6 Things People Do When They Want To Control Their Partners
Attempts at control are often the first signs of something much worse.
KrakenImages via Shutterstock When you're being controlled by your partner, there's often a little voice in the back of your head that whispers this isn't right. This feeling tugs at your heart, but you shove it down because you are unsure of yourself and unsure of your partner's motivation. That's part of what people do when they want to control their partners, they make you doubt your instincts.
You wonder: Is this unsafe? It can be hard to know. After all, no list of signs of someone's behavior is going to be 100% accurate and emotional manipulation creeps over you slowly, silently. The person being controlled is often completely unaware it's happening until they are engulfed. That's why I'm sharing this list.
Here are 6 things people do when they want to control their partners
1. Their reaction to a situation is more terrifying than the situation itself
I once came back to my car in a parking lot only to find that someone had backed into the bumper. The car was only a month old, there was a big dent, and the paint was scuffed and flaking, yet I could not have cared less about the car. I was terrified to tell my husband.
I drove home white-knuckled and shaking, knowing he would be angry and that this would somehow end up being my fault. I knew he was going to explode in anger and I was scared to death to go home. When you start to fear your partner's reaction more than you fear the situation itself, there's a good chance you're being abused.
2. They have full control of finances
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Financial abuse is a real thing. It’s the way many abusers keep their victims trapped. Without access to money, escape becomes almost impossible unless you have a great support system that can help you remove yourself from the toxic situation. (I did not.)
I would have left my husband years earlier if I had access to our finances but because he controlled all of our earnings, I had no way out — and worse, he knew that. Psychological research indicates that when an abuser has complete control over a victim's finances, it's considered a form of economic abuse.
This is a potent tactic to manipulate and trap victims within an abusive relationship, significantly impacting their ability to leave due to financial dependence and creating a sense of powerlessness and isolation. A BMC Public Health study showed this can lead to severe mental health consequences like depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
3. They isolate their partner from friends and family
Most abusers won't readily admit that they're abusing you, even though, deep down, they know that what they're doing wouldn't be looked upon kindly by people who care about you. He's deeply fearful that someone rational will “enlighten” you to the abuse that is taking place and thus, try to remove your friends and family from your life.
By doing that, he's effectively cutting off your escape route and removing your safety net. Even if he hasn't physically abused you at this point, the control that he has over your life should be seen as a huge warning of things to come.
4. They are uncomfortable to be around
Gender-based assault is not just something that happens with strangers at drunken parties. Most assaults of this type are committed by someone you know and relationship abuse is a very real thing.
If you feel pressured and coerced into intimate acts that you're not comfortable with or you feel forced to partake in activities you didn't consent to, this is one of the warning signs of emotional abuse. Guilt, pressure, and force are not OK. Ever.
Feeling uncomfortable with your partner can often stem from factors such as insecure attachment styles, past relationship experiences, unresolved conflicts, poor communication, personal insecurities, and even societal expectations. A study in Biological Psychology found these can lead to anxiety, distrust, or a lack of compatibility within the relationship. Individuals with anxious attachment styles may mainly experience discomfort due to fear of abandonment, while those with avoidant attachment styles may feel uneasy with intimacy.
5. They make their partner feel like demoralized
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Abusers most often exert their power not by physical force, but by controlling the way we think. If he can get you to think exactly the way he wants you to, well, half of his job is done. If he can make you believe that you're worthless and that nobody good would ever want you, there's less of a chance you'll ever leave him — that's one reason this is one of the most powerful emotional abuse examples I can offer.
You'll start to "appreciate" that he puts up with you, day in and day out because you're so awful. When you're broken to the point where you feel so worthless that you're just happy to be allowed to keep living, it's hard to realize that the problem isn't you.
If the person who supposedly "loves" you the most thinks nothing of you, the problem is not you, it’s them. No one stays in a relationship with someone they think has no value; they stay for the control and power they reap from tearing you down.
6. They make their partner fear leaving
If you fear leaving them out of fear they will harm you, your partner is an abuser. And if you fear leaving because you feel you could not live without them (and not just because you love them and would miss them), you might be being abused.
Abusers take who we are and suck out everything we need to live. They make us shells of the people we once were, leaving only the parts of us that serve the purposes they need. If you feel like you're so lost that you can no longer lead your own life, it’s time to get help.
I don’t say that harshly; I just mean you are worth more. You deserve to be more than what someone else simply allows you to be. You deserve to not be abused.
The fear of leaving a partner can stem from several factors, including an anxious attachment style, past experiences of abandonment, low self-esteem, and a lack of personal autonomy. A study in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence showed this often leads to excessive reassurance-seeking and overanalyzing partner actions, particularly when coupled with a fear of being alone or facing the unknown.
A person will likely fear the consequences if they decide to leave their relationship. This could be fear of their partner's actions or concern over their ability to be independent—normalized abuse.
Emotional abuse examples can be helpful, but trust yourself and your gut — even if these aren't exactly what you're experiencing.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474, or log onto thehotline.org.
Eden Strong is a regular contributor to a variety of digital outlets, including Lifetime Moms, XOJane, Scary Mommy, Catster, and Dogster.