16 Mistakes That Make An Ex Not Want You Back, According To A Love Coach
You have to know when to leave it alone.
dorian2013, Khosro | Canva Fresh heartbreak leads people to make all kinds of terrible decisions. There are some treacherous currents and eddies to avoid in the wake of a breakup.
I've done all the things you can do wrong, so if you have already slipped up and made a few breakup mistakes, know you're in good company.
Here are 16 mistakes that guarantee an ex won't want you back, according to a love coach:
1. Staying in contact
Trying to stay in touch with an ex is the surest way to keep re-opening the wound, over and over again. When you're on the roller coaster of talking to them and then letting them take up your mental space, you're not getting over it or moving on.
2. Trying to stay friends
Like trying to maintain contact with your ex, trying to keep them as a friend is a big mistake. This is because simply demoting them to the "friend" category gives you a reason to see them, wonder how they are, contact them, and generally not get over the breakup.
Whether they want a friendship with you or not, in the wake of a recent breakup, maintaining a relationship of any kind is a huge mistake. It doesn't allow you the time and space you need to heal.
3. Attempting to get closure
The simple fact is you don't need closure from your ex to move on from your relationship. This is because it is unlikely that even if you get your ex to spill all of the gory details of their side of your breakup, they probably won't tell the whole truth, and it will throw you into the pit of bargaining despair.
It's essential to recognize your relationship didn't work out for whatever reason. You can give yourself closure by deciding the breakup was for the best. The relationship was irretrievably broken.
This is enough for you to start the process of moving on. You can go over the mistakes you made in the relationship later.
4. Begging for another chance
Avoid begging at all costs. You can't "talk someone into" wanting a relationship with you. If they decide they want you back, it is a decision they have to come to on their own.
Later, when the dust settles, you'll feel ashamed and embarrassed you made a fool out of yourself. I still cringe at the way I acted after a couple of failed relationships. The best way to avoid this is to stay completely mum.
5. Hitting them up
Having physical intimacy with your ex is never, ever a good idea. Don't try to segue into a casually intimate situation. Do not call them up at 2 am and say you miss them. Don't answer the phone at this time either. The same goes for any time after 9 pm.
Don't "try to get closure" by hooking up one last time. Just stay away.
6. Keeping some of their stuff
Don't hold your ex's items hostage so you can later have an excuse to see them. They won't suddenly remember you have their Class Hits of the '90s CD and want you back. Just untangle yourself from them and start getting on with your life.
7. Wanting to get back together with an abusive ex
If your ex was abusive, trying to get them back is just going to get you more abuse. It will not get better, even if they promise to change.
There is a difference between mourning because someone is gone and wanting someone back in your life. After all, you realize they were genuinely good for you. While you might be heartbroken right now, if your ex abused you in any way, they were wrong. Period. End of story.
8. Letting your life fall apart
Wallowing and feeling the hurt while listening to sad breakup songs for a while is okay. Letting your responsibilities go to the point where you're on the verge of getting fired is not.
Follow through with your responsibilities. Sooner or later, you'll be thankful you didn't let everything go because of your breakup.
9. Letting heartbreak turn into serious depression
To stave off depression in the wake of heartbreak, get regular exercise, make sure you get out of the house and see people, start new hobbies, and throw yourself into your work.
Right now is the time to focus on your self-care. If you are starting to feel blue as a whole and have lost interest in activities you used to enjoy (besides your ex), consider getting professional help.
10. Numbing the pain with drugs and alcohol
You'll feel the pain of the breakup whether you're ready for it or not. You don't need to have to deal with an addiction on top of the pain of your failed relationship.
11. Meeting someone new while on the rebound
The reason for the aptly titled rebound is you bounce back, and eventually, the new relationship ends, leaving you to pick up the pieces and recover from another heartbreak right on top of the last one.
Rebound relationships can be an exciting way to numb out and feel desirable again, but caution — they are fraught with problems. The largest is they don't allow you to figure out what you want in a partner.
Also, the people you choose to have relationships with during this time are often the stark opposite of your ex rather than being genuinely good choices for you.
12. Making drastic life changes
Okay, so you have decided to move to New York and leave your past behind for good. That's cool. But wait to make drastic life changes for six months.
If you still want to change everything and move to another state, continent, or country, or get a tattoo of your ex's face with a line through it, do it after you have had the chance to heal from the breakup.
It might sound good to do something drastic to get a fresh start, but often, this is a knee-jerk reaction by the heartbroken to gain a clean slate. Wait. If you still want to move or shave your head in six months, then by all means do so.
13. Stalking your ex
Don't view anything of your exes. Don't look at their Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, IM or anything else. Delete their profiles from all of your devices. Unfriend!
You don't need to look at their posts and comments late at night while trying to interpret their nights out. You don't need to have the wound reopened with every status update.
Also, don't "run into" them at places they hang out. Don't go to their workplace or their home. You are guaranteed to embarrass yourself. Later, you will want to scream at your heartbroken self.
Just don't do it.
14. Trying to get revenge
When you are hurting, it's easy to think revenge will somehow make you feel better and show your ex the kind of pain they inflicted upon you.
Don't, under any circumstances, try to get revenge on your ex. Living well is always the best revenge.
15. Isolating yourself
While it's understandable if you want to be left alone for a while, keep in mind that contact with other non-heartbroken people like friends and family members who love you is a powerful way to help you heal.
16. Bitterly giving up on relationships for good
Breaking up frees you to have a new relationship. While this is scary and painful to imagine, you can go out and get someone else who gives you a lot of power.
Angrily announcing you are giving up and never trying to meet someone again is not the answer to heartbreak. Love didn't break your heart, the loss did.
Take some time off to figure out who you are, and what you want in a relationship. Just don't let your heartbreak determine the rest of your life by swearing off people altogether. You can't gain love if you never try again.
What steps have you taken to get over being dumped?
Elizabeth Stone is a love coach and founder of Attract The One and Luxe Self. Her work has been featured in Zoosk, PopSugar, The Good Men Project, Bustle, Ravishly, SheKnows, Mind’s Journal, and more.