Psychology Says If You Can Master These 4 Skills, Your Marriage Can Survive An Affair
Marriages can survive affairs to be stronger and better.
Timur Weber | Canva When it comes to relationships, there's a reason why one of the hardest obstacles to overcome is infidelity. There's nothing worse than being hit with betrayal, that loss of trust — especially when you never saw it coming. We get it.
If you can master these four skills, your marriage can survive an affair:
1. Be willing to make the marriage stronger
So many couples come to counseling wounded, but after doing the work, they have a stronger marriage. They take what they thought would destroy the relationship, shape and mold it using therapeutic tools to forgive, and have patience and guidance toward consciousness and intentionality.
In this way, couples can have the most beautiful and powerful spiritual relationships and build new relationships, as explained by Joseph J. Zielinski, Ph.D. The vows were broken, but there was a new commitment, and it made the marriage stronger. Even though they had a betrayal, with all the heartache and broken feelings, they could emerge even stronger.
It takes time, but there is hope in picking each piece up, deciding what you want to put into it, and building a new foundation for a much better, more intentional, and conscious relationship.
2. Make curiosity the centerpiece of healing
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People who feel connected don't have affairs, so if somebody is disconnected and you had an affair, you can recover, but what you need to feel connected and to feel connected is curiosity.
One way is to say, "If things had been just right in the relationship, what would it have looked like?" Dr. Brian T. Hannigan found that "curiosity independently or simultaneously served as a conceptual tool for promoting connection and relationships while also functioning as an agent of challenge, growth, and change."
It's a way of rooting out the missing piece in the relationship. The answer is always, "If we'd felt closer if I'd felt more seen by my partner, if we'd spent more time together." The affair is always a symptom of a relational issue.
3. Focus on the job of a couple
The job of a couple is to grow over the years by every day going into deeper intimacy. This can be a catalyst so they can learn to discover the otherness of their partner. Otherness and curiosity help you realize there's a whole universe inside your partner you haven't discovered yet. The Handbook of Emotion, Adult Development, and Aging states, "Relationships characterized by heavy emotional investment have broad implications for individuals' mental and physical health,"
Discover why your partner feels the way they do, why they think the thoughts they think, and why, instead of judgment, get curious. It takes so much forgiveness to get there. You have to rebuild trust before any of this can happen.
4. Accept the key to recovery is doing the work
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People have to be willing to do the work. The only way to have recovery is if both people are curious, not only about their partner but about themselves.
We maintain our yards, we maintain our houses, we maintain things that are important to us. We maintain things that may go into disrepair. Yet, sadly, people do not maintain their relationships.
Intentionality is so important if you want to keep a relationship running, you have to keep taking care of it. Pay attention to what's going on, and you can recover from an affair. It can make you stronger by being truly intentional in your relationship and taking the steps you would take to care for your garden, car, teeth, and all the things truly important in your life.
Being able to devote yourself to your partner fully and love them unconditionally, only to have that bond thrown away so carelessly, is just the worst. Honestly, how could anyone expect you to ever trust again after going through someone so traumatic?
But despite popular belief, an affair doesn't always have to mean that your marriage is over. In fact, according to YourTango's Founder/CEO Andrea Miller, Imago Institute's Harville Hendrix and Helen Lakelly Hunt, LPC Cindy Cartee, LMFT Christine Wilke, and LCSW Cheryl Gerson, there are ways your relationship can recover from an affair and possibly become even stronger because of it — watch the video below for more:
After getting your heart broken, we understand feeling unsure about whether or not you'll ever be able to trust your partner again. But your situation can change. After listening to our experts' advice on how to save your marriage in the video above, there's no doubt you will be able to heal — together.
The YourTango Experts team includes licensed therapists, dating and life coaches, matchmakers, and more professionals committed to offering you the tools and guidance for a happier and more rewarding life.