10 Powerful Ways To Get Your Cheating Partner To Truly Understand Your Pain
The only way to get them to understand.
bulatovic | Canva This hugely important question by partners brings us to the "E" word: Empathy. Empathy is such an important issue to talk about, yet such a painful one. A partner's world shatters before her/him after discovering their partner's intimate secrets, secrets that may have spanned decades.
This betrayal trauma is so painful and causes an enormous rift in a relationship. Healing this rift takes plenty of patience and a commitment to recovery from a cheating partner.
Healing also takes a commitment to openness, honesty, and empathy in the relationship.
Unfortunately, so many cheaters have narcissistic tendencies (after all, this kind of acting out in the relationship is an inherently selfish act).
Narcissism and empathy, as you can imagine, don't go together very well. It's like going to a foreign country where you've learned the basics of the language but aren't fluent. You can learn the "words" but it'll be clear very soon to a native speaker that you don't get the language.
All too often, cheaters can learn "formulas" of things to say but these phrases quickly ring hollow to many partners, as they want their partners to feel the pain that they are experiencing.
Developing empathy can be done, but it does take time. It will take some patience on the part of the partner, as this is a new language being developed by the cheater. According to research, everyone has empathy blocks or areas where it is difficult to exhibit empathy.
Here are 10 powerful ways to get your cheating partner to truly understand your pain:
1. Learn what empathy is
Brene Brown has an excellent short description of empathy.
2. Let your partner listen to others
I've often found "indirect" resources to be helpful. Many cheaters can start to "get it" as they hear the words of others. When they hear the words of other partners in a non-threatening state, they can better gain empathy for their own partner's pain.
3. Watch how others recovered
Doug Weiss also has an excellent video called "Helping Her Heal." This is an important resource for a man in recovery, talking to other men, and helping them to understand the impact of their behaviors on their partners.
4. Read books
Jason Martinkus's book Worthy of Her Trust is another good resource.
5. Show them how their behavior affects everyone around them
I've found it helpful for cheaters to draw out a scene of the destructive impact of cheating on their relationships, families, and worlds. This isn't meant to shame the cheater, but rather to help them feel the impact of their behaviors on others around them.
This can be a powerful exercise done in a group.
6. Have them join a support group
Speaking of groups, therapy groups are invaluable — other cheaters can provide support and feedback, as well as perspective to help them "get it." Group therapy might seem daunting, but research shows us that it's just as effective as individual therapy.
7. Allow them to develop empathy towards themselves
In addition to group therapy, targeting underlying abuse or core wounding can help them develop empathy.
If the cheater is completely blocked off to their wounding and has no empathy for the wounded parts of themselves, I find it very difficult for them to find empathy for their spouses or others around them.
8. Write heartfelt letters
Impact letters or other such letters written by partners can be very helpful for cheaters. As they read and absorb the impact of the pain they have caused on their loved ones they begin opening their eyes more and more to the pain of their partners.
Pexels / cottonbro studio
9. Learn how to take responsibility
Working the 12 steps and this 9th step is another way someone can learn what impact their behaviors had on others around them and challenges them to take responsibility for their actions.
An emotional restitution exercise in response to their partner's impact letter is another exercise that a cheater can do.
10. See their partner as a child
Finally, I often find it helpful for cheaters to carry around a picture of their partner as a young child. So often, anger is the first protective emotion that partners express.
Cheaters brace for battle with their partners as the "enemy," all too often losing sight of the wounded little girl/boy who was devastated by the betrayal. Seeing the young child part of their partner and being reminded of that innocence can help some to better feel the impact of their actions on their partners.
This is by no means an exhaustive list of empathy-building tools, but it's a way to help cheaters start developing the new language of empathy.
Again, this will take time and patience, but with dedication, someone CAN learn the new language of empathy if they are committed to learning it.
Dan Drake is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and the Founder and Clinical Director of Banyan Therapy Group.