I Ended An Affair With A Married Man — Now, I'm Wondering If I Should Tell His Wife
She's in a tough spot.
Dean Drobot / Shutterstock A woman on Reddit is looking for advice after ending the relationship she was having with a married man. The 26-year-old woman posted her story to the subreddit "r/TrueOffMyChest," a forum that allows users to share anything they may be dying to tell someone, and for others to offer advice.
The woman ended her affair with a married man but now wonders if she should tell his wife.
The woman wrote that she knows the man, a 36-year-old father of two, through a college alumni association. She explained that she viewed him as a mentor and that they “connected well on a purely professional and wholesome level.”
After a few years, however, he confessed that he found her “objectively attractive,” and began flirting with her. She reciprocated the flirting but declined his invites to go to dinner together for about a year, when she finally agreed to dinner — and that's when their affair began.
She wrote that, while she knows it was wrong, the years of knowing each other prior only enhanced the experience. They saw each other for a bit longer, but she eventually broke off contact.
“We continued the affair for about two months before I cut it off completely, because I knew how wrong it was,” she wrote. “At one point we both admitted we loved each other, and that’s when I knew we took it too far.”
He recently reached out to her and offered to take her to dinner, but she didn’t respond. She then reflected on what drove her to engage in such an affair and wondered if she should come clean to his wife.
“Now I’m wondering if the best thing to do is to tell his wife everything,” she wrote. “I do feel like a changed person. I realize a big reason why I engaged in the affair was because I had very low self-worth and value and completely disregarded the feelings of his wife.”
She concluded her post by stating that she’s in therapy and trying her best to do the right thing.
Most readers advised the woman to tell the man’s wife, but experts suggest understanding your motivations before doing so.
“As someone who has been cheated on, I would definitely want to know sooner rather than later,” one commenter said, imploring the mistress to put herself into his wife’s shoes and think about how she’d feel in her situation. “Her health is on the line. It's likely he's done this before and will again with who knows how many other women. She deserves to know so she can make an informed decision.”
Other people, however, warned her about the consequences of telling his wife. One commenter found herself in the same situation and took her anger out on the woman who tried to tell her.
“I would want to know but I will be honest and say that when I was cheated on and the ‘other woman told me’ I lashed out at her,” another commenter said.
According to psychologist Alicia H. Clark, while it may feel like you're doing a favor for the partner who is being cheated on, "such disclosures seldom yield such satisfaction and may backfire."
However, as long as you are doing it purely to inform the spouse and not with selfish intentions, most people agree that exposing the affair is the right thing to do.
Jonathan Alfano is a writer who focuses on news and entertainment topics.