If You Do These 7 Things, Yikes! You're Scaring Good Men Away
It's time to admit you're the problem in your dating life.
pixelshot, Lidia Costea | Canva No woman in her right mind starts a relationship to ruin it before it even starts. Life comes with enough challenges, wouldn't you say? Yet this is exactly what many women do ... sabotage a potentially great relationship before it even takes hold. Maybe you're one of them. So why does this happen? Why would you sabotage yourself when a good man shows up after bemoaning all the bad stuff the dating life brings? After kissing so many frogs, why scare off Prince Charming the moment he shows up? The answer is simple — Women anxiously want too much, too soon. As a result, they start tempting fate (a.k.a. trying to force things) rather than yielding to the organic flow of authentic connection.
This leads me to the point of this article: I want you to know ... you can do this better. Not knowing any better is bad enough. Being self-centered is even worse. But truly lacking emotional intelligence will do you every time. If you apply what you learn after reading this, never again will you inadvertently mess up a great connection with a good man. So, let’s begin and take a look at the common things you ladies do that chase off a great guy and ruin your chance at a fulfilling relationship.
If you do these 7 things, yikes! You're scaring good men away:
1. You push for a commitment
During the first weeks (sometimes months) of dating, NEVER tell a man you’re only interested in a committed relationship. Allow things to coalesce naturally, because, like it or not, this one act alone will shut a man down completely. There are two things almost all men hate: One is feeling manipulated, and the other is feeling pressured. Stop trying to force the outcome you want (he has a say in this, too, remember).
Stay mindful of your behavior while positioning to get what you should truly want — his attention for all the right reasons. In doing this you separate yourself from the crowd. Men are extremely attracted to women who are self-assured and confident. As the relationship progresses, again "both of you" will make a conscious decision to spend more quality time together on a somewhat consistent basis. Stop focusing on an arbitrary statement of commitment and instead remain focused on doing things that allow you both to get to know each other (whether there is or isn't a formal commitment between you at this stage).
2. You act paranoid
Paranoid people act suspiciously, and irrationally, and react to things in an impractical (usually overly dramatic) way. Making matters worse, paranoia creates negative self-fulfilling prophecies. Truth: Most of the time you get from life exactly what you expect from it, so if you expect the worst, that’s exactly what you will create. But when you’re dealing with people who are good, decent, honest folk, your suspicious mindset seems insulting, insecure, and extremely offensive. The sad part is, that most men will just leave you without uttering a word. Hence — you fulfilled your self-fulfilling prophecy — i.e. "I knew this was too good to be true, it wasn’t going to work out anyway."
3. You stop putting your true self forward
One of the worst things you can do in a relationship is operate from pretentiousness and egotism/pride. Acting lofty, self-important, or faking in any way isn't attractive, it's an active masquerade. Authenticity attracts men and insincere misrepresentation turns them off. Want him to truly fall for you? Knock it off and be your true self, vulnerably and authentically. If he can’t accept you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best, right? The sooner you realize that he embraces the true you (rough spots and all) the sooner you know it's okay to lean in here, or that it's time to move on.
4. You make way too many assumptions
After the first 60 days of any relationship, the infatuation wears off and expectations and assumptions start setting in. Welcome to "Fools in Paradise." This is when past experiences, be they good or bad, can interfere — putting even the most promising relationship at risk. You start to presume that certain things will happen (who's picking up the check, how much intimacy you'll have, etc.) instead of communicating openly about those things, and that miscommunication can create irreparable fractures and wreck a potentially wonderful relationship.
Likewise, this is the same point in the relationship when we teach the other person how to treat us. Don’t make the mistake of allowing gender roles, cultural beliefs, or even religious beliefs to cause you to presuppose both you and your significant other are on the same page. All of these things happening at once can either be a recipe for future disasters or the source material for something wonderful, and this is not a time to ignore the elephant(s) in the room.
5. You don't communicate clearly
Say what you mean and mean what you say. We live in a politically correct world. And where has it gotten us? Unless you’re crazy, you know the answer to this one, not very far — the same holds for you. When partnering with anyone, for business, or personal reasons, clarity in communication is a must. This is even more vital in romantic relationships. Good communication is the start, but clear, unadulterated, transparent conversation is the lifeblood of any healthy relationship — without it you’re doomed. We're all a bit brash at times when dealing with affairs of the heart, but you must master the art of clear, respectful communication.
6. You act like you're still available
If the relationship matters to you, when you’re out alone (or out with friends) conduct yourself as if your significant other is present. The six degrees of separation theory is more real than you know. This is especially true if you’re in a close-knit community, if you’re a public figure, or if you’re extremely attractive. Those groups of people end up gossiping about you more than most. There’s an old saying: "Don’t let your good be spoken of as evil." Put another way, stay mindful of your behavior at all times. How you present yourself can bite you in the butt. This is especially true if you’re considering engagement or marriage.
7. You don't know your limits
Overestimating your ability to control the consequences and repercussions caused by your actions is foolish. There are three things in life you will never control. One is time, you’ll never get wasted time back. Two are other people. How can you control someone else when you can’t even control yourself? Three are the laws that govern cause-and-effect relationships. You will always reap what you sow. You cannot un-strike a match.
If you overestimate your position or fail to respect the boundaries of others, you’re headed for trouble. I’m not suggesting you operate in paranoia, but what I am saying is — don’t put yourself into any set of circumstances that can lead to an unholy mess. Karma never sleeps. What’s done in the dark will always come to the light, and typically at the worst of times. If who you’re with, what you’re doing, or even the way you’re thinking has a dark side, DO NOT PROCEED.
There are no guarantees in life or love. What works in one relationship won’t work in another. But, life is too short and death is too long to stay stuck on stupid. So, before even trying to find Mr. Right, learn to enjoy spending time alone with you. If you don't enjoy your own company, why would anyone else? Ultimately, the best any of us can do is be that which we seek. When you become such, that which you seek will find you. Our perception of self is seldom accurate. More than often the way you see yourself is one thing, but how other people see you is yet another. Knowledge is power. Intentionally create the life you deserve starting today.
Dr. D. Ivan Young, MCC, NBC-HWC, is a leading behavioral modification and relationship expert, TEDx speaker, certified Master Coach and Master Neuro-Linguistic Programmer, and credentialed Master MBTI Practitioner with a Ph.D. in Holistic Life Coaching. He has written about relationships and mental well-being for YourTango for nearly 10 years.