The Most Insulting Question My Best Friend Asked Me After My Divorce
The person I was divorcing was not the man I had fallen in love with.
JackF | Canva One day I was on the phone with my friend. I was several years into a brutally abusive divorce.
I couldn't believe what my husband was inflicting upon our children and me. He had turned into the ugliest of bullies. We had been left without health insurance, transportation, food, electricity…you name it and he’d done it.
My kids and I were stressed. We were shocked by who my husband and their father had proven themselves to be.
During our brutally abusive divorce, my friend asked if I wanted my husband back.
"Do you think maybe you would want to take him back?" my friend said. What??!!!
"Huh," I said. "You’re kidding, right?" "No," she said. "Maybe you guys could still work it out."
Bless her heart. Married people believe it’s easier for everyone if the marriage somehow stays together. I get it. Divorce is ugly. But it’s no less ugly than the unfortunate mess that led to it.
A limping and whimpering relationship is a tortuous existence. "Look," I said. "Jesus Christ himself could come down and tell me that he cured my husband. And I would say, thank you very much. I believe you. But, I’m still not interested."
I may not have been completely at peace despite initiating a divorce. But the moment my husband began his intense financial bullying I knew there was no turning back. Not then. Not ever. According to a survey from U.S. News & World Report, 22% of respondents reported being in a financially abusive relationship before.
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I finally believed what our marriage counselor once told me: "Colleen, your husband keeps showing you who he is, only you don’t want to believe him."
Well, I believed him now. I also believed our psychologist marriage counselor’s diagnosis of a narcissistic personality disorder that was on the end of the spectrum. Here’s the thing. My friend’s question wasn’t completely outrageous. Roughly 5% of the population has a narcissistic personality disorder, according to research from 2021.
A lot of people want a divorce but they don’t want a divorce. They want to shock their spouse into caring about the marriage, the relationship, and them.
It’s a little bit of the boy that cried wolf. The threat of divorce can be a misguided attention grab.
A hope that at some point, your spouse will say, "I’m sorry. I’ll do better. I’ll even change. I don’t want to lose you. I want to keep our family together."
I know people who have held out hope for reconciliation. And gotten a separation with the threat of an impending divorce while not wanting one. But that wasn’t me.
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My husband had used up all of his hall passes. I didn’t believe a thing he said.
I didn’t believe he had the capability of making things right, I didn’t believe he could make me feel loved. I didn’t believe he would stop his bad behavior. I didn’t believe he would stop inducing my tears.
I didn’t believe he was the man I thought I married. I didn’t want him anymore.
Hence, why I said that even if he had been miraculously cured of the narcissistic personality disorder, I still wouldn’t want him. I was done. I had finally reached my limit.
Bless my friend’s heart. But no, I didn’t want my husband back.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Colleen Sheehy Orme is a national relationship columnist, journalist, and former business columnist. She writes bout love, life, relationships, family, parenting, divorce, and narcissism.