5 Questions That Will Change The Entire Trajectory Of Your Divorce, According To Psychology
What to think about before you pull the plug on your marriage.
nomadsoulphotos | Canva When a relationship is fizzling out, you know it. The intense chemistry you once had with your partner has shifted, and you spend more time not talking than talking. It isn't bad, but it certainly isn't good either.
Have you ever stayed in a relationship just for the stuff? Staying for the stuff is a common choice, and the examples above are true stories of what people choose to stay in relationships for. Are you in a stay-or-go situation? Would you like a hit of psychic wisdom to let you know what to do next, and what kind of effects divorce might have on you?
Here are 5 tough questions that will change the trajectory of your divorce:
1. Do you have any chemistry left?
If the chemistry has worn off, how are you feeling about that? Do you miss being intimate? According to a study from 2018, 15% of marriages sadly lack true intimacy.
Believe it or not, some people do not miss intimacy. It may be hard for you to believe it, but in today's marriages, all kinds of compromises work.
If the chemistry is dead, are there other worthwhile assets in the relationship? Is your partner open to you exploring your satisfaction elsewhere? Can you talk about it?
Lack of chemistry and intimacy does not automatically disqualify your man. There are also things you can do to regain passion in a relationship that feels dead.
2. Are you companionable?
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If you and your man have many shared interests and enjoy doing things together, that is of tremendous value. Having a companion who likes to spend time with you may not be the same as having rough-and-tumble intimacy every night but for many people, it is enough.
According to data from the Pew Research Center, 64% of married Americans believe that having shared interests is very important for a successful marriage.
Look for signs of companionability with your current mate. List the things you enjoy doing together. If some of your interests are lying dormant, then wake them up!
See if you still enjoy his company while doing things you did at the beginning of your relationship. If you don't enjoy being together, then it might be a sign that things aren't looking up in your relationship and you might need to address it.
3. Are you at home in your home?
If you feel comfortable in your surroundings and are free to express yourself at home with music, art, and food, you have something very valuable. Some tell me they are bored because there are not enough fireworks or excitement. Being comfortable in a relationship can even be healthy for you, with research from 2017 finding that people in secure relationships have a lower risk of heart disease.
I get that, but you can always take skydiving lessons or take an improv class if you want to get your adrenaline running.
Be very careful what you define as boring. Living in peace with another person can be extremely fulfilling when you release that person from having the responsibility to supply the juice that gets your heart beating. Having peace with your partner can truly bring passion to your life.
4. Do you have passion?
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Seriously. What is your passion outside of romance? Do you have a charity you support? Having a passion, research from Harvard University confirms, can help boost motivation, improve focus, and make your life happier.
My hubby volunteers with the cats at the shelter, socializing the kittens and getting them ready for adoption. Many others find a lot of pleasure and love in animals because they are often so much easier to love than people!
You need passion. Before you leave your relationship, work at finding a passion outside your current interests. Pour yourself into something that feeds your soul.
What hobby did you enjoy 20 years ago? Why did you quit? Chances are your partner is feeling the stress of your needing him to be everything to you.
5. How much do you have to lose?
This is a serious subject, and sometimes the loss of the stuff is considerable. When I divorced, I had a friend say to me, "I could never do what you are doing. I would lose too much."
Sometimes the stuff of life keeps you in longer than you should be there. No one can tell you how happy you are, or how happy you should be.
All I can tell you is that when you approach your 50s, you need to be exceedingly careful before you move on. If you live in comfort, have companionability, and have a reasonably good communication system, there is only one more thing you need to know so that you can stay ... at least for now. Research from 2018 confirms that people can lose a lot in divorce, like wealth, a shared social network, and even residential ties.
If you and your mate are considering parting ways, it is a serious thing for both of you. The one ingredient that I believe you must have to make it work is collaboration.
Webster defines collaboration as "the act of working with another on a joint project." Without collaboration, there is little chance your relationship will last.
You have a joint project, whether you like it or not. The joint project is your coupleness, as you define it. Review the five keys and make a date with yourself to seriously consider your current situation. If you still want to co-create something that works with your partner, recommit yourself to communicating that to him.
If you need to, talk to a coach, mentor, pastor, or a good friend. Make a plan on how to impress upon your partner that creating a collaborative effort to jump-start your withering relationship is your number one priority, and then act on that plan.
Catherine Behan is a highly educated dating coach, freelance writer, and editor. She currently works as a Law of Attraction and Success Coach, where she leverages her expertise in EFT to help people attract abundance into their lives.