8 Little Things Men Do When They're Seriously Insecure
Healing insecurity takes time.
Anton Estrada | Canva Living with an insecure man is hard work and can have a devastating impact on your well-being and emotional health, as well as your marriage. There are few things more emotionally defeating than knowing you are a faithful, loyal, caring, and motivated spouse, yet have a partner who is continually suspicious, untrusting, and rarely stops questioning many of your actions and motives.
Here are 8 little things men do when they're seriously insecure:
1. He questions your motives all the time
You know you work hard to take care of your family. You know you rarely have time to take care of yourself or do something that you would like to do. No matter how hard you work, he still finds ways to question your motives and expresses doubt you care like you say you do.
2. He keeps score
An insecure man never forgets the time you were able to go out with your friends or stop by to visit your mom. He has recounted how often you had the opportunity to go out or get away compared to how many times he can do so. If he gets out more often, there is always a reason why most of his outings don’t count, but yours always do.
3. He believes you always have a hidden agenda
No matter the reasoning behind your actions and the things you have to say, an insecure man consistently reads between the lines. He may read things into the look on your face, the tone of your voice, or the words you choose to use.
He quickly assigns negative motives to accuse you of things you would never say, do, or think. It happens so often that you think, “I might as well do it since he is always accusing me of it.”
4. His arguments almost always become defensive rather than problem-solving
Sometimes, you try to defend yourself when the accusations start. Sometimes, you try to get through it. If you defend yourself, it spirals into a quagmire of finger-pointing and blame. An insecure man quickly finds the cracks in your explanation and continues to blame you. He often makes you out to be a liar when you know you are telling the truth.
There is rarely a way to solve a problem and get it behind you. You end up feeling guilty and unloved no matter what you do.
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5. You are often in trouble for not complimenting or thanking him
The two of you may be preparing to go to a special event. He comes into the room and compliments how you look, and before you can compliment him, you are in trouble for not doing so. If you do not immediately thank him for something he has done, you never hear the end of it.
He will let you know that you had plenty of opportunities to compliment or thank him, but as you recall the situation, you know you never had a chance before you were attacked.
6. He wants to know about every conversation you have or text you receive
Before you are even one sentence into answering a phone call, an insecure man might demand to know who you are talking to. He can’t stand it if you get a text and respond to it if he doesn’t know who it is and what the conversation is about.
He might pout because someone else is getting your attention or assign a negative purpose to your text or call. He may accuse you of complaining about him to others or even having an affair.
7. There are many assumptions made on his part that you “should just know”
He often becomes angry because you did not catch on to how he was feeling or what he needed. You may respond by letting him know you can’t read his mind, but he doesn’t hear it.
He counters by saying that as long as the two of you have been together and as many times as this has happened in the past, “you should know this.”
8. He gets very jealous of your time talking or hanging out with your close friends
Many women work harder to jump through the hoops to keep their insecure men happy. At some point, the task gets too frustrating, tiring, and overwhelming, and the resentment has grown too excessive to contain.
When a woman has had enough and is finally at the end of her rope, she might announce she is done trying. She feels the demands are too great. It doesn’t matter how hard she tries, he will always find a new area in which she does not measure up.
If this is happening to you, and you can no longer sustain it, it will be up to you to initiate change. If you decide to “draw a line in the sand” and require actions or changes on his part, you must prepare to follow through on whatever you tell him you will do if he doesn’t follow through.
Enlist the help of a wise, trusted friend to help determine your next steps and help you follow through. This is also a good time to begin working with a counseling professional. Change can happen, but this kind of change takes time and outside help. It can pay big dividends for both of you.
Drs. Debbie and David McFadden are relationship and life coaches with master's degrees in education and social work. They specialize in helping struggling and distressed couples improve their relationships.