The Primary Reason People Cheat, Hands Down
An open, honest relationship is less likely to break from the throes of lies, deceit, and infidelity.
Syda Productions | Canva A long-term relationship, arrangement, or marriage is a choice, a commitment one makes, not only to a partner but to oneself. You commit to adhere to the rules and guidelines of the relationship as determined by the couple together.
The rules and guidelines may be defined by the greater society, your church, your friends, family, and neighbors, or the rules you choose may not be determined by social norms.
People go into long-term situations for various reasons. The most common of these reasons is they feel attracted to and connected to the individual they choose as their long-term partner and desire to be with them long-term.
This is not to say each individual will want to follow the rules set forth by everyone else, nor is it to say the rules will stay the same throughout the duration of the relationship.
However, the rules need to be discussed and agreed upon by each partner and should be revisited often and regularly. The rules should never just be assumed.
The primary reason people cheat, hands down, is because they make assumptions about monogamy.
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What rules am I referring to here? Specifically monogamy. The rule of monogamy is simple. You stay intimately faithful to one person. R. Schacht and KL Kramer's review of the evolution of pair bonding demonstrates monogamy is the norm in our society but there is some evidence to suggest as human primates, we are not necessarily monogamous by nature.
Unfortunately, most people go into a long-term situation with an assumption of monogamy, assuming their role and their partner’s role are not dictated by the monogamous frame. Here in lies the problem.
If we are not necessarily monogamous by nature, then an assumptive role of monogamy can be detrimental. Why? It doesn’t hold each party in the relationship accountable for a decision they make consciously.
If no decision is consciously made, then it doesn’t appear we are making a choice, and we are more likely to feel a lack of control over our lives. Cheating often makes us feel more in control. Not to mention, the assumptions made then often bleed over into other areas of the relationship, which can also lead to cheating.
Most people who cheat, men and women alike, do so because they are feeling neglected in the relationship. Whether it be in the form of neglect by way of emotional or physical intimacy, the bottom line generally remains the same: some needs are being left unfulfilled.
There are many books, articles, stories, etc., about why people cheat, and studies are being done on the reasons people cheat, as explored in a review by Ami Rokach and Sybil H Chan. My philosophy tends to look at the concept of monogamy as something to address when we decide to embark on a life journey with someone. My philosophy tends to focus on honest communication with each other and honesty with yourself.
When a partner’s role is assumed to be monogamous, many other assumptions might go hand in hand, for example, his/her faithfulness, happiness, likes/dislikes, and a whole slew of other things.
Chances are your partner will like the idea of monogamy, so we should not be afraid to have the conversation. If this is what you want, you will need to speak up about it.
Professor James Q. Wilson suggests you and your partner will be more committed to a choice made consciously with the relationship in mind and recognizing the choice to be faithful and monogamous is a decision and a commitment to yourself, each other, and the relationship. The rules are not something that naturally will be, nor should be assumed so.
Talking about whether or not a couple or an individual chooses monogamy can be uncomfortable, to say the least. This is where most of us are faced with confronting our jealousies and insecurities about our partner’s desires, as well as accepting and admitting our true inner desires, which may not necessarily follow the norm of monogamy. Or, maybe they follow monogamy today and something different tomorrow.
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The conversation to define a monogamous relationship is a journey.
Recognizing feelings ebb and flow, our sexuality is fluid and changing, as evidenced in the work of A Ventriglio and D. Bhugra. So, being open to at least talking about the tides of change and what is on your mind is often the first step to an open, honest relationship that is less likely to break from the throes of lies, deceit, and infidelity.
The point here is not to assume the rules of your relationship but to decide on the rules together and revisit them often.
We need to see if the rules need any tweaking, if the rules still fit, etc. Talking about the rules and expectations of your relationship together is empowering. Feeling empowered in your relationship will make it less likely that you or your partner will seek solace elsewhere.
Cheating also does not need to indicate the end of the relationship. If the cheater has not moved on permanently, and the cheatee can find room to give the partner a second chance, this is a great place to start the conversation about what led to the cheating. Then, repair and start over with more clearly defined rules together.
With a little love, patience, and effort from both individuals, a couple can come back stronger than ever after infidelity.
Moushumi Ghose, MFT, is a licensed therapist and author whose passion is around advocacy and change by breaking down barriers for better relationships.