Intuitive Healer Reveals 15 'Red Flags' A Person Is Simply Incapable Of Commitment
Look for these signs before you waste your time.
Peopleimages.com | Canva Have you ever dated a man who says he adores you and thinks that you are the one woman with whom he wants to spend his life, yet as the relationship progresses, he begins to withdraw and spend less time with you?
If so, you may be dating a man who has subconscious fears about commitment.
Intuitive healer reveals 15 'red flags' a person is simply incapable of commitment:
1. He will cancel plans
He will cancel, forget or change plans for dates at the last moment regularly, or invite others along on romantic dates effectively sabotaging “romantic time.”
2. He won't be romantic
He will be more aloof and withhold romantic courtship and courteous behaviors (e.g. giving flowers or other romantic gifts, sharing compliments, and planning romantic dates) saying, “I’m just not the romantic type.”
3. He never spends time with you
He will put a higher priority on spending time with other people in his life than with you, even if you’ve made plans to see each other.
4. He can't communicate
He will not be able to communicate to you a clear or detailed vision of a shared life together but he may share this with other people. So others perceive him as the perfect boyfriend who truly wants a life with you, but yet he withholds such visions from you.
The emotional patterns that cause some men to develop commitment challenges are often rooted in fears. Diana Kirschner discusses these fears extensively in her books Love in 90 Days and Sealing the Deal.
5. He won't ask you what you need
Men who have fears that they cannot measure up to please a woman will rarely invest the energy to ask a woman what she wants or needs because they are afraid that they cannot fulfill those needs or wants.
If a woman is mature enough to initiate expressing her needs and desires, a man who is not secure with developing a deeper relationship will interpret her words as, “She is saying, I’m not good enough or doing enough. She is criticizing me.” So he will pull back.
Unfortunately, open discussions about wants and needs are critical to a relationship moving forward. It builds trust and closeness when we know that our partners are aware of and seek to fulfill our deepest wants and needs.
What does a trustworthy partner look like? Research shows a trustworthy partner will behave in ways that are both competent and cooperative.
6. He doesn't think he's good enough
As Diana Kirschner says, “The fear of not measuring up can make it difficult to move forward into a committed relationship with a partner, no matter how terrific she is.”
7. He doesn't want to give up his independence
Diana also talks about the fear of being controlled.
As Diana says, “No matter what he feels for you, he is terrified of jumping fully into a long-term relationship. In his view, he has to give up the lead role in his life. It seems like his golf buddies, bar days, sports, even the Super Bowl, are going to be ripped away by the all-powerful, all-controlling vortex of the couple.”
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Many women think, “Well if I just give him space and encourage him to continue the things in his life that he enjoys as a single man, that might reassure him that I’m not trying to smother him.”
This loving support would be effective if he were conscious of his fears and emotional patterns. Yet, as Steve Carter mentions in his book, Men Who Can’t Love, men are rarely aware of their commitment phobias.
Why do some people have a fear of commitment? According to research, this type of behavior can start at a young age, and stems from how someone is raised.
8. He will project his insecurities onto you
So instead of becoming closer, often he will drift more out of your life, or engage in negatively projecting attributes onto you that are not who you are, an act of fault-finding that allows him to justify him pulling away.
9. He will sabotage the relationship
When a man who has commitment challenges feels uncomfortable with a relationship or wants to leave it, he will sabotage it instead of coming straight out and saying he is not happy.
When Steven Carter looked at the impact of this type of push/pull relationship dynamic on women, he found that since the men’s behaviors were so inexplicable, women often concluded, “It must be me — I must be doing something to create this.”
10. He will start to pull away
Many of the women that Steven interviewed, tried harder to be more fit and attractive, more kind, loving, giving, and understanding when they noticed that their partners were withdrawing.
Yet as Steven noted, “Showering him with love only aggravates his problem” because as a woman demonstrates more loving behaviors, the man with commitment issues becomes even more distressed, but often doesn't realize he feels this way. He just pulls away.
It takes professional counseling to shift the internal resistance that some men have to deeper and more committed relationships because often the core issues are out of the man's conscious awareness. He may be in complete denial of these patterns.
11. He refuses to seek help
If a man is unwilling to seek counseling, a woman needs to recognize a “no win” situation for what it is and exit the relationship before significant damage occurs — for it takes a great toll on a woman's energy and self-esteem.
Instead of hanging on to such relationships, recommit yourself to attracting a love who is truly ready to embrace a deeply growing love relationship. Remind yourself that there is an abundance of men who enjoy deeply committed and intimate relationships with one woman.
12. He thinks your standards are too high
Do not believe it when a commitment-phobic man tells you that your expectations are too high, that you are too picky or not accepting of the nature of men.
Believe instead that you are indeed healthy to want a deeper relationship with a man who can reciprocate openness, effort, and commitment.
13. His exes broke up with him
He shares that his former dates often left him for other men because they felt that he was not trying hard enough in the relationship, yet he insists that he's the kind of date who will go above and beyond to show a woman that he cares, then this is a red flag.
It reflects that his perception of himself is not in alignment with how others experience his behaviors.
14. He hasn't had a long-term relationship in years
If he shares that it has been more than eight to ten years since he has had any type of substantively intimate relationship with a woman, then that is a sign that he is not investing the energy to develop, maintain and grow relationships with women.
He may be too attached to his single life and resistant to creating space in the life for a deeper relationship, to actually invest in the process of developing an intimate relationship with a woman.
A man who is comfortable with deepening relationships understands that it is a natural progression for relationships to lead to more integrated shared lives, and welcomes that progress.
When you fall hard and deep into love and feel highly integrated with another person, it is indeed a big deal when the relationship ends.
Sure you survive, heal, and move on positively, but it is a significant life event when you experience the loss of a relationship in which you felt committed and deeply in love with another person.
15. He calls himself a giver
If he says he is a natural giver, but has challenges reciprocating loving and romantic gestures, step back.
You are talking to a man who will gladly partake of your gifts and expressions of romantic love, and then resist reciprocation because he doesn’t truly feel comfortable giving to you from his heart.
Often, he is unaware that he feels this way or is behaving in a withholding way. You’ll hear him justify the lack of reciprocation with, “Reciprocation should happen not because of an expectation from the person who gave a gift, but because a man feels natural to give, not because he has to.”
The problem is that historically in romantic relationships, he does not ever get to a point it feels natural to reciprocate gifts without feeling pressured, no matter how wonderful the woman is or how deserving she is.
D. Kay Hutchinson has been a medical qi gong specialist for over 20 years and is the founder of Aiki Healing.