional toll a toxic relationship is truly taking — even if this miserable person hasn't connected the dots yet.
4. They've stopped sharing their relationship with their friends and family
iona didishvili | Shutterstock.com
If a partner consistently stops sharing about their relationship with the people they trust the most, chances are there's something lingering beneath the surface.
Most people feel inclined to talk (and sometimes, brag) about the people, things, and achievements they have when they're excited about something. Even if it's something as subtle as not inviting their partner to a gathering or being vague about their life at home, consider that as one of the subtle behaviors of a person who is miserable in their relationship.
5. They're less patient
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock.com
Patience tends to support healthy relationships, even through tough conflicts, distance, and disagreements. When we love, trust, and feel committed to our partners, we're willing to put our ego and emotions temporarily aside to ensure they feel valued. When a person isn't feeling happy in their relationship, that basic tenant of trust and patience goes out the window, fueling more intense emotional arguments, disagreements, and resentment.
Experts from Sandra Harewood Counseling argue that patience helps both partners to stay present and engaged in their relationships. When patience is traded for irritability or impulsivity, that engaged attitude goes away, disconnecting a relationship and urging partners to feel isolated, lonely, and unheard.
6. They're shifting towards hyper-independence
Wasana Kunpol | Shutterstock.com
While there's a fine line to balance between independence and dependency in a relationship, most people in a healthy partnership find a way to prioritize their own time and interests, while still being engaged with their own partner. According to relationship expert Tina Fey in her book "Breaking the Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship," a sudden change in this balance, specifically with a partner spending more time alone, making plans with other people, and isolating themselves, can be a sign that they're emotionally distancing themselves.
When people don't feel loved and appreciated, they struggle investing time into conversations, connections, and relationships that spark those uncomfortable feelings. To overcome the isolation and toxic independence these partners commit to, both people in a relationship have to be comfortable opening up an honest conversation about the future.
7. They stop envisioning the future
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock.com
Not being able to envision the future with a partner isn't necessarily a signal of the end of a relationship, but it can be a red flag for someone who is already feeling miserable and underappreciated. They may actively avoid conversations, find ways to subtly change the subject, or even make life decisions without consulting their partner.
While misaligned views, beliefs, and goals can partially play into this struggle, many of the quiet behaviors of a person who is miserable in their relationship revolve around their emotional needs and comfort. If you're not feeling appreciated or loved in the present moment, how can you envision a future that's equally unsettling?
8. They avoid conflict
Lightfield Studios | Shutterstock.com
Conflict isn't always a negative thing in a relationship; in fact, when both partners are committed to resolving their disagreements, leading with empathy, and having open and honest conversations, it can be incredibly healthy for the sustainability of their connection. However, people feeling miserable and isolated in their connections may avoid this conflict, building upon the suppressed emotions and resentment they're already feeding into.
Avoiding negatively perceived conversations and conflicts with their partners can spark a kind of isolation that studies like one from Trends in Cognitive Sciences argue negatively affect general emotional health and brain functioning — impacting basic skills like memory, attention, and emotional regulation that are necessary for a person's general well-being and relationships.
9. They spend more time worrying about their relationship than being happy about it
Dusan Petkovic | Shutterstock.com
If you're consistently slipping into an anxious mindset when you think about your partner or only complaining about them to friends and family, that's a sure sign that you're feeling resentment or are unhappy in your relationship.
Our partners are supposed to make us feel good, relieving the anxiety and stress of our days with support, unconditional love, and honest communication. When a relationship is no longer serving us, making us feel worse after conversations and anxious when they're around, it might be time to consider setting new boundaries and paving a new path forward.
10. They constantly criticize their partner
Dmytro Zinkevych | Shutterstock.com
Like experts from The Gottman Institute argue, most people in healthy relationships commit to lifting up their partners, even during conflicts or arguments. People in toxic relationships, on the other hand, often let the discontent and resentment they feel leak out in these high-pressure situations, cultivating a toxic environment fueled by judgment, passive-aggressiveness, and unnecessary criticism.
Even when you're just lounging around or running errands, partners who feel miserable in their relationships will find something to criticize — picking apart their partner, finding annoying tendencies, and making excuses for hurtful comments.
11. They struggle to prioritize personal growth
DimaBerlin | Shutterstock.com
Many people who feel miserable in their relationships get so caught up in mediating their own uncomfortable emotions, stress, and anxiety that they lose sight of their own goals, interests, and growth. They're often so focused on the all-consuming nature of their toxic relationship that they also leave their emotional, physical, and mental needs unmet.
Healthy partners should support us on our journeys towards growth, celebrating our wins and helping us to become our best selves. When we start to feel worse about ourselves or unsupported around them, that's a sign that there's room for improvement.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.